The Blessings of Marrying Later

Dear Singles,

I see you. I know how much you long for a husband. Someone to hold your hand, kiss your sweet face, wrap arms of love around you. (And let’s be honest–someone to take out the trash, change the oil, and do the heavy lifting.)

He will be worth the wait, I promise. So will you, for him. And in all likelihood, your marriage will achieve a state of ease sooner than those girls you envy. You know the ones I mean–the ones who put twenty-seven bridesmaid dresses in your closet.

I’m not here to knock marrying young, please hear me on that. What I am here to do is to offer up why marrying later carries with it a unique bundle of blessings.

I met my husband two months before my thirty-fourth birthday. We got married two weeks before my thirty-sixth. I had my first baby at almost thirty-eight, my second at nearly forty.

I don’t feel late to the party. I feel deeply, profoundly thankful.

By the time I got married, I knew myself far better than I had at twenty, twenty-five, or even thirty. I’d managed to shed most of my insecurities. I’d gotten to that place where you actively decide to love yourself, embrace yourself, the way you are–because if you don’t, there’s no guarantee anyone else will. When I met my husband, I quickly realized I had a man who could see the wrinkles–I mean the writing–on the wall, and chose me anyway. Loved me anyway. I did the same.

We appreciate what we have differently from younger marrieds, I believe, because we waited so much longer for it. There were times we both despaired of ever meeting the right person. On the days we argue, the days we misunderstand each other, the too-busy-to-connect days, that’s what I remind myself of as I climb into bed at night. He was worth waiting for. He is worth my best efforts. We both know what alone looks like, and we know together is better. I think, too, that because we were both older when we got married, we’ve put our energy into building a simple, meaningful life we love to share. We support each other’s dreams, we cherish the small moments, we parent our daughters more intentionally than we probably would have at 25 or even 30. We experienced all kinds of challenges when we were single, from career disappointments to financial strain to grief and loss, so when we have to face those things together as a married couple, we are thankful we have each other to lean on.

Another benefit of marrying older was that by the time we stood at the altar exchanging vows, we had already settled into who were going to be for the rest of our lives. Passions, personalities, what we wanted out of life–all of that was clear from the start. Rather than having to finish growing up together the way many young marrieds do, we were all grown up when we came together, and we understood that about each other. There has been no expectation that either of us might be able to change the other, nor do we even want to try. We accept each other’s quirks and faults, and while they occasionally cause a squabble or an irritated sigh, we choose acceptance and love, and we move on.

Because we were already firmly ourselves when we met–the selves we were going to be for the rest of our lives–I believe we were also better matched from the start. Coming together later meant there was a better chance we would not diverge, a better chance we would keep on wanting the same things, sharing the same priorities, as the years pass.

So dear singles, be encouraged. You are not late. You are not lost. There is hope, beautiful and bright and sweet, that what will come will be beyond your wildest dreams, will be better than what you imagined as a romantic teenager, will be better than any airbrushed illusion Hollywood can create–all because of who you have been, who you are today, and who you will continue to become. God is good, and he always has a plan. He has not forgotten you.

Harmony Harkema has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past seven years in the publishing industry. A novelist and blogger in the fringe hours of her working mom life, Harmony also has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. Harmony lives in Memphis with her car-loving husband and two small daughters. She blogs at harmonyharkema.com.

Photograph © Bethany Beams, used with permission