Becoming a Woman of Intentional Words

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” (Eph. 4:29 NLT)

I was perplexed about the growing distance and silence in our relationship. Until I received the email.

My friend took a brave step and let me know she was feeling judgment and disapproval from me because of words I had spoken. As a result, she distanced herself.

After spending a tearful day wondering what was wrong with me and berating myself for not being a good friend, I regrouped. I asked her what I’d said to make her feel judged.

My offending words weren’t confrontational words or intended to be hurtful. I didn’t even remember them. They were uttered off the cuff, in passing during casual conversation. They were careless words, spoken thoughtlessly. I didn’t intend to be judgmental or disapproving.

I was tempted to defend myself.

Surely we have the right to unguarded conversations with the people we are close to? Surely we can say whatever comes to mind? My family and friends know me. They get me. They’ll understand that I’m talking just to talk and be okay with me giving my opinion even when they don’t ask for it. Right?

The careless words I spoke caused harm. I couldn’t defend that.

I want to be a friend others want to be around. So this invites the question: How do I become a woman of intentional words? How do I stem the flow of careless and unthinking words and use words that speak life into someone else?

These are questions for all of us.

Most of our words are spoken during casual, mundane, and seemingly innocent conversations with spouses, friends, parents, and children. These are relationships in which we often speak before thinking and are the same relationships within which our words wield the most power to be unkind. Especially careless words spoken unthinkingly.

Is there ever a time when we have permission to let our guard down in regard to our words?

In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul says no, and goes on to show us how we can guard against careless speech and become women of intentional words.

Intentional words are not unwholesome, foul, or abusive. Profanity is not the only offender. Careless words include gossip, sarcasm, snarky comments, zingers, and hormonal responses. How do we speak to and about our children, our spouses, our workplaces?

Intentional words are good and helpful in building others up. Because we do not know what filter someone is using as they receive our words, this instruction is vital. Casual comments about how much sweet tea someone drinks might be perceived as a criticism about eating habits or weight. You might mean, “Wow, you were thirsty.” She hears, “Wow, you are really packing in the calories.” (Not that I have experience with this one.)

This does not mean the sum of our conversations must be sunshine and roses. Not at all. When difficult conversations are called for, and they will be, it is crucial that we employ this instruction. Hard words must be shared kindly with the purposes of building up, correcting in love, and/or gently admonishing, not tearing someone down.

Intentional words benefit those who hear. Pause and consider this. Far more people hear what we speak than we realize. People who don’t know our life context. People who don’t “get” our humor. People who will hear what we say reflected through their own life circumstances. Will they hear words that reflect our love for Jesus and for them?

Instead of being women known for great comebacks, sarcastic humor,  and razor-sharp tongues, let’s be startling and become women of intentional words. If that means we speak less, maybe it’s a good thing.

We might hear echoes of Paul’s words in this familiar adage of moms: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything. My friends, my children, my spouse—they don’t need my unsolicited advice or opinion. If they want them, they will ask for them, and then I will have the opportunity to speak carefully.

I hope to learn to live into Paul’s instruction, silence my careless words, and become a woman of intentional words instead. Don’t you?

Denise Roberts is a wife, mom, and joyful soon to be mother-in- law. She loves sharing a good cup of coffee on her back deck with friends and morning snuggles from her 100-lb. chocolate lab, Hudson. She writes with a passion to share how to live holy—where faith and life intersect. Connect with her at www.deniseroberts.org.