Do You Assume the Best?

One of the nerdy things my husband and I have done throughout most of our marriage is watch Jeopardy at night before we go to bed. Alex Trebek’s passing was like someone we knew leaving our home. It felt closer than many other celebrity passings. One of the last things Alex said publicly was, “We’re trying to build a kinder, gentler society. If we all pitch in just a little bit, we’re going to get there.”

As we’ve been watching the guest hosts finish out the season, the executive producer of Jeopardy, Mike Richards, has been paying homage to Alex by repeating his words as his exit line every episode. Some people might see this as corny, but I think his words warrant some deeper thought.

Assuming the Best in Our Families

My husband, James, and I are both firstborns. We came into our marriage with strong personalities and poor communication skills. Our early marriage was marked with many ugly arguments wherein we lost sight of the value of the image of God in each other.

We chose to set some ground rules for how we communicated in our marriage. We had several rules, including avoiding name-calling, no sarcasm, and no disrespect with our body language (such as eye-rolling). We didn’t magically follow these rules once we committed to them, but we did commit to working toward these goals and immediately apologizing if we broke one of the rules.

One of my favorite rules was avoiding jumping to conclusions. We agreed to assume the best of each other and to ask questions before we assumed the worst. There are times where I hear a tone in James’s voice that he didn’t intend and vice versa. Our agreement is that, instead of reacting to the tone, we say something like, “Hey, that sounded kind of mean or snarky to me. Is that how you meant it?”

This kind of reaction gives the offender a chance to correct or explain before the situation turns into an argument. Do we sometimes end up in an argument anyway? We do. But does this method also help us avoid many arguments? It really does.

We try to apply this principle with our children as well. When our kids make poor choices, we try to ask them to describe their thought processes and dig into what they were thinking before we jump to a conclusion about their motives. This gives them a chance to explain themselves, and it gives us better opportunities to extend grace.

Assuming the Best in Our Communities

Our family closed our church plant in December, and we are embarking on the unfamiliar journey of looking for a church to attend. We’ve been virtually watching and occasionally attending a church nearby, which is currently going through a series on Proverbs. Today’s sermon was on the power of words and how they can be used to encourage or destroy.

Proverbs gives us so much wisdom as it relates to our words: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18 NIV).

In our current environment with its vast political, racial, and philosophical divides, our verbal reactions can be used to heal or to pierce. We can react more gently and with encouraging, kind, and peaceful words when others say things with which we disagree.

When we see a stranger out in the community doing something we would deem a poor choice, it behooves us to pause and consider what information we could be unaware of. We don’t know her story or whether she was just triggered. We don’t know whether she may have just received terrible news, causing her to behave a certain way. We don’t know if she drove erratically due to an emergency.

Like many young, arrogant twenty-somethings, I remember doing a lot of judging (usually just in my own mind) when I saw unruly children in public places. I would immediately assume the mother didn’t have a handle on her kids or that the dad wasn’t prioritizing his family well by ignoring the poor behavior. I didn’t consider health issues or other hidden pieces of their stories that could be causing the scene. I want to go back to my twenty-something self and rip those ugly thoughts from my mind. As I began to have my own children, I realized quickly that my kids did not always reflect the behavior I was trying to teach them in public.

When They Prove Us Wrong

Some people are just hard. We may practice assuming the best, and when we ask questions and dig in, they prove that we were wrong to assume the best. They actually had poor intentions and really were being mean.

These cases are hard, and it can be exceedingly difficult to take the high road and stay kind in the face of someone being ugly. I readily admit that sometimes I fail. I sink to that level and participate in the ugliness. I try to repent and apologize to the person when I do, even if they owe me an apology I may never get.

The far better path is to exit the conversation or just continue to pump kindness into it, even when we’re alone. Taking time to consider our responses can be helpful in these cases, and of course, prayer is always a way to center our minds on how to be kind in the face of unkindness.

It’s so easy to assume the worst. It’s much harder work to assume the best. I can attest, though, that especially in my marriage and home, it is worth the hard work. Our arguments are far fewer and less frequent than they were early in our marriage because we committed ourselves to God’s way instead of our own.

I do believe that Alex’s words can be a reality. If we all take some steps to treat others kindly and gently, our society can be a more peaceful and pleasant place to be. We cannot control everyone else, but we can each take some small steps in our own lives to move toward assuming the best in others.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, finance director and lover of sarcasm and deep conversations with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and hosting others in her home.

Photograph © Third Serving, used with permission