Reflection on a Birthday

“The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are all over His works.” (Ps. 145:9 NKJV)

Forty! Really? I read somewhere that your forties are a unique season wherein you are no longer young but not yet old. I’m finding this a bizarre reality. This birthday milestone gave me a violent push into reminiscing about years past. There are more than a handful of reasons I should not have survived to see this birthday, and there have been many seasons of struggle. But I’ll spare you the novel-length version and just share a few of those reasons.

As a child, I had chronic asthma. The near-death trips to the hospital and complications from pneumonia were constant. I was no stranger to a long hospital stay. There were no rescue inhalers, nebulizers, or even hospitals nearby. Frequent panicked trips to the emergency room filled with the whispers of a Momma’s desperate prayers were normal occurrences for me.

God with Us

If you could die from a broken heart, I would have done so a long time ago.

My baby nephew died at eleven months old due to SIDS. The following year my Dad was taken from this world by a drunk driver, and the next year my oldest sister escaped her pain through suicide. This all occurred before I turned thirteen. It was a dark time for my family, and the only reason we came through it thriving was by God’s hand in our healing.

The God of Comfort

Life with my Mom was both amazing and unpredictable. There were times of lavish living and travel, and there were times when we couldn’t pay the electric bill. We lost all our possessions more times than I can count as we bounced from rental house to rental house in rushed exits. In spite of the struggle and instability, we found a way to have a joyful life, and we muddled our way through the high school years. Shortly after I married, my mother disappeared from our lives. I have not seen her in sixteen years, and she is now officially a missing person. If you could die from a broken heart, I would have.

The God Who Never Leaves

I look back at all these experiences and just remember, “but God!”

In taking an account of my past, I could focus on the loss and the struggle, and grow a seed of bitterness in my soul for what seems like an unfair amount of hurt for one lifespan. I know many who have chosen this route, and all it does is leave them hurting. I prefer to look for the good. I believe that perspective changes everything, and when we look for the good, we tend to find it. So instead, I choose to see the evidence of God’s goodness all over my life. I am so thankful for his faithfulness to be with us, to comfort us, and never leave us. His love grew in me what is now a deeply rooted seed of joy (rather than a rooted seed of bitterness) that can never be uprooted. He has brought so much blessing to my life. Whatever you are facing, I know he is a good father, and there are better days ahead.

There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for. I think celebrating a birthday should include embracing past challenges and rejoicing in a life well-lived through it all. I have numerous reasons to celebrate. I will embrace this birthday, surrounded by my family, and with so much joy and thankfulness that this once broken heart could burst.

Lord, Thank you that you are near to the brokenhearted and that you never leave us or forsake us. Please help us see the good and look to your blessings when we feel there are none. Please help us to lean into you for strength and healing in hard times, and let us feel your comfort and joy as you draw near to us. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Stephanee Howell spends her days mostly as caregiver, teacher, and referee to her three children. She writes for her own personal therapy and for the love of writing. Her favorite hobby is crocheting with friends. Her mission is to point them to a relationship with God, as well as to know and make him known. Her fuel comes from the Holy Spirit, a deep love of family, and numerous cups of coffee a day. Reminding herself that stress is not a fruit of the spirit, she depends on positive perspective, patience, and enjoying the moment.

Photograph © Jonathan Borba, used with permission