Fighting Shame in Community

A few years ago, I applied for a job that I was completely qualified for. I interviewed well and felt like I had gotten the job. Then I got the rejection, the thanks-but-no-thanks phone call that kindly but firmly told me that they didn’t want me. That rejection from a job I knew I could do well stung hard. Then shame began to take over.

My best friend recognized this hostile shame takeover for the lie that it was. She spoke truth to me. She held up a mirror and reflected back to me the things I knew to be true, but that shame had clouded over.

She is the reason I shared my shame. She was a safe person to confess how badly I felt about that rejection. My best friend listened with compassion, and she loved me enough to tell me that my feelings of shame were false.

This is why God placed us in community. From the garden of Eden, where God declared that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, God has placed us and called us to community. Shame cannot survive in a loving, supportive community.

The disciple James talks about the importance of sharing our lives with one another. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it – not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it – they will be blessed in what they do.” (James 1:22-25, NIV)

This world can be a hard and harsh place. We need a supportive and loving community around us to hold up the mirrors to see who we are and who God says we are.

How do we become that kind of community?

By bending into what Jesus modeled for the disciples, what he modeled for us.

When we look at Jesus’ life and ministry, we rarely see him alone. Most often, we find him in community with others. We see him talking with, listening to, eating with, laughing with, walking with others. We see Jesus loving others, healing them by reflecting God’s goodness in them back to them. Jesus was the mirror that God used to reflect his goodness.

He still does.

When Jesus tells the disciples, “feed my sheep, take care of my lambs,” he is telling us to care for each other, to be the mirror for each other. When Jesus sends out the disciples, he sends them in pairs (in community!) and tells them, “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” (Matthew 20:14 NIV) He warns the disciples and us that not everyone is safe. Not everyone will reflect God’s goodness in us.

What does it mean to be a safe person?

The New Testament contains many characteristics of a safe person:

• Love (John 13:34, 1 Peter 1:22, 1 John 3:11, 2 John 1:5)
• Speak the truth (Ephesians 4:25, Colossians 3:8-9)
• Do not slander (James 4:11)
• Serve (Galatians 5:13, 1 Peter 4:10)
• Offer hospitality (Romans 12:13, Hebrews 13:1-2, 1 Peter 4:9)
• Don’t grumble (James 5:9)
• Confess sins (James 5:16)
• Encourage (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 3:13, 10:25)
• Be humble (1 Peter 5:5)
• No judgment (Romans 14:13)
• Accept (Romans 15:7)
• Comfort (1 Thessalonians 4:18, 5:14)
• Be compassionate and kind (Ephesians 4:32)

This list is our guide to holding that mirror up for one another. When shame threatens to overtake you, look into the mirror held by a Christ-loving community and see God’s goodness shining back at you. You are marvelous and God loves you so very much.

In the Psalms it is written, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV)

Rest in the promise of God’s goodness in you and hold the mirror for another fighting shame who needs to see God’s goodness in them. That’s how we strengthen our community.

Annie Carlson is rooted like a turnip to the plains of North Dakota where she raises great food, large numbers of farm animals, and three free-range kids with her husband. You can find her with either a book or knitting needles in her hands as she dreams up her next adventure.

Photograph © Andra C. Taylor Jr., used with permission