How to Spot an Ungodly Man: Avoiding Abuse
Trigger warning: Victims of dating-related or marital abuse may find this content difficult. Please be gentle with yourself.
Wise choices will watch over you.
Understanding will keep you safe.
(Proverbs 2:11 NLT)
This isn’t your typical feel-good article. It’s not warm and fuzzy; it’s more like an itchy wool blanket. Yet it’s a long-overdue conversation if you haven’t had it.
God designed us for relationship, intimacy, and connection. We long for these things. And in our pursuit of them, we tend to assume other people are basically good–that they want the same things we do. But what if that’s not the case? As adult women, we want to be informed–not just for ourselves, but for our daughters, mothers, and friends–as we talk about and engage in dating relationships.
Dating is hard at any age. There are loads of books on dating and each has an opinion on who and how to date, what to do and what not to do. There are options that include hiring a dating coach, winging it, or reading books to help you navigate the world of dating.
Let’s chat about character and the qualities we might find desirable in a man. Is he funny, a good listener, easy on the eyes, kind, charming, vulnerable, genuine, and most of all, does he know Jesus? What you may not know is that abusers/predators seem to have all those same qualities.
So how do we tell if the man we’re dating is truly who he says he is?
Scripture can help us identify evil because it reveals truth. In Matthew 10:16, Jesus tells us to be “shrewd as serpents.” Shrewd means to use clever discerning, awareness, and hard-headed acumen (keen insight) in order to see the predator behind the man.
The statistics for relational abuse begin at age fifteen. Fifteen! One in four women are in or have been in an abusive relationship. Note, though, that these numbers are based on reported cases. No one knows how many cases aren’t reported.
Abusers look and sound normal. What you don’t know is that an abuser’s façade is often one of charm, kindness, likeability, fun, good listening skills, and accomplishments. Parents and family may love the abuser.
Most of us don’t look beyond what we see, but Scripture tells us to be wise. Where better to use wisdom than in our dating relationships?
“Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose words are twisted. These men turn from the right way to walk down dark paths. They take pleasure in doing wrong, and they enjoy the twisted ways of evil. Their actions are crooked, and their ways are wrong.” (Proverbs 2:12–15 NLT)
Predators often target girls/women who have firm beliefs about submission, headship, forgiveness, trust, loyalty, second chances, and divorce, to name a few.
Many women think they wouldn’t put up with abuse for five minutes. What we don’t know is that some of us who have been victims of abuse thought the same thing. Predators are also called abusers, narcissists, or bad boys. The Bible calls them fools and has much to say about their behaviors in both the Old and New Testaments.
How can you protect yourself and inform the other women and girls in your life? Through wisdom, paying attention to how you feel when you’re around him and when you’re not with him, listening to his words, and paying attention to his actions.
The anatomy of an abuser: he isolates you, is jealous and controlling, blames others for his actions, experiences mood swings followed by quick apologies, gaslights you, and thinks women are lesser than men. He’s not just a troubled soul; he is deceptive. His desire is to take everything from you, including your identity and dignity. Potential warning signs:
- He may say, “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
- He may say, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
- You tell him everything about yourself: beliefs, boundaries, and non-negotiables. In return, he doesn’t tell you much about himself, or he may share something vulnerable, making you feel sorry for him.
- He may play the victim or the hero.
- He may push your boundaries, then flatter you if you react (referred to as “love bombing”).
- He may sandwich derogatory comments between flattering remarks.
Questions to ask yourself/steps to help you evaluate the relationship:
- How do you feel when you’re with him? Do you feel anxious, like you’re walking around on eggshells?
- How about when you’re not with him? Do you feel relief?
- When you’re not with him, process your conversations. What did he say? How did he say it? How did you feel about what he said?
- Does he seem overly protective or jealous?
- Does he keep you from your friends and family?
- Is he rushing the relationship or pushing you to engage in physical intimacy?
- Are you getting conflicting reports about him? Has someone warned you about him while others tell you what a great guy he is?
- Give your friends and family permission to be honest with you about their perceptions of him.
Lovelies, this is wisdom. Use your discernment, understanding, and sound judgment to determine if he’s the man he says he is.
The good news is that we aren’t on our own. We can talk with the Father. God loves when we ask him for help, so ask him to help you see clearly. Listen to the Holy Spirit (and your gut). But remember, too, that God gives us free will. Don’t ask him to stop you from dating someone if it’s not his will; don’t ask for confirmation that you should end the relationship. Just ask for wisdom and clarity. Why? The enemy is good at giving us “confirmation” when he doesn’t want us to see what he’s doing. Don’t play conditional games, because God doesn’t engage in those.
So, what do you look for in a man? I asked God this same question, and he took me to 1 Samuel 16:17–18:
- He plays well. This goes beyond being fun; it means seeking to do everything with excellence.
- He’s a man of valor. He has honor, integrity, and bravery.
- He’s a warrior. He protects those he loves and stands for his beliefs; he will not only die for you, but he will also live for you.
- He has good judgment/speaks well. He’s not brash or harsh with his words or actions.
- He’s good-looking (this one is relative; he should be attractive in your eyes).
- The Lord is with him. This is the most important of all. How do you know the Lord is with him? Can you see the fruit of the Spirit in his life (see Gal. 5:19–21 or 5:22–23; Psalm 101)?
A godly man is the first to serve, to sacrifice, to love, to honor. He won’t ask you to compromise your integrity or your values. He’s not perfect, yet his words and actions line up, just as yours should.
I talk about the hard and the uncomfortable so that others can avoid what I survived. Getting out of an abusive marriage is so much harder than getting into one. My goal here is not to cause you to fear that all men are bad; they aren’t. Yet if one in four women are in abusive relationships, that means one in four men are abusive. This should give you pause but not stop you from pursuing a Godly relationship.
Keep doing what you’re doing; pursue God and all he has for you. Be the woman he called you to be. You will see and hear what is right and what isn’t.
is the author of Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse. Karen helps women heal from abuse by the one who vowed to love them. She and her husband Tom live in Texas and own a private security company. Discover more at AnotherOneFree.com.
Photograph © J Balla Photography, used with permission
