An Unchecked Heart

“Andi”—pregnant pause—“that was a major betrayal of you and Paul.” Those words hit deep.

I had been in EMT mode, taking care of everyone else at the scene of the figurative crash site, until my therapist said those words: a major betrayal. They cut past my semi hardened flesh and nicked a part of my heart that I had unconsciously been protecting by “doing the right things” to get through, be okay, and care for everyone else who had been touched by the ripple effect of this particular betrayal. My husband and I were at ground zero, trying to pick up the pieces and put together a game plan to clear away the rubble, heal, and rebuild. Trust had been broken, and I realized as we walked through this situation together that survival mode can be helpful to function, but it’s not a sustainable way to live. The truth is, I knew that the grief and pain were being held at bay right there under the surface; the dam just hadn’t burst yet. I know that when I begin to feel numb, I’m going to get hit with a surge of grief and anger at some stage—possibly rage and waves of uncontained, unpredictable emotions—I just don’t know when, where, or how it will all come out. And listen, if you’re near me when it does, brace yourself. But as my therapist said those words, it felt like a small crack in the dam increased. I became more aware of the pain of betrayal. I had felt like that’s what it was—betrayal—but hadn’t really said it as bluntly and truthfully as those stark words: a major betrayal.

I have an aversion to rejection and betrayal, and I’d go so far as to say you do too. I’m pretty sure that my prayer right after this particular session with my therapist sounded something like, “But, Lord, I don’t want to walk through the grief and pain and the potential mess of rebuilding a relationship after a betrayal. I mean, I do, but also I don’t.” Unfortunately, this was not my first rodeo with betrayal, so I knew the road ahead of me was long and unmapped because imperfect humans with free will were involved, as always.

Navigating the waters of betrayal is tantamount to navigating the waters of a ferocious storm. Even though you’ve probably done it before, the new storm brings new waves and uncharted territory to navigate because the sea is wild and untamed. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” But what if I don’t want to be a sailor? What if I don’t want the storm? I mean, the thing that sucks about a storm is that you can’t control its course and you didn’t ask for it to come; it just does. You have to go into a certain mode to survive, but then after the storm passes and you make it out alive, you have to process the trauma of sailing those seas when you didn’t ask to sail them—when it wasn’t in the plan. But you can come out stronger if you choose to.

So, let’s navigate betrayal together, shall we? And not just from the perspective of the one being betrayed, but also from the view of the betrayer. First, we all must start with the state of our own heart.

King David or Judas?

Now, before we all start making a list of the Judases in our lives, let’s remember that we have possibly been (and probably are) a Judas to someone else. (Judas was one of the twelve disciples, and he ultimately betrayed Jesus unto His death after three years of walking in close fellowship with Him.) It is highly plausible that we were invited into someone else’s life and became the root cause of their pain. That is a hard truth to face, especially because we can’t control the outcome of what happens to that relationship when pain and the free will of two people are at play. We can’t force them to forgive us or invite us back in. Relational mess simply reinforces the fact that we are human and deeply in need of Jesus and His saving grace on a daily basis. Let’s all just remember when we point the finger at someone else, we always have three fingers pointing back at our own heart.

I’m going to start with the premise that an unchecked heart is a dangerous heart. Yours and theirs. The betrayed and betrayer— whichever side of the fence you find yourself on. To forgive a betrayer in your life, you have to have a contrite, tender, repentant heart first. You have to take care of your side of the fence, or the “log in your eye,” if you will, before you can remove the speck in someone else’s eye. If you have left your heart unchecked for too long, it’s possible that bitterness, judgment, pride, and entitlement are lingering somewhere in there. It’s possible you’ve gotten to a place where you believe that when you are hurt or betrayed by someone, you are justified in punishing them and making them pay for their sin toward you. Pride blinds us to our own sin.

Psalm 51 is paramount in understanding contrition, which is simply operating from a space of having a tender, repentant heart before God for your sin. In a moment, we’ll see that Psalm 51 is King David’s response to God after being called out for his sin and ultimate betrayal of a fellow warrior, neighbor, and friend.

In 2 Samuel 11, David had committed the egregious acts of adultery and murder. He had hoped he could cover up his sin of adultery with Bathsheba by putting Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba, on the front line of a losing battle where David knew Uriah would die. Bathsheba was now pregnant with David’s child from the affair, and she had not slept with her husband in the window of time when she would have conceived. Uriah would’ve known she was an adulterer, and it probably would have brought her to an untimely death by stoning, according to the Law. David’s sin created a ripple effect that was unstoppable. Left unchecked, sin makes a bigger and bigger mess until it comes out.

Excerpted from Friendship–It’s Complicated by Andi Andrew (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2021). Used by permission.

Andi Andrew is the author of She Is Free, Fake or Follower, and her newest book, Friendship–It’s Complicated. She is also the founding Pastor of Liberty Church, a multisite church she pioneered with her husband Paul in 2010. In 2015 she launched She Is Free, a movement that exists to engage and equip women to encounter God and expand the Kingdom. Currently, Andi’s life is focused on raising her four kids in Brooklyn, writing books, creating for her TV show and podcast Coffee With Andi, building Liberty Church, and traveling to invest in churches and lives all around the world.

Photograph © Nikita Turkovich, used with permission