Vulnerability: The “It” Factor

Our family likes to watch talent shows (mostly for the singers)—American Idol, America’s Got Talent, and The Voice. My husband calls himself a talent junkie. He’ll put on one of the shows, and I’ll eventually creep in to join him. Sometimes the best part is the judges’ reactions, particularly when you can tell they’ve just been blown away by a performance. Sometimes a singer has a lot of talent, but she’s just “not there” yet.

The “it factor” is missing—not enough emotion in her voice or face—or something overall is just lacking. Sometimes I can’t even put my finger on it. It just didn’t touch me enough to make me want to see that person perform again. I guess you could say I’m looking for a raw, moving, perhaps even voice-cracking performance that brings me to tears (or goosebumps). I want to connect.

I feel like, as humans, we’re craving something more than just great singing. We want authenticity and vulnerability. We sit and wait on our couches for the contestant who will win us over with the whole package. We not only fall in love with his music, but we also fall in love with him as a person.

Maybe life, in general, is like this? If you show me who you really are, I’m going to feel more connected to you. I’m going to feel like I can be myself around you. I believe this is how best friends, marriages, and strong communities, including churches, are made.

But we’ve got to get vulnerable. And that’s scary.

Bestselling author and researcher Brené Brown has a lot to say about vulnerability. It turned her world upside down when she started studying how powerful being vulnerable can be. She defines “conscious vulnerability” as “a vulnerability you choose to lean into. When you get serious about taking a personal, professional, or social risk, you open yourself up to being hurt (laughed at, ridiculed, teased, or embarrassed).”

Who wants to get hurt? So we steer clear of being too vulnerable. We run from risk. We stay in our safe bubbles.

But secretly, we’re wanting to bust out. To run—fearlessly—into the world!

As I reflect on my life and think about times when I put my fear aside and let myself be vulnerable, I’m reminded of a time in my early thirties when I was asked to do a mime as part of our church’s dance ministry. I had no previous mime or dance experience, but the person asking me believed in me for some crazy reason. And something inside me said I needed to do it. I needed to get outside of myself, be courageous, and just do this. So, I did. And I loved it! I performed the mime on a few different occasions, to the song “Freedom” by Jason Upton. I’m actually getting teary-eyed as I write this because I don’t think I’ve done something so far out of my comfort zone since then (and that was seventeen years ago!).

WHY? Why am I not getting out of my comfort zone? Well, I guess I am, on occasion. But I’d sure like to challenge myself to do it more often.

Motivational speaker and author Tony Robbins said, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Wow. I think he understands a bit about human nature—how we long to be carefree, uninhibited, vulnerable, fearless, authentic, and ultimately change for the better. He also understands the strength of the opposing force—to resist change, to stay in our bubbles, avoid risk.

I challenge myself and those of you reading this today to not wait for the pain of staying the same to become so great that it is wearing on your soul. Do something today that is out of your comfort zone. Even something small is something. And the more little things we do that feel uncomfortable or vulnerable, the more comfortable we become, even with bigger things.

“Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it’s a small price to pay for living a dream.” (Peter McWilliams)

I recently had a children’s picture book published about a little girl worshipping God at the beach. She sings, dances, and drums on her bucket—unrestrained, fearless, and free. She’s having a blissful day at the beach, and we get the feeling she doesn’t care who’s watching.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if more adults could be uninhibited like this? Not only in their worship, but in other areas of life.

So, getting back to that “it factor” I talked about at the beginning. Most of us don’t aspire to be famous performers, but what if we could add a little “it factor” to our own lives?

What if we open up a bit more (raw, moving, voice-cracking emotion is a bonus), allowing people around us to see more of who we really are—our dreams, desires, stories, weaknesses, and strengths? Perhaps we’ll find contentment we’ve never quite had, as well as more authentic connections with other vulnerable people.

Let’s tear down walls together.

Shelley Kinder is a picture book author and stay-at-home mom, living in Indiana with her
family. Her books include: Not So Scary Jerry, The Masterpiece, and God and Me at the Sea. When not writing, Shelley enjoys family time, reading, being artsy, music, sushi, and seventy-degree days. Visit Shelley at www.ShelleyKinder.com.

Photograph © Clay Banks, used with permission