Parenting with Limits
If you happen to vacation in Cancun in July, you may be able to catch the tortugas marinas (sea turtles) clambering from the ocean in the late evenings to lay their eggs. What a thrill to see the large, dark mound of a turtle float in to shore and slowly and determinedly make her way up the beach. These moms use their fins to inch their way along until they find a safe haven where they can dig a hole and deposit their treasure.
When Mom Turtle finds a place, she uses her fins to dig a hole around her. She appears totally exhausted as she stops every few minutes to rest. This is when I want to jump in and help her dig. But I know that would spook her to rise up and head back to the ocean. So I sit back and watch her painstakingly go about her task of digging out a place for her over one hundred ping-pong-ball-like eggs. Once she is ready to lay them, the turtle apparently goes into a trance. This is when the beach officials gather around her to collect the endangered eggs. Mom Turtle, oblivious to what is going on around her, begins the laborious task of covering up the eggs. I always want to reach down and whisper in her ear (wherever that is), “It’s OK, honey, you don’t need to trouble yourself. The nice man has your eggs, and he will put them in a safe place. Go out into the ocean now.” I hate to see her suffer. I just want her to be happy.
If parents are asked, “What do you want most for your children?” how many would respond, “I just want them to be happy”? We do quite a bit to make our kids happy. We never want them to suffer unnecessarily. But how do we ensure we are not crossing the threshold of enablement and contributing to our children developing a habit of discontent?
God can teach us powerful lessons in his Word when we seek him. Take the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15:11-24. A pastor friend of mine likes to call it, “The story of the loving father.” At first glance, it seems the lesson we learn from this story comes from the foolish son, but I would venture to say it also comes from his wise father.
The story tells us the father divided his wealth between his sons and allowed the younger to take it and do with it as he pleased. But what did the father go through before he made that decision? I wonder if he dropped to his knees and cried out to God, “Lord, what an idiot my son is! What do I do?”
If his father’s focus was enabling Junior so that he would be happy in the moment, maybe he would have given him whatever he wanted. Maybe he would have allowed him not to work as hard. If Junior could have gotten a message to him via Camel Express, maybe his father would have sent him more money because he did not want his poor boy to be unhappy.
Or, his father could have gone to the other extreme of being a rigid rule-maker. He would have been so bent on order in his household that his anger flares at his youngest being so selfish and not appreciating what he had. What if he had wanted to punish Junior for being so foolish?
Instead, Junior’s father wanted him to discover true happiness—the joy that comes from obedience to God. He allowed the boy to do what he chose with the money so he would learn on his own. Junior’s father’s love was unconditional, so when Junior returned home, his astute father welcomed him with loving arms. He did not forever enable his son by allowing him to carry on foolishly in their home. He did not destroy the relationship they had by yelling, “You will never be welcome in this house again! You have made your bed, and now you can lie in it!” No, this father understood that healthy middle of the continuum: parenting with limits.
With God’s help, this is what we parents can strive for. It is not always easy. Don’t think that doing the right thing means we will immediately feel at peace about it. In fact, when we make a prayerful decision, trust Christ, then sit back and allow our children to experience real-world consequences, our stomachs will be churning inside, and we will always be second-guessing ourselves. This is OK! It allows us the opportunity to trust Christ even more.
Mom Turtle so trusts the Creator that she even leaves her eggs behind, never seeing them again. At least we human parents don’t have to do that. We are blessed with personally witnessing the hurts and hurdles, frustrations and fears, blunders and blessings that come from learning how to build relationships and parenting with limits.
is retired from 31 years of teaching in various areas of exceptional student education in public schools and five years of teaching high school at a private school. She is the author of Jesus Didn’t Fit In: Raising Nontraditional Children. She enjoys reading, writing, Bible study, and flower gardening. She has been married for 44 years to her husband, Bill. They have two grown children and an eleven-year-old granddaughter. You can connect with Janet on Facebook.
Photograph © David Levêque, used with permission
