God First: An Invitation to a Beautiful Breaking
I didn’t pick a word for 2022, but if I had to it would probably be breaking. I learned personally in 2022 how breaking, although hard and painful, can be beautiful. The castles I had built were crumbling and the achievements and status that I wore proudly morphed into something I just wanted to hide. There was some heartbreak, the breaking of expectations and relationships, but mostly the breaking of idols. Realizing thatGod first wasn’t quite the order on my priority list. As I began to realize that I had idols in my life, I was surprised to find I had many.
An idol is anything you put before God, and it’s easy to take good things and gifts that God has blessed us with and make them idols. I’ve loved the Lord my entire life and been fully devoted to his ways, and yet I still had idols. I was naïve to think that an idol only applied to those not pursuing Christ, and so I stopped diligently guarding against them. I’ve learned that more vigilance is required with the position of my heart to everything else in this life. The good gifts of a home, my beautiful marriage, my joyful family, and financial security had all taken the wrong positions in my heart, but I was asleep to it.
I held my home like a trophy that I felt I earned and in which I placed much of my identity. Although I thanked God for it, in my heart I held it as a source of pride for what I had accomplished. Life could not throw my long-thriving marriage any obstacle we couldn’t handle. The status of the wife of a successful banker with all the perks that came with it was the affirmation that we were important and had made it to a career goal we dreamed of for many years. I thanked God for my husband and for this amazing job, but it was really a source of pride in myself for what we had managed to maintain. I had put much trust in the security of both my marriage and his career. If my husband and I had no conflict, then I stayed happy and content. If a conflict arose between us, then nothing was right. My eyes were blind to the idol my marriage had become. I placed more of my worth in the condition of my marriage than in the condition of my soul. I thought I had a rooted identity in Christ, but that identity became entangled in my family.
My children were dealing with illness, anxiety, and social issues that quickly took priority over anything else. I took it upon myself to fix these problems. I elevated myself and my children above God. If I could just take the perfect actions for my kids, or find the perfect combination of supplements, activities, and friendships to keep them healthy, then we could have peace. I did trust God with my children but not wholeheartedly. I held on tightly to anything that I felt I could control. Then came the idol of finances. I put more trust in the security of a fat savings account and a closet stocked with extra food than in God’s ability to provide. I took God’s gifts, clamped my first tightly around those blessings, and turned them into idols.
As we realized how far we had deviated from God’s design and in dealing with the consequences of all of it, God continued to reveal all the idols masquerading as something else. Because of the changes God called us to make, we’ve lost social circles, friendships, and some interaction with extended family. I have hope for restoration, but I will give up whatever God requires that is taking the place of his will despite the difficulty. Breaking is painful, and just like a doctor resetting a bone so it can heal properly, it has to get worse before it gets better. We experienced a beautiful and holy breaking over many months, and it hurt so much that at times it stung to breathe. The dust from the demolition of our idols flew everywhere and we didn’t know how to rebuild the pile of rubble through the clouded view.
The good news is we don’t have to! God didn’t ask us to pick up the broken pieces and superglue them back together like a mosaic. A mosaic is what it looks like when we attempt to repair brokenness ourselves. Our lives may be beautiful again, but they can never be one whole piece as God designed. But God is much better than using superglue on our mistakes. He makes all things new! He makes the broken beautiful and restores them. HE RESTORES! A restoration makes something look like it did when it was new. Brand new!
As 22022 came to a close, I realized that what seemed like the devastation of my heart was just the first step toward rebuilding. To rebuild anything, it first has to be torn down. It can be hard to see the good through the dust and rubble, but the more the dust settles, the more clearly we are seeing the beautiful structure God is building. So we start again in this new year finding a new normal, a new look, and a new design. If you are discovering that God first isn’t quite the order of things in every area of your life, let me invite you into a beautiful breaking that would lead to a stronger structure.
“And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” (Rev. 21:5)
“All who fashion idols are nothing, and the things they delight in do not profit. Their witnesses neither see nor know that they may be put to shame. Who fashions a god or casts an idol that is profitable for nothing.” (Isa. 44:9–20)
Stephanee Howell spends her days mostly as caregiver, teacher, and referee to her three children. She writes for her own personal therapy and for the love of writing. Her favorite hobby is crocheting with friends. Her mission is to point them to a relationship with God, as well as to know and make him known. Her fuel comes from the Holy Spirit, a deep love of family, and numerous cups of coffee a day. Reminding herself that stress is not a fruit of the spirit, she depends on positive perspective, patience, and enjoying the moment.
Photograph © Matt Perkins, used with permission
