Live in Peace

“If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18 HCSB)

I grew up believing that this verse, paired with talk of dying to self, meant my opinions and preferences were of little to no consideration. By giving in, I would demonstrate the love of Jesus to others. My job as a Christian, especially as a southern Christian woman, was to give in to the everyone else’s ideas and wishes.

The opening clause of that verse, “if possible,” disappeared into the background. Despite the abundance of resources on setting boundaries, I could never accept that doing so was a viable option for a Christian. While the concept sounded healthy and admirable, I could never reconcile it with Scripture.

My perspective changed dramatically after hearing a recent sermon where the pastor led with scriptural guidance to restore broken relationships, then addressed what we should do if reconciliation is not possible. He shared an experience with conflict from his college years which required separation from someone. What are Christians to do when we explore all paths to reconciliation, yet discover that they are not enough?

I mentally pushed back with, Reconciliation is always possible. That’s our job as Christians, to die to what we want. I’m supposed to show love and grace, and defer to the other person’s opinion. My actions just a few days prior, however, disagreed with my own assessment.

I spent my Fourth of July holiday taking my husband to the Emergency Room. After pulling my first ever all-nighter, sitting in a plastic chair waiting on tests, his doctors admitted him. For several days, they worked to stabilize his blood pressure and manage his pain. After a week spent caring for my darling, my energy waned. When I returned to the real world, I received an email that broke me.

“I understand you’ve been in the hospital, but…” it began. The writer went on to demand precious resources I didn’t have to give. I couldn’t respond in grace and love because my husband’s illness had drained me. I didn’t have enough gas in my tank to make the trip between my own exhaustion and a graceful response. When I heard the sermon quoted above just three days later, I felt as if God had prepared the message just for me. Encouraging the congregation to turn in their Bibles, the minister read from Acts 15, starting in verse 36:

After some time had passed, Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s go back and visit the brothers in every town where we have preached the message of the Lord and see how they’re doing.” Barnabas wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul did not think it appropriate to take along this man who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone on with them to the work. There was such a sharp disagreement that they parted company, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed off to Cyprus. Then Paul chose Silas and departed, after being commended to the grace of the Lord by the brothers. He traveled through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. (Acts 15:36-41 HCSB)

Paul and Barnabas disagreed about bringing John Mark along on their mission. They came to an impasse, and neither caved to the opinion of the other. While the book of Acts continues to follow the journey of Paul, the Bible doesn’t pick sides. Readers do, however, see just how God used the fractured relationship for his glory. The next few chapters of Acts explain that the split resulted in two separate missionary journeys, casting a wider net and resulting in even more people being reached with a message of Jesus than would have been possible originally.

I’ve heard of boundaries. I have even read plenty of books and articles which suggest they are biblical. Until I heard that sermon, however, I had never heard someone point to Acts 15 as an example of cutting ties in the midst of a disagreement. While wrestling with the concept, a friend pointed to the ultimate biblical example of boundary-setting: during his earthly ministry, Jesus protected his time alone in prayer: “But the news about Him spread even more, and large crowds would come together to hear Him and to be healed of their sicknesses. Yet He often withdrew to deserted places and prayed” (Luke 5:15-16 HCSB)

Similarly, the Father provides us an example of boundaries in prayer. Sometimes God’s answer to our prayers can be yes, no, or not yet. If our good and loving heavenly Father may respond with “no” or “wait,” doesn’t it stand to reason that those replies are also acceptable for us to give when others make requests we can’t grant?

The type of boundary needed varies as greatly as each person’s situation. Setting boundaries can mean speaking my needs, a practice that is simple but not easy. Other times, setting a boundary involves putting protection in place to prevent the violation of established boundaries. In my case, I asked the person who sent the offensive email not to contact me using a certain form of communication. When she continued to challenge my boundary by contacting me in this manner, I used the gift of technology to block her from continuing. I’m learning as I grow in my understanding of boundaries that the act of setting up a protective hedge around my space doesn’t mean I don’t love those on the other side of it.

As Christians, we are called to love everyone, even those who wish us harm. We are not, however, called to be in a relationship with everyone. Disagreement or even separation does not imply a lack of love. While implementing and maintaining protective measures, we ought to be in continual prayer to ensure the guidance of the Holy Spirit as we seek to love well, whether as a neighbor or from afar.

Brooke Justus Fradd celebrates the small wins in life while always being on the lookout for the next great adventure she can share with her husband, Jay. On her blog, Awkwardly Graceful, she shares the moments in life she hopes will become treasured memories.

Photograph © Ahtziri Lagarde, used with permission