Parenting Teens with the End in Mind

I am the proud mom of three kids: two girls aged fifteen and thirteen, and one nine-year-old boy. I always dreamt of becoming a mom and am grateful God entrusted these three to me and my husband. While this post will explore some of my learnings about parenting teens, I fully acknowledge how early it is in the process for me and that many hard parts could still be coming.

Some Encouragement to Moms of Younger Children

 Before I dive into my learnings, I wanted to start with some encouragement if your kids aren’t teens yet. The early days are both sweet and hard. There is such a huge dependence on parents when kids are little, and it can be overwhelming to see to your own needs plus every need of your children.

Around the time my son turned five, I started telling friends we were in “parenting utopia.” Everyone could pee and get a drink of water by themselves, but no one was in scary teenage land yet, either. They could all have rational conversations, and they were mostly fun to be with!

So, to you mommas who are still in the middle of diapers and nursing and oh-so-many snacks: take heart. In my experience, all that work really does pay off. There is a lot of enjoyment in the next phase.

Understanding Personalities

God made us to be unique individuals with specific personality traits. As your children develop their own personalities, it can be really helpful to take some time to evaluate their strengths and challenges.

Some of you may be into the Enneagram, and some may use other personality assessments such as Meyers-Briggs. I also think assessing my kids’ love languages is helpful. I am an Enneagram 1 and an INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs. My love languages are acts of service and quality time.

My eldest is similar to me in many ways. Her love languages are quality time and words of affirmation. She is mostly confident in who she is, and she is solidly grounded in her morals. She will ask her friends not to speak in certain ways when she’s present. She is a perfectionist to the point of putting pressure on herself to do well academically. While she does experience normal emotions, she is fairly evenly keeled.

My middle daughter is a funny, happy, and sassy girl. She aims to please and despises getting in trouble. She loves animals and kids of all ages, and they love hanging around her, too. I have observed that she lives much of her life in the extremes. She can be happy to the point of being cheesy, or a very small mishap can send her into a fit of tears. Her love language is words of affirmation.

Perhaps an obvious learning is that we cannot parent unique children exactly the same way. We strive for an overall sense of fairness in our home, but we do not treat each child the same. With my older daughter, I make an effort to have focused time with her to connect and talk. With my middle daughter, I focus more on verbal encouragement and reminding her who she is and how I see her.

Parenting Teens with a Gospel Lens

 One of the most formative pieces of my faith journey was my youth group. My parents did a great job in pointing me to Jesus, but there came a time where I needed other adults I trusted to point with them. My husband and I just closed our church plant in December. There were multiple reasons for the closure, but a significant one was that we were too small to have an effective youth group for the aging children in our church community.

While it doesn’t have to be a youth group, I do believe our teenagers need non-parental influences pointing them to Jesus. I’d encourage you to seek these out for your children. Find other adults you trust who will invest time in your teens pointing them to Jesus. I had a good friend offer to do some mentoring with my oldest daughter last year, and it was so meaningful both to me and to my daughter.

Communicating Creatively

Another area I have focused on is getting creative in how I communicate with my children. We talk in person regularly, and I ask questions. My oldest is open and will talk freely. My middle daughter struggles a little more to share her heart. I have learned that it is sometimes better for her to write down her thoughts —in a Google sheet, for instance—and I can read and respond to her that way and tell her how I’m praying for her. She can be more private in writing, so it’s a more effective way to get to her heart.

It is key to have important conversations regularly and often. The conversations that feel scary to you might be the ones you just want to have once and be done. But your children may not remember the conversation when they need it most if you only have it once. I try o lean into the challenging topics (think sex, porn, drugs, sexuality) regularly and often. If they know I’m willing to talk about it, it encourages them to do so as well.

Our children have all made the choice to follow Christ, for which I am eternally grateful. We thought they all understood that any doubts or questions were welcome, but we learned last year with my oldest that she wasn’t sure there was safety in her doubts. When we learned of her struggles, we were quick to reassure her that all questions are safe in our house. I would encourage all of us to allow our kids to struggle and come to their own conclusions. We can point them to the Bible and to Jesus, but they must find him on their own.

Parenting teens is an adventure. Personally, I can’t wait to see what else God teaches us as we get closer to launching our children out into the world. I pray some of my learnings are an encouragement to you in your parenting journey.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversations with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and hosting others in her home.

Photograph © Aedrian, used with permission