Why Girl Time Matters

I get together with a group of women every other Friday. There are nine of us, most a year or two on either side of our fiftieth birthdays. Our kids are all teens or twenty-somethings, and we have all been married for approximately forever. Along with the usual talk about our families and jobs, we now also routinely find ourselves telling mammogram and colonoscopy stories. Let’s just say I know way more than I need to know about these women’s bowels!

We are decidedly middle aged, and we think we are hilarious. If we don’t run out of time telling stories and laughing, we end our time by praying. We have traveled a number of difficult roads together from kids with chronic illness or legal problems to aging parents with Alzheimer’s or cancer. We have stood with one another through our own health challenges and through the loss of too many of our parents. Talking, laughing, crying, and praying with these ladies feels like church to me, in all the best ways.

Several years ago, our little group got very busy with life and fell out of the habit of meeting regularly. We were lamenting about this sad state of affairs in a Facebook chat stream where we found ourselves “meeting” instead. One friend mentioned she missed our face-to-face time together and wasn’t willing to put it on a back burner anymore. We all agreed we needed to make it a priority. We needed our “intentional girl time!” From that moment on, IGT was the official name for our gatherings.

Making time to spend time with other women is often a struggle. During the years when our kids are little, there never seems to be enough time. Our kids need our attention. Our spouse may feel neglected. We feel the endless pull of school committees, job responsibilities, and church obligations. For many women, the first casualty in the battle for our affections is girlfriend time. Looking back on those busy years, I know the most important decision I ever made was to fiercely protect my time with other women.

When I decided to stay home with my kids, I was terrified I would lose my mind from the lack of adult conversation. My kids were darling, but not the most scintillating conversationalists at one and three years old. The Internet was just getting started, and Facebook was still more than a decade away. I was lonely. A number of other women in my neighborhood were also feeling isolated, so we formed a playgroup. Our definition of playgroup was to drink coffee and eat pastries in the kitchen while any children not actively breastfeeding or in school all day played in the basement.

It was utter chaos. We never finished a sentence, and when it was your turn to host, you could count on spending the whole next day trying to salvage your home from the destruction. Still, it was my absolute favorite day of the week, and I would never have survived potty training, biting, and thumb sucking without those ladies. From then on, through every stage of my kids’ growing up years, I always made sure I protected my time with my friends.

[Tweet “We need our girlfriends, because we need other women who understand our struggles.”]

If I were speaking to a young mom just beginning her journey, I would tell her to cling fiercely to intentional girlfriend time.

Worry less about productivity and more about connection. Make it your mission to find women who are real and hold on tight to them. Lean into the mommas who know you love your kids and husband even when you complain about them. Find women who laugh with you over your stupid mistakes and cheer you on when you finally win a battle.

Make time with these women a priority, a sanctuary, a non-negotiable. Make sure they are women who believe in the power of prayer, because these will be the people who will fiercely love your kids and repeatedly storm heaven on their behalf. Some of these moms will still be around twenty years later praying your babies through college decisions and boyfriend troubles.

They will be your lifeline. Find them as soon as you can.

Now my kids live elsewhere much of the year, off to college and busy with their own lives. I have more freedom to fill my days, yet I still find I have to be intentional about protecting my time with my friends. In our to-do list-obsessed culture, socializing doesn’t always feel like an accomplishment that merits a space on my calendar, especially when we can get a quick fix these days from online interactions. However, the many roles we find ourselves juggling as women require us to take care of ourselves. We can’t give what we don’t have, so we must fill ourselves up in order to pour ourselves out. Face-to-face time with our women friends—time spent talking, laughing, crying, commiserating, encouraging, and praying—is essential to being all God created us to be for the people we love.

We need each other, ladies. Call your friends and make a date!

Kelly Johnson is a counselor, writer, speaker, and advocate. She leads a weekly Bible study and serves as chair of the board of directors at a local shelter for the homeless. Married to her high school sweetheart, she is the mom of two college-age daughters. Kelly writes about life, faith, and her newly empty nest at kellyjohnsongracenotes.com.