How to Overcome Your Cinderella Complex

Most girls grow into womanhood viewing love through the eyes of Cinderella. A princess’s expectation takes shape with the influence of Hollywood, the music industry, and romance novels. Idealistic, with whimsical dreams, a princess is vulnerable and naïve.  Convinced Prince Charming will “complete” her, she awaits her knight in shining armor.

Here’s the problem: Cinderella’s magical conviction is a setup. Her happily ever after will soon become a fractured fairytale. She needs to blow the fairy dust out of her eyes. There is no room for magical thinking in marriage, and there is no such thing as a perfect prince, except for the true Prince of Peace, her redeemer, Jesus Christ.

As a child, my youngest daughter had a princess mentality. She dressed in frilly clothes and commanded her household.  She was a regal hostess conducting exquisite tea parties.  With a wave of her magic wand, she created a perfect, royal world.

One day years later, after she married her real-life prince, she told me I’d taught her a truth that had proved invaluable.  Puzzled yet intrigued, I asked her to expound.

“You said, ‘Love is a choice, not a feeling,'” she replied. “‘As a wife, there will be many opportunities to choose love when you find you don’t like your husband. In fact, there might be times you wish you never married him.’ You comforted me as I struggled to find peace with this idea, saying, ‘All women wrestle with feelings. Feelings come and go; they are not truth, they are just feelings. Expect it and be prepared to surrender them to Jesus.’ You warned me, and I got it!  Emotions, left unchecked, lead us to believe in lies.”

Reflecting on our conversation, I realized what I’d shared with her came from my own tussle with imposing and pretentious feelings. My heart filled with joy. God had taken my mess and used it to minister to my girl.

I, too, was a Cinderella shaped by the influences of the world. All the alluring voices romanticizing love captured my attention. In addition, I was raised in a dysfunctional home. My heart was set on a deliverer. I dreamed of the day I would meet and marry my own Prince Charming. Yep, I set myself up.

My prince stood far above any other young man. I singled him out of all the guys on campus.  He was handsome, humble, musically gifted, and respected.  I witnessed him in positions of leadership on campus and in our local church. I thought he hadn’t noticed me, but God arranged a meeting between this prince and me. From that day forth, my prince entered into an agreement with his King. I was the girl he would marry.

After three years of courtship, we married. At my wedding, the phrase “they lived happily ever after,” skipped through my heart.  The gratitude I felt for this man having chosen me was overwhelming. Unfortunately, I placed my prince on a lofty and treacherous pedestal, a platform difficult for me to reach and impossible for him to stay on. The towering expectations of a princess crumble when she spots a blemish in her prince.

After marriage, Cinderella’s tendency is to look at her prince and see a toad. The shattering of her unrealistic beliefs shatters their oneness and intimacy. If she stays focused on her spouse’s weaknesses, she will be the one who brings an end to love.

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (Proverbs 14:1 NIV)

Taking the intrusive spotlight off her prince, leaving him to God, frees her up to examine her own heart. It is then that God changes her.

God’s girl nurtures love. Her garden thrives as she pulls weeds of discontent and chases lies from her thoughts.  She waters her garden with mists of God’s love, and it covers everything.  God plants love in her heart as she spends time with him.  He is the vine; she is a branch.  She stays connected to the vine and grows. Without him she can do nothing!

God’s love transforms Cinderella.  He who began a good work in her promises to complete it. This work of love is described in I Corinthians 13:4-8.  God’s love builds patience and kindness into her character.  He chips away at envy, pride, self-centeredness, and uncontrolled anger. He urges her to honor others and to forgive as she has been forgiven. She values truth, and it becomes her theme.  As she basks in his presence, she protects those she loves.  Her heart trusts and hopes, and it never gives up.  Love never fails.

As our focus shifts from our spouse to our heavenly Father, we radiate his love. He says we are precious in his sight. You are his princess. Only good things can come from a princess whose heart is set on God.

Susan Ream is basking in the grace of God. She loves all kinds of people. Being a Mom is her favorite role. She has collected many “kids” throughout the years. Most of her life she has been a pastor’s wife. She cherished that opportunity and proudly supported her devoted husband. She is a mother to three grownups and Nana to eleven extraordinary grandkids. Much of her writing features insights gained through the messes of life. God never wastes a hurt, and He is faithful to work ALL things together for our good. You can follow her at godisinthemidst.com.

Photograph © Bethany Beams, used with permission

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