How to Be an Encourager
“Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you are doing.” (1 Thess. 5:11 NRSV)
It’s probably safe to assume we all know what it’s like to feel down, discouraged, and alone. We’ve all felt like we’re walking in the dark at some point. So we all likely know how even a small act of encouragement from someone who cares can help. Sometimes a kind word or question is all it takes to make a significant difference in someone else’s life.
We can all think of times when people have discouraged us. Discouraged us in pursuing our goals, discouraged us in what we believe is our calling, discouraged us from speaking out, discouraged us from doing the right thing.
The discouragers try to hold power in our lives, but we don’t need to let them rule us.
I think we can learn much from paying attention to the people who encourage us. Encouragers can make all the difference.
The word encourage is from Anglo-French, meaning “to make strong, to make bold.” Encouragement is more than a greeting-card saying; it can help give someone the strength they need to survive hard and challenging times. It can stir up someone’s spirit to face their circumstances with boldness.
But what does meaningful encouragement look and sound like? I think it’s more than saying, “I’ll pray for you” when someone has shared something difficult. As well-meaning as an offer of prayer can be, it can come across as shallow or dismissive if it’s not backed up by something deeper.
Encouragement that is helpful is rooted in the present moment. It can mean actively listening to someone share their story. It can mean saying “I see you,” “I hear you,” or “I’m here with you.” It can mean withholding judgment when you don’t understand or relate.
I’ve experienced dark times, times when I had little hope that things would get any better. But I remember the people who let me sit in their living rooms when I felt unsafe at home, the people who listened to the details of my story with compassion, the people who created safety in their presence, the people who treated me with dignity instead of pity. Their encouragement helped me hold on and gave me the strength to hope.
Even with this experience, I’ve found that it can be easy to be discouraging to others. It is easy to judge someone else’s experience or to assume I understand the situation. It’s much more challenging to be an encourager.
Sometimes when people attempt encouragement, they are really just trying to lead someone toward a decision or path they want that person to take. But you can’t force someone to believe a certain way or make a certain choice. Rather, you can show them love for who they are right now. You don’t have to agree with someone to encourage them.
It didn’t take much to encourage me when I was at my lowest point. Just a gentle “You’re not being treated well,” was enough to let me know I was worth something more than how I was being treated. It was enough to give me hope to imagine a different future. It was enough to give me courage.
Meaningful encouragement takes discernment, timing, and emotional intelligence. Having discernment means understanding the situation and how best to be a friend. Timing is understanding when to speak and when to simply listen. Emotional intelligence means perceiving how the other person is expressing their feelings, and also understanding your own emotions in response. All of this takes empathy, being open to thinking through how the other person feels.
Here are some ways you can be an encourager in your relationships:
- Create a safe space. You can cultivate an environment in your home and in your relationships where other people feel safe to be themselves and to ask for help if they need it. A safe space is safe from harm and judgment; it’s a place of mutual respect and care.
- Point out the positive. By giving someone a simple compliment or praising their achievements, you can make a big difference in their day. You’re showing that they are valued, cared for, and thought of. You are demonstrating that you care.
- Show that you are listening when someone shares their story with you. Learn about active listening and suspend any judgment while you discern how best to respond to lift the other person up. It can be tricky to listen to someone’s story and not come up with your best ideas for a solution to their problems. But it’s important not to offer easy answers, and to listen rather than try to fix someone else’s situation. Ask if the person would like your perspective or wait until they request your advice before offering it.
- Be there when someone needs you. Instead of sermonizing over someone’s choices (even when you perceive them as mistakes), you can help out when they need you. Giving someone a ride, visiting someone who’s lonely, sending a note to a faraway friend–these are all small ways you can show your support.
My hope is that we all can learn to encourage each other in love. It doesn’t have to be complicated, and with mindfulness, we can support and lift each other up through difficult times.
is a writer, reader, and publishing professional who lives with her husband in Grand Rapids, Michigan. After leaving the stay-at-home-daughter movement, she started over by studying creative writing at Michigan State University, working in education and literacy, and eventually finding her way to an editorial position in book publishing. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.
Photograph © Priscilla Du Preez, used with permission
