Letting Go and Letting Your Adult Child Take Her Own Path

When they were little, I repeatedly told my daughters I had two primary goals for them: I wanted them to love Jesus, and I wanted them to love books. My rationale for this simplistic parenting strategy was as follows: loving Jesus would open their hearts and loving books would open their minds. With open hearts and open minds, I believed, everything else I dreamed about and wished for my girls would surely follow, and they would create for themselves lives of meaning and purpose. I still pray these things for my girls every day.

As Christian parents, many of us share similar goals. We offer our tiny babies in baptism in front of our congregations, promising to raise them to be disciples of Jesus. We bring them to church, and we pray with them every night. We protect Sundays from the ever-looming encroachment of extracurricular activities because we want them to understand the importance of regular worship and service with a faith community. They grow up as “church kids.” [Tweet “We pray the seeds planted during childhood will blossom into a lifetime of faith.”]

In recent months I have had numerous conversations with friends who, like me, are surprised by the changes they see in their young adult children, many of whom are pulling away from the church. According to the Barna Group, the experience of my circle of friends is not unique. Their research finds that three out of five young Christians disconnect from their churches after the age of fifteen. While there are many cultural, sociological, and developmental reasons for this trend, my focus here is not to ask why. Perhaps a more useful conversation would be to look at the ways we, as parents, might choose to respond when we see these trends play out in our families.

Here are a few of the things I am learning as we travel these uncharted waters.

It’s not about me

As parents, especially as moms, we tend to immediately take on every decision or action of our offspring as proof of either our efficacy or failure as parents. With both my children now in their twenties, I am beginning to understand my voice is only one of many to which they are listening. Yes, we as parents are the most consistent and powerful influences in our children’s lives, but not the only influences. Late adolescence and early adulthood is the time for them to experiment with new ways of looking at the world, and there is a high likelihood they will land a few places with which we will disagree. [Tweet “Questioning the messages of childhood is a normal, healthy part of growing up.”] It can feel like a personal attack when they are questioning things we hold dear, but we are wise to remember it is not about us.

I can trust God and my child

Scripture repeatedly uses the metaphor of planting a seed to remind us of the powerful connection between what we sow and what we reap. The time we spent introducing our children to the concept of a good and faithful God who loves them and seeks to be in relationship with them is never wasted. Through years of conversations, activities, and choices they saw us make, our kids likely know our opinion on every single conceivable topic without us continually reminding them what we believe. The Holy Spirit is still at work in our children’s lives, even when they aren’t showing up at worship on Sunday mornings. While open, honest, and respectful conversations about faith are wonderful, I am finding it is more important for me to listen carefully to their thoughts rather than defend my position in the areas where we disagree. Listening well, even when we disagree, keeps the lines of communication open and reminds our young adult children that home is a safe place to wrestle with important matters.

Live an authentic faith

The single most important thing we can do at this stage of our children’s lives to impact their view of God, faith, and the church is to focus on living an authentic life of faith ourselves. They are watching us even more than they are listening to us. Do we honestly, humbly, and authentically live out the faith we claim? Do we regularly pray? Are we involved in a healthy faith community that follows Jesus sacrificially and serves the world? Do our lives reflect the fruits of the Spirit–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control–in such a way others would be interested in meeting this Jesus we say we love? With many of the loudest Christian voices in the media showing our young adults a version of the church which repels them, what do they see in the lives of their parents which point them back to the radical love and grace of the Jesus they met in Sunday School? We do not need to be fearful when our children’s faith looks different than our own. They belong to God, and their journey is just beginning. With open hearts and open minds of our own, we can continue to be their biggest fans and safe place as they do the brave work of finding their way.

Kelly Johnson is a counselor, writer, speaker, and advocate. She leads a weekly Bible study and serves as chair of the board of directors at a local shelter for the homeless. Married to her high school sweetheart, she is the mom of two college-age daughters. Kelly writes about life, faith, and her newly empty nest at kellyjohnsongracenotes.com.