The "Mean Kid": Looking Beyond Behavior

My son was expelled from preschool. Maybe that sounds shocking—it was to me! But apparently it happens over fifty thousand times every year.^[1] I’m sure this leads to a lot of hurt, frustration, and shame. While I’m sure there is no easy solution, I’m convinced that one of the best ways to learn and grow is to tell our stories and listen to those of others, which is why I share this fragment of mine.

There’s a popular meme that states:

“Let your child be the weird kid. Let them be the funny kid, the quiet kid, the smart kid, the athletic kid, the theater kid, the numbers kid, the teacher’s pet, the chatterbox, the valedictorian, the middle of the pack, the ‘barely made it’ kid. Just don’t let them be the mean kid.”

I’ve cried over this meme and others like it. The hard truth is that my kid is the mean kid, the bully. While I certainly don’t think we should “let” our kids be mean, sometimes they just are. And there is usually a lot more going on in their hearts, heads, and homes than we understand. Often, they need more love and grace than they’re given. I admit, I have more questions than answers. I’m not a psychiatrist, social worker, teacher, therapist, or anyone with expertise in this area (though they’re all an important part of our support team now!). All I can do is reveal the rawness of my heart, exposing my lone piece of the puzzle I can’t fully see.

It is critical not to allow unhealthy and unsafe behavior. The health and safety of every child is important. But I think we can do a better job of talking to and about “problem” children–and looking beyond behavior to what lies beneath. I sure hope fewer of them are kicked out of school! Every child and adult needs to remember that we all make mistakes (Rom. 3:23), and we adults need to dig deeper, be curious, and seek out support systems for ourselves and the children we see who struggle. We need to set up systems where they can thrive, not be cast to the corner or thrown aside.

If we, as adults, are able to see beyond behavior, that can help transform how we talk about it with our kids. While there are probably thousands of books about standing up to bullying (very important, of course!), I couldn’t find a single one that would help tell other preschoolers why, perhaps (as if I totally understand myself), my son hits or is aggressive sometimes. I hope we will try to explain to children of all ages that some people struggle with sensory processing or impulse control or any number of things—not everyone’s brain is the same.

Since getting kicked out, my son has had many supportive teachers and directors at other schools. While some days we all throw up our hands, clueless as to what to try next, they have been compassionate and creative, always trying to come up with new structures and tools for kids who don’t fit the mold. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy, but knowing I have people fighting for my kid instead of against him has been a life-giving breath of fresh air, a buoy when I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m also grateful for the many tools and resources we’ve had access to: therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, and on and on. I know not everyone does. So be kind to the parent you see at the store whose child thinks that the donuts having red sprinkles instead of green ones is worth having his tenth all-out tantrum of the day. Be curious about the kid who thinks the playground is a WWE ring. And seek to help (or at least be kind to) the punch-throwers, because bullies need love too.

I want to live in a world where no child is hurt or bullied. But while we continue to stand up to bullying, I hope we also grow to see that a child’s behavior might have an explanation other than “they’re the mean kid.”

Note: If you work with children, I highly recommend reading Beyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke for some practical steps to take.

^[1] https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/50-000-preschoolers-are-suspended-each-year-can-mental-health-n962691; https://www.americanprogress.org/article/new-data-reveal-250-preschoolers-suspended-expelled-every-day/