Three Steps to Overcoming Perfectionism

As a follower of Jesus, I continuously desire to grow in love—love for God, for others, and for myself. I thrive on setting goals and methodically working through steps to completion, yet I possess a weakness that emerges whenever I’m working on a project. That weakness is perfectionism.

While perfection is the impetus that pushes me to complete the goals I set, it has no tolerance for failure or mistakes. This means there’s little room for love and grace, for being human. The drive for perfection is in direct opposition to my desire to grow in love, especially toward myself.

I love putting my thoughts down on paper because that’s how I best process my feelings and the lessons I’m learning as I move through life. I share my experiences with others through blogging because I desire to encourage them. I’m aware of how freeing it is to realize I’m not alone in a particular struggle or experience.

While this may sound like a noble ambition, I’m often thwarted by perfectionism, which is constantly offering up reasons not to publish what I write. My writing is not good enough yet. Who am I to have something valuable to say on this subject? Someone may be offended by what I write. Someone may be critical of my words. That last one is the deadliest. Criticism feels like failure to a perfectionist, and failure is what we try to avoid at all costs.

Perfectionism tells me that if it’s not perfect, it’s worthless. There is no in-between. It’s either the best post ever on that particular issue, or it’s trash. This is obviously a false dichotomy, but I struggle to accept the truth that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be valuable. I have left countless posts unpublished because of the fear of failure perfectionism instills in me.

The fear of failure caused by perfectionism also hinders me as a parent. One of my children is approaching the age where I want to talk about sex and give an accurate and positive picture of what it can and should be. I have never had a talk like this, so I’m doing what I normally do—research via books and articles. Perfectionism is trying to keep me from having this conversation, telling me I must wait until I have a full script that contains thoroughly researched and well-thought-out answers to every question that might possibly come up. Perfectionism wants me to become an expert on “having the talk” before doing it.

How do I become someone who doesn’t allow perfectionism to reign, someone who acknowledges that mistakes and failures will occur in a life truly being lived? I must learn to give myself grace. I must be okay with making mistakes and completing tasks with less rigid standards. I must give myself permission to risk and expand beyond my comfort zone, to be okay with “good enough.” Perfection tries to keep me flawless, but it also prevents me from an adventurous and abundant life.

God has been slowly chipping away at the fallacy I’ve been holding onto that perfection is possible. I’ve learned that any perceived perfection is only temporary. Therefore, satisfaction at achieving perfection can never last long. This realization has hurt my pride, but the pain has been a beneficial experience.

Learning to admit my mistakes has stretched me because I often feel shame when I mess up. Shame tries to convince me to cover up my failure or flaw because it’s weakness, and weakness is bad. My heart tries to condemn me and tell me I’m now useless, but that is not true.

The truth is that I have been redeemed. All my failures have been covered by Christ. My mistakes and slipups won’t affect the fact that I’m loved and purposed by God (Ephesians 1:3–14).

In fact, my weaknesses are what allow God’s power to be made evident in my life. Paul shares his personal experience with this truth in 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says, “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (NIV). It’s encouraging to be reminded that exposing our weaknesses gives God room to work in and through us.

I have found a challenging but effective three-step exercise to reduce my perfectionist tendencies and grow in love. First, I believe the truth God has spoken in his Word about his love for me and my worth as a child of God. Second, I share my weaknesses, mistakes, and failures with trustworthy people. Vulnerability creates room for receiving love, grace, and acceptance. Third, I forgive myself. This last step is crucial. I won’t experience true healing and freedom if I’m still holding myself captive by guilt and shame.

Paul sums up this three-step process well in Colossians 3:12–14: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (NIV). May we all grow in love and grace for one another and ourselves.

Megan Byrd is an author, blogger, and SAHM. She lives with her husband, two children, and cat in Georgia. Megan likes to read, travel, exercise, attend cultural events, and learn. She blogs at meganbyrd.net.

Photograph © Alex Lambley, used with permission