Identity Crisis

Where we draw our identity from matters. If we are basing it on worldly definitions like lawyer, doctor, mother, wife, etc., then our identity isn’t grounded in a foundation that is solid or secure. But if the foundation of our identity is reliable and proven, then we will be stronger, more confident, and self-assured. If we see ourselves as the daughters of the one true King, heirs to his kingdom, loved, accepted, forgiven, and redeemed, that is good enough to get us through any hardship or weather any sort of change without having an identity crisis.

Eleven years ago, I had my first identity crisis. God decided to knock down most of my main identity sources in almost one fell swoop. When I was six months pregnant with my first child, my husband’s job moved us to a new city (the second one in less than three years). I knew next to no one. Moving to a new place at the beginning of September as a school social worker meant that there were no job openings. For the first time in over a decade, I wasn’t going to be working. On top of that, add the natural identity change that occurs when you become a first-time mom. See what I mean by one fell swoop? All the major pillars (people, places, and even purpose) I had used to identify myself for most of my life were suddenly gone.

It took me years to rebuild my identity, mostly because I kept trying to reclaim those old blocks to use for my foundation. I am stubborn, but God is patient. I came to realize after a while that part of the reason I was stripped of everything was so that I could have the time and energy to search and find what should be the only source of my foundation. Once I finally put God in his rightful place, I was able to slowly reconstruct, brick by brick, who I was meant to be, who he created me to be.

I started by simply asking myself if I even truly liked my favorite music, exercise, and hobbies, which may seem like small things to reevaluate, but they added up to one large shift in who I was. I then found myself examining my morals and values. We spend so much time being influenced by the world around us that we rarely stop to consider if we actually like something. While not all outside influences are negative, that doesn’t mean that they reflect our true selves.

After all those years of working on my identity, I thought I had it all figured out. I knew who I was and what was important to me. But it all came to a head again when my youngest was getting ready for kindergarten. When I say everyone asked me, “Now, what will you do?” I’m not exaggerating. My daughter hadn’t even stepped onto the bus, and everyone was worried about my newfound free time. I laughed it off, but when any well-meaning person asked me that question, I found myself not saying what I wanted but what I thought they wanted to hear.

I wrestled with my new identity because it didn’t fit in with who I thought I should be. I still found myself wishing to identify as productive and successful as the world defines those things. I was experiencing another identity crisis. I had already been filling my time with things that were important to me but didn’t hold much weight with other people. I was writing and creating social media content for my church (for free), as well as making money in smaller ways to allow myself to continue to grow those first two endeavors.

The truth is that I am uniquely made to fulfill God’s will for my life, not the world’s. My identity is who he created me to be, not what the world thinks I should be. So is yours.

During my first identity crisis, I was new in my faith. I didn’t have a firm foundation on which to stand, so it took me a lot longer to not only get back on my feet but to feel steady. My current identity crisis isn’t as scary or as world-upending because I have God as my foundation. Don’t get me wrong, I still waver at times. I don’t offer up a traditional answer when people ask me what’s next in my life. I might sway just a little bit, but I never stumble.

You don’t have to be struggling with being a stay-at-home mom to relate. We all experience identity crises throughout our lives. We will continue to do so until we finally and truly identify first and foremost as a child of God. Once that is our solid foundation, we might experience a few cracks, but we will never break.

Jess Gilardi was a mental health therapist in the school system before becoming the full-time chaos coordinator for her family (aka stay-at-home mom). She and her husband have three young kids. Jess started writing in hopes that by sharing her stories and lessons learned, she can help others learn “the easy way.”

Photograph © Silvia Trigo, used with permission