How to Recognize a High-Control Church

“A church that follows her Head, the Good and Great Shepherd, is a refuge for the flock, a place of green pastures and clear waters, a place of restoration for wounded sheep and most certainly, a place that fights off the wolves.” ~Diane Langberg

Many churches seem similar on the surface because they share common rituals: praying, singing, preaching, baptizing. And many people think of churches as safe places to be in community. But what about churches that aren’t safe? Are there faith communities that appear healthy because of their worship practices but are actually places of harm and control?

I truly wish all churches and religious organizations were safe places for community and sharing, for connection and support. Our spirituality is a deeply personal aspect of our lives, and the places where we practice our religion should take any abuse of its members seriously.

When I was a child, I was a member of a church that had all the traditional trappings. We were part of a Protestant denomination with at least the appearance of an accountability structure. Yet many of us who no longer attend there now call the church a cult because of its authoritarian, high-control environment.

No one wants to think they would join a cult or a high-control church, yet it’s not always easy to spot one, especially if we haven’t had any previous experience. Authoritarian groups are often skilled at appearing benign, hiding their darker side until you are invested and less likely to leave.

Even though it might appear healthy on the exterior, a high-control church is abusive and manipulative, taking advantage of its members’ desire for connection with God.

Cult expert Steve Hassan has developed a method of determining if a group is authoritarian or high-control. It’s called the BITE model: Behavior control, Information control, Thought control, Emotion control. The following four paragraphs are summarized from his chart.

Behavior control is when a church discourages individuality and promotes group conformity through certain behaviors. There is a broad spectrum of extremity here, but some common controlled behaviors might include clothing, food, entertainment, and sexuality.

Information control is when a church dictates which information members receive from the outside world. This could include restricting access to the internet or other forms of communication and pushing propaganda or only group-approved resources.

Thought control is more complicated to explain and a more sinister aspect of authoritarian religion. It’s when the group mentality gets into an individual’s thought life, until they can’t separate their own thinking and desires from those of the group. The group does this by encouraging black-and-white thinking, creating an us-versus-them illusion, and discouraging critical thinking.

Emotion control in high-control churches happens when some emotions are labeled bad, such as doubt and anger, while others are prioritized, such as fear and guilt. Someone might experience a cycle of emotional abuse in which sometimes they receive love and at other times are punished, confusing them and keeping them under the control of the group.

All of these aspects of control were happening at my church as a kid. I didn’t know any better, and they seemed normal to me. Any questions I did have were dismissed with rote answers that didn’t ease my doubts but kept me thinking that something must be wrong with me since I didn’t “get it.” It wasn’t until I grew older that I realized how devastating the impact was as I struggled to learn how to think for myself and heal from the abuse I had experienced.

Sometimes it’s easy to point out the extremes in other churches, but it’s important to consider how subtle this manipulation can be, sometimes showing up in the churches we might think are benign. For instance, do you feel like you need to dress a certain way for church in order to please the group or avoid negative comments? Do you feel like you are not allowed to watch certain movies or listen to certain music because the group/leader says you shouldn’t? Does your pastor call those outside your church “them,” as if you are part of the accepted “us”? Does your church shut down questions or complex thinking? Do sermons focus on fear and guilt rather than love?

If you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, then there may be some spiritually abusive practices happening in your church. It isn’t easy to face that reality, but it’s important to acknowledge it so that you can move forward in wisdom as you decide how to handle it.

Maybe you try to make changes where you can. Maybe you move on from that church. That’s up to you, but I hope you feel empowered to make decisions for yourself that don’t depend on the group’s acceptance of you. You matter, and your spiritual health and autonomy matter, too.

Cait West is a writer, reader, and publishing professional who lives with her husband in Grand Rapids, Michigan. After leaving the stay-at-home-daughter movement, she started over by studying creative writing at Michigan State University, working in education and literacy, and eventually finding her way to an editorial position in book publishing. Find her at caitwest.com and on Instagram and Twitter at @caitwestwrites.