Are You Still Good, God?
The words came through my car’s speakers, but they could have just as easily come from my own lips.
“My heart is breaking in a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing with the question, “Are you still good?”
That was my question. The collective loss of the past few months left me blinded to God’s goodness.
How did I get here? This place where I was questioning the goodness of God when mere months ago, I wrote these words:
So why would I question God’s goodness during trials? Our pain and suffering are often tools God uses to promote physical and spiritual growth. But our complete healing comes through the pain of another.
But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. (Is. 53:5 ESV)
Christ’s suffering. Our healing. Isn’t that all we really need to know about the goodness of our God?
Maybe you have been here, too. Questioning your beliefs because they don’t align with your feelings.
All I could feel was the weight of my accumulated loss. A lost job meant another move. And a move meant leaving community behind. Moving is always hard, but this time I was moving 822 miles from family, in the middle of a crisis. The day I moved into my new house, I got the call that I needed to come home. I booked a flight but arrived too late. After two weeks with family mourning our loss, and the deeper anguish, I was back in my house surrounded by boxes waiting to be unpacked. Far, far away from family and friends, consumed by grief, I felt utterly lost and alone. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted.
Following the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed:
“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him.”
Fatigue, loneliness, and grief were telling my heart dreadful things about God — that he could not be trusted. That maybe he wasn’t as powerful or compassionate as I had believed.
In my desperation to remember who God was, I visited the Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) website to find a study tool called “The Attributes of God.” While I was there, I decided to put in my new address to see exactly how far away the nearest BSF group was. When we knew we were moving, I had done the same thing and had been disappointed to learn that there was not a group in my new town. But this time when I put in my address, a class popped up. Located less than five minutes from my house!
I contacted the group leader. Like me, she had moved from a place that had BSF and she had spent the last two years trying to get a local group started. The class she now led had begun just two weeks earlier! She went on to share that she had been specifically praying for someone who had experience with BSF to join their group.
Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of the goodness of God.
As I worked through my BSF lessons over the next few weeks, reading about God’s faithfulness in the life of the prophet Elijah, I was reminded of his power and goodness.
1 Kings 17 chronicles how Elijah walked with God and witnessed his power and provision in miraculous ways. Elijah predicted a drought that caused a great famine throughout Israel, but God told Elijah to go to the brook Cherith where he would have water. And God sent him food by way of ravens! When the brook dried up, God sent him to a widow in Zarephath and God miraculously provided for Elijah, the widow and her son. When the widow’s son took ill and died, Elijah cried out to God and the Lord brought him back to life.
In 1 Kings 18, God told Elijah to confront Ahab and the prophets of Baal. They had a fiery showdown where Baal proved impotent, and the Lord demonstrated his mighty power. Afterward, Elijah put the 450 prophets of Baal to death. Then he prayed for rain, and God opened the heavens.
Elijah witnessed God’s power and goodness in all these mighty works. And, yet, when Jezebel heard all that Elijah had done and threatened to kill him, exhausted and discouraged, he fled.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” (1 Kings 19:4 ESV)
But he did not die. Instead, God sent an angel who provided cake and water for him. Elijah ate and he rested.
After the Lord met Elijah’s physical needs, he led him to Mount Horeb where God spoke to him. Not in wind, earthquake, or fire, but in a gentle whisper, saying, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (1 Kings 19:13 ESV)
As I sat in this place of questioning God’s goodness, the Lord asked me, “What are you doing here?” It was not a voice of scolding, but a whisper of compassion. Seeing my weakness and meeting my needs through the nourishment of his word and the community of BSF.
Drawing me back to him.
“O taste and see that the Lord is good!” (Psalm 34:8 ESV)
and her husband of thirty-three years live in Gainesville, FL. They have moved a dozen times, raising three children along the way. They have added a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and two precious grandsons to the mix. When she is not packing or unpacking, Ann enjoys serving as a mentor mom for MOPS International, joining Bible studies, meeting friends for coffee, taking long walks, and watching lots of football. Ann is passionate about using lessons from her journey to help other women navigate change in their own lives.
Photograph © Timothy Eberly, used with permission
