The Spiral of Change

Two years ago I struggled with feeling disconnected from community. I felt burned out from an extended period of reaching out to others and attempting to establish deeper connections and relationships, specifically within my church. I pulled back from many of my existing relationships in an attempt at self-preservation. I believed I was cutting current ties in order to move toward potential new engagements.

Looking back, I see that my actions actually strengthened the lies I believed, lies that said I was unimportant and unwanted. I hoped that others would notice the space I created by pulling back and reach out, a passive-aggressive tactic. A few people did notice, but by that time, I had closed myself off from help. I viewed these attempts to connect with me as anomalies rather than invitations. Self-pity and a critical spirit reigned. Thankfully, God helped me climb out of my pit through prayer and the support of some non-church friends. I felt thankful to be on the other side of all of that hurt and disappointment.

Fast forward eighteen months, and imagine my shock and frustration to realize that I felt the same depletion and disconnection! Hadn’t I already dealt with these feelings? Why was I back in the same place of loneliness and doubt?

I believed the recurrence of these feelings meant my previous actions hadn’t helped me successfully navigate the struggle. I had failed and now had to try again. With this mindset, I decided to travel a new path. Instead of pulling back and sulking, I opted to reach out.

I shared my raw, unfiltered feelings of loneliness and depletion with my husband first. He suggested I talk to my group leader rather than keep everything bottled up, which I did. I also shared my feelings with the members of my women’s group and with my close friends. I looked up counselors in order to find an unbiased ear. I admitted my struggle at a meeting with other group leaders consisting of older women I have known for years. I was more vulnerable than I had been for a long time.

What did all of this unveiling of my heart and struggle yield?

I found people who were concerned for me and were troubled that I was hurting. I received offers of support through prayer, walking dates, and meetups. I saw that I did have connections and support I could rely on, that I wasn’t alone or unwanted. Nothing about my circumstances changed, but it was a huge emotional boost and changed my perspective from dejection and self-pity to one of hope and peace.

The Spiral of Change

Recently I heard Dr. Angela Schaffner talk about a theory of change, which states that change isn’t a straight line as many people think but instead, a spiral shape. It means we are likely to revisit an issue more than once but at slightly different points and perspectives. It might seem to be the same issue, but we’re a little farther along in the journey. We have the advantage of experience and wisdom to attribute to this particular encounter.

Dr. Schaffner admitted that this can be very challenging for perfectionists like me, because we want to have specific steps to take to successfully get from where we are to where we want to be, to help us change and become what we desire. She concluded her discussion of change by saying, “I would encourage anybody who’s revisiting a struggle you’ve had in the past not to say, ‘Oh, I’m back at square one’ because everybody revisits struggles. That’s normal. It’s about understanding that we’re works in progress, and when we revisit a struggle we can ask ourselves, ‘What have I learned about dealing with this struggle and how can I more effectively face it this time than I have in the past?’”

Where I want is to feel secure and confident in myself and my relationships, to not question whether my friendship is wanted or valuable. It’s highly unlikely, though, that I will always feel confident and peaceful in this area.  Situations will arise that cause me to feel less-than or disposable. When this happens, I will need to reach back into my previous experiences and extract the truth that there are people in my corner who can encourage me and remind me I am loved.

Will I always handle future disappointments in relationships or feelings of disconnection as successfully as my last experience? Probably not, but this is where grace comes in. I’m a flawed human being interacting with other flawed human beings. I won’t always get everything right. I won’t always accurately interpret others’ motives or communications. I will respond inappropriately at times. If I’m seeking God and asking for his wisdom and guidance, he will provide it (James 1:5). He will help me to see my incorrect thinking by providing truth. He blessed me with the insightful spiral view of change, which has encouraged me immensely. He will provide me with whatever tools I need in future challenges.

Do you struggle with feeling disconnected from community or disappointed in relationships? Consider sharing your feelings with trusted people who might be able to encourage you and help you see the support you possess. Seek comfort and wisdom through prayer and God’s word. God is faithful and will provide for all of your needs (Philippians 4:19).

Megan Byrd is an author, blogger, and SAHM. She lives with her husband, two children, and cat in Georgia. Megan likes to read, travel, exercise, attend cultural events, and learn. She blogs at meganbyrd.net.

Photograph © Ant Rozetsky, used with permission