How to Respond to Faith Deconstruction

If you haven’t already, you’re almost certain to encounter someone in your personal life who is going through a season in which her* faith is shifting, something that has been labeled as “faith deconstruction.” For Christians, especially evangelicals, who are not themselves experiencing a period of deconstruction, discovering that a friend or family member–someone who likely used to share her theological and doctrinal views–is in a season of faith deconstruction can incite a negative response. It may feel to the evangelical like the person in question is any manner of things from heretical to dangerous to hell-bound. It may seem she is questioning everything the evangelical relies upon as truth, the very pillars of the evangelical’s spiritual life. The evangelical’s first instinct may be to withdraw, to reject, or even to confront in a judgmental way (out of a desire to “hold the person accountable,” which the evangelical views as noble or as her responsibility as a Christian).

I don’t want to get into the specifics of deconstruction here. There are plenty of good sources that cover that which have already been published. Here’s one I rather like. But I will just say this: deconstruction is more than a simple abandonment of belief. It is almost never a move toward atheism or agnosticism. It is not a rejection of God or of Jesus Christ. It is, however, a lengthy process involving the questioning, exploring, taking apart, and rebuilding of the tenets, representations of faith: the church, religious institutions, doctrinal statements, religious practices, political stances, hidden prejudices, and so on.

As the evangelical friend of a deconstructionist, you may feel deeply worried about your friend’s spiritual health. You may feel like her questioning means you should distance yourself because, clearly, you are not on the same spiritual page anymore. How can she possibly support you in your faith journey? How can you continue on the road to Emmaus together? You may worry about getting “sucked in” to deconstruction yourself. (Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, right?) You may feel morally superior (and possibly secretly yucky about this feeling, but still feeling it) because your friend or loved one has gone off the rails and is heading down a slippery slope that can only end in his or her salvation being revoked, and that you ought to get going on a campaign to bring your friend back to her senses. You may tell yourself it’s your Christian duty to call in the troops–the church troops, the seminary troops, the small group troops, the family troops.

These are all things you should not do. Here are some suggestions of things you can do.

Remember that God is sovereign.

Your friend’s salvation does not depend on you. It is not up to you to call in the troops, to take responsibility for helping your friend “see the light”–unless, of course, your friend directly asks you to unpack your theology for her. You can trust that her heart is in God’s hands, and just as he does not leave you in times of struggle, he is not going to leave her, either. You can pray for her, certainly, but strive to do so humbly, without assuming you know what God is doing or will do in her life. Just pray for wholeness and peace.

Don’t assume your friend will leave the faith.

The “rebuilding” component of deconstruction is important. In no way should the evangelical assume that the only possible result of deconstruction is the end of someone’s faith. It may look like all your friend is doing is taking her faith apart, but think of it as a puzzle that is two-sided. She will most likely turn the pieces over and construct a new and different puzzle in which Christ is still the center. It might not look exactly like your puzzle anymore, but it will still be complete.

Listen and be steadfast.

If your friend wants to talk, be willing to listen lovingly and compassionately. Don’t feel pressured to have answers to all her questions or to “correct” her new view of faith-related things if it is no longer the same as yours. Continue to be the same friend you’ve always been–be a better friend, even. Be someone she can rely on. Be steadfast. Listening to someone who is going through a season of deconstruction without passing judgment or withdrawing from the relationship is a tangible act of love. Jesus listened. We should, too.

Don’t break confidence.

As Christians, we sometimes tell ourselves we have a duty to go to our pastor or small group leader if we are concerned about someone’s faith journey and share things our friend has told us in confidence. Sometimes, this is the right thing to do, as in the case of sexual abuse. But in the case of someone who is going through deconstruction, this can be damaging to both your relationship and the way your friend views the Christian structures within which she has been living. She may feel vulnerable and on shaky ground as it is. If you break confidence, she may then feel betrayed. She may interpret pastoral intervention, even that which is well-intentioned, as an attack.

Honor her by respecting her journey.

No one’s faith journey is the same. Just as we all have unique DNA, we all have our own green valleys, our own wildernesses. The journey is largely personal, even intimate. Its foundation is a relationship between the individual and God, not between the individual and other people or even the individual and the church. God sees each of us as unique and precious–none of us are created better or superior in his sight, and our faith journeys are, likewise, equally precious and equally valuable. Jesus tells us not to hinder one another from seeking him, and this seeking looks different for everyone. We should not be so prideful as to think there is one narrow path to Christ. Even if you feel inclined to be concerned or afraid for your friend and the outcome of her deconstruction process, honor her by respecting that process, which is hers and hers alone. Only she knows the ins and outs of her intimate relationship with God. You can be a source of support and encouragement, but you can’t try to prevent her from walking out her path.

Love your friend as yourself.

When it comes to others, Jesus asked us to do one thing, and only one thing: to love them as we love ourselves. We were not asked to heal, to redeem, to save. Only Jesus can do that. We were also not asked to indoctrinate, to fix, to judge, to correct. We can come alongside when invited. We can emulate Jesus with our love. We can show mercy and compassion, which are extensions of that love. We can be steadfast and trustworthy. Above all, we can trust God with our loved ones’ salvation, because it is out of our hands. We can trust that God is sovereign even over the process of faith deconstruction.

*Note: For ease, and since this is a website primarily geared toward women, I have used female pronouns in this post rather than the more impersonal “they” or the more stilted “he/she.”

Harmony Harkema has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past twelve years in the publishing industry. A writer herself in the fringe hours of her working-and-homeschooling mom life, Harmony has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. She is the owner of The Glorious Table and cohost and producer at The Relatable Homeschoolers podcast. Harmony lives in Memphis with her husband and two daughters. You can find her at HarmonyHarkema.com and on Instagram @harmonyharkema.

Photograph © Ashley Batz, used with permission