Understanding Singleness

Being single can be very challenging. There is the loneliness, uncertainty of the future, feeling like a third wheel, frustration of dating, and wondering if God really has a plan. On top of that, there are many myths and misunderstandings that come with singleness. Our friends and family try to be encouraging, but they can end up reinforcing the lies that are so common in our society surrounding singleness.

Whether you are single or have single people in your life, it is important to take a look at common misconceptions about singleness in order to understand God’s special design for singles. Let’s unpack these myths and see the beauty in the single life.

Myth 1: Marriage Is Superior to Singleness

Singleness can feel like being on the B Team. The people who are married or in relationships are celebrated with anniversaries, engagement parties, and weddings. Then all that is left for single people are the constant questions from friends and your grandma at the family gathering: “Have you met anyone yet?”

Singleness can feel like being in an inferior group of people, but that is drastically different from the way that God views singleness. There are numerous amazing examples of single people in the Bible: Hagar, Paul, Anna, Jeremiah, and even Jesus! As we read the pages of the Bible, we see the incredible things that God did with single people, especially how he used them to spread his Word.

God views singleness and marriage as both equally important.  As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8, “It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I do.” That is because God has singleness specially chosen for seasons of some people’s lives and marriage chosen for seasons of other people’s lives. No matter what season you are in, you can trust that God will use it for good as he promises in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.” Next time you feel inferior because you are single, remember, God has specially chosen this time for you. Can you trust that He will use it for good?

Myth 2: God Has a Spouse for Every Single Person

This was one of the hardest truths for me to come to terms with in singleness. Many people love to give advice to singles including, “You will find someone when you stop looking,” or “Don’t worry, God has a special person out there for you.” But the truth is that nowhere in the Bible does God promise marriage to us. One of the things I have had to wrestle with is, “How can God be good if he never lets me get married? If he never fulfills that desire I have for a spouse?”

God doesn’t promise us a spouse, but he does promise us things that are much better. He promises he will always be with us (Matthew 28:20), He promises he has plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11), and he promises that if we believe in him, we will get to spend eternity with him in heaven (John 3:16)! A spouse may feel like the biggest desire we have right now, but it cannot compare to the love, understanding, wholeness, and incredible future we have with God!

Myth 3: Singleness Is a Time of Waiting until Marriage

It is very easy to think that life will begin with marriage. I have told myself things like, “My life will slow down” or “I will finally be happy” once I am married. But even if marriage is in our future, it won’t solve the problems, temptations, and hardships we deal with now.

So we have a choice in our singleness. We can either view it as a time of waiting and see if we ever get married, or we can view it as a time and place that God specially chose for us. And since the God who loves us so much that he died for us, chose it for us, can we embrace it? Can we choose to set aside the sorry feelings we have for ourselves and start seeing the opportunities we have right now? Time to chase the dreams God has put in our hearts. Time to help others. Time to figure out the incredible people God has made us to be. It is your choice of how you want to use this time.

Myth 4: You Can’t Be Happy if You Are Single

It is easy for Satan to creep into our minds to convince us that something is wrong with us or we are missing out on life because we are single. But once we realize that God is with us and has specially chosen to allow us to be single in this moment, we have a huge opportunity to use our singleness for His glory.

It is not common to think that single people are happy. Society loves to fill our minds with songs, tv shows, and movies that all show we would be happier in a relationship. But once you start being happy as a single, it shocks people. I have seen people question over and over “How can you be so happy as a single and I can’t even be happy in a relationship?” Then I get the opportunity to share God’s love with them and see how singleness is truly a gift to evangelize to people.

In a world where it doesn’t make sense to be happy and single, we can show how much God’s love truly changes us when we can be happy despite our circumstances. It is an amazing gift to show how wonderfully God changes our hearts and lives!

Being single comes with many challenges, but understanding the truth about singleness can help us live the loved, whole lives that God intended for us as singles!

Hannah Schermerhorn knows what singleness is like, as she was months away from getting married when her wedding was called off. She absolutely loathed being single again, but in the following years, God taught her many hard lessons that transformed her bitterness into authentic joy. In her debut book A Single Life to Live: Stop Waiting for Your Life to Begin and Thrive Where God Has You Today (Baker Books, February 2023) Hannah draws from the diverse experiences of single people in the Bible and debunks common myths and misunderstandings about singleness—including the pervasive feeling that a person can’t really begin their life until they’re married.