When You’ve Been Hurt by the Church

If you stay in church long enough, you’re going to experience conflict.

You may be disillusioned by a particular denomination.

A pastor might disappoint you.

Decisions by church leaders will cause discord.

Another church member will disturb you.

It’s bound to happen, because the group of believers the Bible calls the “body of Christ” is a human body.  And humans have a habit of irritating one another.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just be like the New Testament church, being of one heart and soul and sharing all things in common. (Acts 4:32)? They didn’t have interpersonal conflicts, did they?

Well, yes, they did. Paul and Barnabas, those two great leaders of the early church, were partners in spreading the gospel. When controversy arose, they took the same side in the debate. Acts 15 tells how they met with the Jerusalem council and lobbied for gentile believers to be exempt from circumcision. But soon after making their point with the apostles in Jerusalem, Paul and Barnabas had a sharp disagreement:

 And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are. Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.” (Acts 15:36-41 ESV)

Paul didn’t have time for someone who had wimped out on a past mission trip. But Barnabas, the Son of Encouragement, wanted to give his cousin Mark another chance. So Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways.

The church today has its share of similar conflicts. Sometimes, when two groups of God-loving believers can’t agree, separation seems to be the only option.

And it’s painful. I’ve been there. Years ago, the church I attended decided it would no longer support a particular ministry because the elders wanted to invest resources in other areas. A group of us had poured our hearts and souls into that ministry, so the decision left us heartbroken. We felt our contribution was no longer valued, and after many tearful discussions, some of us began visiting other churches.

A small group of us landed in a new local body of believers who welcomed us and gave us an opportunity for service. God had reassigned us. And although we felt wounded when we left our former church, our new church home was a much better fit.

God can use even our disagreements to nudge us toward new adventures, producing greater growth.

The Greek word used for “sharp disagreement” (paroxysmos) is the same word the author of Hebrews uses when he instructs us to “stir up one another to love and good works.” Sometimes our sharp disagreements are the very things God uses to point us in a new direction.

When Paul and Barnabas split up, twice as many people were impacted by the gospel. And Paul didn’t hold a grudge. In fact, Paul later found Mark to be useful in his ministry. (Col. 4:10)

Maybe you’ve been there, too.

You have talents, passions, or a vision to serve the Lord, but someone in the church tells you, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

That’s not how we do things in this church.

Our church is going to focus on a different mission.

We don’t think you’re qualified to serve in this capacity.

Don’t be discouraged, and don’t give up on the church. Go to God in prayer and ask him to lead you to a place where you can best fulfill your individual calling.

Father, help us to let go of past hurts and invest our energy in serving you with the gifts you’ve given us. Help us to preserve unity in the body of Christ. Place us in local communities of believers where we can strengthen and encourage one another and bring glory to you. Amen.

Scripture for Reflection

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Heb. 10:24-25 ESV)

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” (Eph. 4:1-6 ESV)

Reach for More

Spend some time in prayer reflecting on your relationship to the church.

Don’t allow hurt feelings to cause you to withdraw from other believers. If you’ve been battered by conflict in the church, ask God to heal your wounds and show you how he might be using even disagreements for good. Ask God to show you whether your differences can be resolved or whether he’s pointing you in a new direction,

If you’re happily nestled in a local community of believers, think of one thing you can do today to stir up someone to love and good works.

Margaret Kemp spends most days teaching a classroom full of lively five-and six-year-olds. She’s attracted to be fragrance of vanilla, the printed word, and all things blue and white. She delights in spending time with her husband and family, singing praises with her church choir peeps, and traveling. Her heart’s desire is to know God better and learn to trust him more. You can read more of her writing at MargaretKemp.com.

Photograph © Adam Gong, used with permission