Parenting Strong Girls
My girls are sixteen and fourteen, so we still have a little time before they launch into the world on their own. My goal is that they will be confident in their worth and in their identity in Christ. I have been grateful for the parents who have shared their wisdom along the way, helping us move toward this goal, and I’d like to share some of my learnings with you.
Balance the Roles of Parent and Friend
I have a close friendship with both of my girls, but I am their parent first. They know their phones belong to me and my husband, and they know we can check them at any time. I have software that alerts me to dangerous behavior on their phones. I put reminders on my calendar to do periodic checks to be sure they are using their technology safely.
At one point, we had changed phones, and I hadn’t gotten the safety software corrected on one of the girls’ phones. I just forgot about it and was lazy about fixing it. I let it go that way for months, and that’s when the enemy attacked. My daughter got curious and began looking at inappropriate sites. She felt immense shame when I finally discovered it. I reminded her how loved and safe she is in our home, even when she makes mistakes. I also shared with her how sad I was that her mind had been filled with such ugly things. We prayed together and had many conversations during that time, but I’m glad to say it hasn’t happened again. I had to work through shame of my own for allowing it to happen.
Delay Social Media as Long as Possible
Neither of my girls is on social media yet. There are many studies about how harmful social media is to a teenage brain. They are already comparing themselves to each other and trying to figure out their worth and identity. Kids can be mean in person, but they can be vicious on social media. The veil of anonymity can allow for hurts that last for months and even years.
So far, my girls have been successful in communicating with their friends via group texts. In-person conversation is also a beautiful thing that has become stifled by our battle with COVID. I noticed recently that one of my daughters is really hesitant to make a phone call. I pressed in and encouraged it anyway. These are the days when I can coach her on how to communicate clearly and kindly. Communication skills are key, and I think social media can inhibit rather than help them.
Finding Unique Connections
My girls are very different from each other. Ellie is a high-achieving rule-follower who loves to sing. She is a saver and got a job at fourteen so she could save up to help us with her first car. She is emotionally steady, and she has a small group of good friends. Her love language is quality time. Emma is a free spirit. She is sassy and funny and very into fashion. She is a deeper feeler and less emotionally balanced than her sister. She has a large group of friends with whom she hangs out regularly. Her love language is words of affirmation. I could parent my daughters the same, but that would be a mistake.
I spend significant time with Ellie. We have a few shows we watch together, and we pause them and talk about the issues that come up in them regularly. “Let’s talk about why that relationship failed.” Or, “How would you have handled that situation differently, particularly based on your relationship with Christ?”
With Emma, I lean into her need for words of affirmation. I try to verbally affirm her regularly. I have also learned kinder and gentler ways to respond when her emotions run high. She also loves alone time with me, so we take walks together during which she talks about her day, what is going on with school, and her relationship with Jesus.
Check in on Their Mental Health
This one is so important. Girls in our culture can slip into dangerous thoughts so easily. I’m sure I don’t do it often enough, but I try to ask regularly how they’re feeling about themselves, how their walk with Jesus is going, and what is going on in their relationships with friends.
If you are raising your children in a Jesus-centered home, have you made sure they know that questions and doubts are safe? We thought we had, but we learned we hadn’t done it enough. One of our girls spiraled into a bit of a faith crisis a couple of years ago. She was questioning the meaning of life and whether God was truly real. She needed to hear from us that those questions are safe in our home.
I have learned that the most important messages need to be repeated. I’d rather be the recipient of an eye roll or “MOM, you already told me that!” than risk them forgetting how safe, valued, and loved they are.
Don’t Fear the Hard Things
It’s so important that we create a safe space for our kids to talk about all the things. Both of my girls get embarrassed if I venture into the topic of sex. I’d encourage us all to push past the discomfort. You want them to see YOU as the place where they can talk about anything.
This means not judging them if they have perspectives different from yours. We can always point them back to the Bible and hope that they stay grounded there. But even if they don’t, loving them where they are and praying for a change of heart is far better than berating them.
If they don’t feel comfortable talking to us about the hard things, who knows where they will get information from or how grounded it will be in truth.
It sends me into a bit of a panic to think about launching my oldest in a mere two years. That’s the trouble with raising strong, independent, well-rounded children—they eventually go off and become strong, independent well-rounded adults (we hope)! I still have much yet to learn about parenting teenagers, but I’m finding my way. If you’re parenting a teen, I hope you will as well.
is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversations with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and hosting others in her home.
Photograph © Gugus Gugus, used with permission
