Choose Grace

In The Book of Forgiving, Archbishop Desmond Tutu uses the example of being cut off in traffic to demonstrate our ability to choose our response in any given situation. One choice is to take it personally and become angry, which will not lead to anything positive. It will increase his blood pressure and negatively affect his attitude for an extended period of time. His other choice is grace. He can choose to attribute a forgivable reason for the driving. Perhaps a family member is in intensive care in a hospital. Or perhaps the driver is rushing to help deliver a baby. If the archbishop can identify with those feelings of fear or anxiety the other driver might be experiencing, then he is able to extend grace. When this happens, he often prays for the person and wishes them well. He’s then able to move on without it noticeably affecting his mood or the rest of his day.

Looking through the Lens of Grace

I was amazed at how true his example rang for me. I often jump to the conclusion that invites me to take personal offense to another’s behavior. I am quick to think the worst rather than provide a reasonable and understandable alternative. Since reading this story, I’ve been trying to change my way of thinking, starting with my family.

When my children act out of character, I know that I can choose to believe they are purposefully being difficult or sassy and get angry in response. But I also know that there’s another option. I can pause and think of alternative rationales for their behavior. Reminding myself that they’re normally kind and obedient can help me realize that they’re probably tired or hungry. When I can think of a non-personal reason for their behavior, then I’m more easily able to act in a loving and compassionate manner. Instead of getting angry and escalating the situation unnecessarily, I can bring gentleness and grace, and we can all move through the event with a more positive attitude. It doesn’t mean I don’t address the behavior; it just means I err on the side of grace in attributing meaning to the behavior.

Showing Grace to Ourselves

I’ve learned that I can also choose grace over judgment toward myself. I’ve dealt with perfectionism for a long time and can be pretty hard on myself when I make a mistake. Experience shows me that being hard on myself doesn’t change what happened nor does it impel me to change my behavior. The times I’ve been compassionate toward myself, I’ve received glimpses of a better way.

I had an appointment one morning and started driving my usual route to the doctor’s office. I noticed that the GPS was instructing me to take a different route. I ignored it, choosing to go the way with which I was most familiar. It turned out to be a big mistake as there was an accident further up the road that I couldn’t yet see. I ended up stuck in traffic and late for my appointment. I could have berated myself for my stubbornness, but instead I allowed myself to be human. I called ahead to let the office know I would be late and was met with grace and understanding. I then spent the extra time in the car praying and listening to worship music. I also resolved to listen to the GPS next time.

Learning to Choose Grace

In theory, choosing grace over judgment is a wonderful concept. How can we make it tangible and turn it into a practice?

First, we can remember that judgment is reserved for God (James 4:12). God is perfectly just and is in charge of the consequences. We do not have to be the ones to make sure others are being properly disciplined. That’s not our job. Our job is to love. And even God, who is just, loves to show grace and mercy whenever he can (Isaiah 30:18).

Second, we can choose to believe that the behavior of others, especially of strangers, is not personal. People are often focused mostly on themselves. They probably didn’t see your car or were distracted by something going on in their lives. They’re human, just as you are, and sometimes make mistakes. Remember the golden rule, and do to others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31).

Third, remind yourself that you are human. God did not create us to be perfect and infallible. In fact, he delights in our weakness and imperfections because it is how his power can be shown (2 Cor. 12:9). You will never get everything right or stop making mistakes, and that’s okay. That’s a part of living.

Fourth, remember God’s grace, which is yours to receive. He knew that we would screw up and provided an allowance for that: Jesus (Romans 5:8). He knew that we would screw up and didn’t hold it against us. He saw our weakness and, in his love, provided our redemption. Because of God’s grace for us, we are cleansed, redeemed, and made new. We should receive that for ourselves and offer it to others.

You choose how to respond to situations. You’re in charge of your actions and emotions. No one can make you feel a certain way. You get to decide whether to look for the most grace-filled reason for another’s behavior or the most offensive. Choose grace so that you can live a life marked by freedom rather than anger, bitterness, or resentment.

Megan Byrd enjoys reading, writing, traveling, and introverting. She loves nothing better than discovering a wanted book in a thrift store or hiking alongside a river with her family or a good friend somewhere around her home of Asheville, NC. She’s the author of Between Us Girls and can be found chronicling her reading and writing journey @megan.e.byrd on Instagram or writing about life at www.meganbyrd.net.

Photograph © Etty Fidele, used with permission