It's OK Not to Be Mom of the Year

Many years ago, I was speaking on stage at a large leadership meeting for a few thousand people. Afterward, the host of the meeting asked if a few of the other speakers and I could serve as an expert panel and answer questions from the audience. About halfway through, a woman from the audience stood up. She explained how she felt like she was running around like crazy all the time. “How do you balance it all?” she asked. “I have three kids and don’t know how to fit it all in.”

One of the other women on the panel answered first. She’s a hard worker, a mom, and someone I genuinely respect. I was surprised at her response.

“It’s total chaos all the time, but you just have to make it happen,” she said. “I’m running around like crazy, trying to find a clean baby bottle and grab something to eat. Get less sleep if you have to. It sucks right now. I never have time for myself, but that’s OK. I’m always stressed, but it’s worth it.”

I don’t think it was the answer this poor lady wanted to hear.

I was shocked, so I jumped in.

“I personally don’t like chaos, and when I’m a stressed-out mess, I’m not effective as a leader or as a mom,” I answered. I went on to give her practical advice to help her gain some stability and structure to her daily routine.

No one wants to feel overstretched, exasperated, and stressed all the time. That other female speaker who had given the first answer found herself sick a few years later because of stress and not taking good care of herself. She even stepped away from her business for a little while because of burnout. I want to help you avoid this happening to you.

What was the advice I gave to that mom entrepreneur about balance? Before I answer that, let me just say I’m probably the busiest person I know. I’m up by 7:00 a.m. every day, usually earlier. My high schooler attends a church class before school, so sometimes I’m up way earlier to make sure she is ready to go. The morning is nuts getting four kids ready for school and out the door on time with lunches and teeth brushed. I try to get in a workout daily, so I have to carve out time for that, usually in the morning. I have calls to return, appointments to do, clients to see, and meetings to run. There are after-school pickups, sports practices, grocery shopping, church youth activities, and the “Mom, can my friends come over?” happening daily.

Sometimes there will be two or even three kids’ sports events going on at the same time in different parts of town. That’s always fun. Then there is also the occasional birthday party, drivers ed training, parent-teacher conference, pediatrician check-up, piano recital, band performance, and Pinewood Derby, most of which usually require me to bring something like a present, an activity, or a treat. Of course, I have the desire to do daily scripture study, personal development reading, and self-care. How about finding the time to get a haircut or maybe your nails done once in a while, not to mention trying to schedule a personal doctor’s appointment. This would be hard for anyone to make happen. This crazy schedule is a lot for a stay-at-home mom to juggle, let alone someone running a company with thousands of associates needing my attention as well.

Let me explain how it all gets done. First of all, it doesn’t always all get done, and that’s OK. I drop the ball sometimes too. A couple of years ago, when Benny was in preschool, it was a particularly crazy morning. I got the big kids dropped off right before the bell rang.

Benny had dressed himself because I was too busy making lunches last minute. We rushed out the door as I noticed he was wearing a Flash (the superhero) costume and his big brother’s cowboy boots. His hair was total bedhead, and he had the biggest smile across his face. He looked awesome. It was either go back inside and change, which would make everyone late for school— the big boys would not be happy with a tardy that wasn’t their fault—or just let him go to school like that. It was only preschool, so I thought, What the heck, his shoes are too big, but it won’t hurt anything. All the other kids were already in the class as we walked up the path to his school.

As we approached the front door Benny said, “Mommy, I’m so excited it’s Picture Day today.”

“No, it’s not,” I said quickly. When I got in the class and was signing him in, I asked the teacher if it was, in fact, Picture Day. Sure was! I don’t remember getting an email on this, I thought. I started getting mad at the teacher, as if this was somehow her fault and not mine.

We rushed home, and I changed his clothes as fast as I could, combed his hair as best I could, and rushed back right in time for him to make his class picture. His still messy hair and wrinkled shirt were way better than cowboy Flash. Wow! Good job, Supermom! Stuff like this has happened to us all. The key is to just laugh when it happens. Something like this happened when Daisy was little too. I forgot that it was “Show and Tell” day at school. I dropped her off without something to show. Man, did I beat myself up about that. I remember how bad I felt when I walked back to the car, thinking I was the worst mom in the world. As if forgetting to bring a stuffed animal to kindergarten was going to ruin my kid forever. First-child drama! Now, I know it’s not a bad mom thing; it’s a human being thing. Cut yourself some slack.

More recently, I showed up to a birthday party for a five-year-old girl named Sofia. We brought the cutest little sparkly unicorn backpack as a gift. When Benny and I arrived, he ran quickly to the superhero bounce house and started playing with his friends. I put the gift on the table and started talking with the other parents. It didn’t take me long to realize that the birthday party was for a completely different friend named Dylan, and he wasn’t into pink unicorns. How the heck did I screw that up? I had to run a quick covert operation and have Shawn run by the store to pick up a new gift, wrap it, and drop it off to me at the park before it was time to open gifts. As slick as possible, I walked by the gift table and grabbed my pretty present with the shiny, pink bow. Hoping none of the other parents noticed, I slid it under my shirt and walked it casually to my car. And the Mom of the Year goes to . . . . not me! Again, I just have to laugh, not stress.

It’s OK to make mistakes; we are all human. It’s also OK not to do it all. You don’t have to always bake the cookies yourself. Cookies from the grocery store’s bakery are an easy solution when you have too much on your plate. You can also ask for help. Make a list of all the family and friends who love you and love your kids. Maybe a parent, a best friend, or relative can help with drop-offs or carpool. Maybe you can ask your sister to pick up that birthday gift for you since she is making a Target run. Maybe there is a friend in the neighborhood who has kids around your kids’ age with whom you can make a deal. She watches your kids while you do some business errands, and you can watch her kids when she has to take her mom to the doctor.

Get creative and resourceful, and most importantly, learn to have a sense of humor when you completely drop the ball. You may have many roles. Some are more important than others.

Excerpt pulled with permission from Happy & Strong, Forefront Books.

Jaime Villalovos grew up in rural Montana, the oldest of six kids. After she graduated high school, she moved to California, where she met her husband, Shawn. Together, they became successful entrepreneurs and she was a seven-figure earner before the age of 30. They are active philanthropists, serving on the board of the All For One foundation, as well as antibullying and children’s wellness organizations. They are also very active in their community. Their passion is to help people reach their biggest goals while finding true happiness. They currently live in Southern California with their four children. Jaime loves reading, working out, and traveling the world on fun adventures with her family. The Happy & Strong mission is to touch 100 million lives through the education, philanthropy, and leadership efforts of Jaime and Shawn’s team.