Don’t Say “I’m Worried About You”
Do you remember the last time you said to someone, “I’m worried about you”? How did they respond? How did they look?
What about the last time someone else said these words to you? How did you feel? What was your gut-level response?
When a family member said this to me recently, it made me pause. My initial gut response was one of stress. She was worried about me? Why? What appeared to be wrong in my life? How could I reassure her that there was nothing to worry about?
Then I stopped and took stock.
There was nothing going wrong in my life. But even if there had been, I didn’t need to take on responsibility for her worry.
It made me think more deeply about the words, “I’m worried about you”—when we tend to use them, what we think they will communicate, how we think they will make a person feel.
It’s likely that most of us innocently believe—or tell ourselves, anyway—that communicating worry communicates care. But does it really? Or does it put the onus on the object of our worry to reassure us, to placate us, to give us something we want from them?
Words for the Worried-About
Think back to the last person who told you they were worried about you. Did they want you to somehow change? To take a different path? Make different choices? Did you feel manipulated or cornered, even if it was just a deep-down feeling? Did you feel pressured, like you needed to somehow defend yourself or convince them that they didn’t need to worry about you? Did their worry add stress in any way?
Allow me to free you. You are not responsible for anyone else’s expressions of worry, even if they claim to be or actually are worried about you. You can set an emotional boundary and say, “I hear you saying you’re worried about me, but I’m doing okay/figuring things out,” and refuse to engage any further. You can say this even if you’re not totally fine. You don’t have to help the person resolve their worries. This might sound unkind on the surface, but it’s a stance that allows you to honor yourself. It’s good self-care.
Words for the Worried
When you tell someone you are worried about them, what are you hoping to receive in return?
Communicating worry can be the equivalent of handing another person a burden—the burden of your feelings, which belong only to you. And let’s be blunt here: if the person to whom you are saying, “I’m worried about you” is in a situation that truly warrants worry, it’s likely they don’t need your feelings or worry and the implied plea to assuage those feelings added to whatever else they are already carrying.
Is it possible that saying, “I’m worried about you” is a selfish act? I think it might be. I think it’s worth a second round of consideration before we speak the words.
Better alternatives might be, “I love you,” or “I care about you,” or “I support you,” or “I’m here for you if you need me.” Or, you can just encourage conversation by asking how the other person is doing. Show interest in their life without expressing your own feelings. Simply show up, and then listen if they want to share. These words and actions are offerings. They don’t ask for anything in return. They don’t put the focus on how you feel—they put the focus on the person you claim to be worried about.
Whether you are more often the worried or the worried-about, it’s worth considering the power of the words, “I’m worried about you,” and how we both use and receive them. It’s likely there’s a better way.
has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past twelve years in the publishing industry. A writer herself in the fringe hours of her working-and-homeschooling mom life, Harmony has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. She is the owner of The Glorious Table and cohost and producer at The Relatable Homeschoolers podcast. Harmony lives in Michigan with her husband and two daughters. You can find her at HarmonyHarkema.com and on Instagram @harmonyharkema.
Photograph © Priscilla Du Preez, used with permission
