How to Love Our Single Friends Better

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, one of my biggest worries was that I wouldn’t find someone who was willing to love me and commit to be my life partner. I went to a Christian university where many women attended only for their “MRS degree.” Ironically, despite my concern, I balked at the idea of meeting my husband in college. I wanted to graduate and find him later. But I did want to find him.

James entered my life during my junior year of college, and we were engaged a couple of years later. We were married at the young age of twenty-three. I have almost no memory of being single, but I have many friends who are single today. I have learned that despite our calling and efforts to follow Christ, we can make these precious friends feel exceedingly lonely.

Begin with Awareness

When I refer to our single friends, I’m casting a wide net. It includes those who didn’t marry (regardless of the reason), those who have been divorced, and those who have been widowed. There are, of course different nuances to their stories, and different things to consider with each group, but think of anyone in those categories as we explore loving them more fully. If you are the single friend, I hope the following words resonate with how your married/coupled girlfriends can love you better.

Sadly, our churches, our sermons, and even the ways we speak are often oriented toward traditional family units. This can make many people feel as if they are on the outside, including those who are single. I believe the first step to loving singles is to intentionally increase our awareness of the frequency with which we normalize couples.

Listen to the sermons at your church. Does the speaker consistently tell stories or use examples about couples? Consider the connection opportunities at your church or in your community. Are most of the groups for couples, or are most of the women in the groups you frequent married? We can and should advocate for a broader view in our church communities so as to ensure that everyone feels represented and included.

Something else to consider is whether you have diversified your friend group. If you’re married or a part of a couple, do you have single friends? I would assert that we should. If we are friends only with women who are exactly like us, we are missing out on the beauty of the differences in God’s creation. If you don’t have any single friends or can only think of one or two, I’d encourage you to reach out and build a relationship with others.

I have a couple of single friends who  desired at times to marry but never did. They both adopted children on their own. What an amazing feat, and how brave! I cannot even imagine all of the insensitive comments they must have received as they went through that process. The simple awareness that social norms do not dictate life for everyone is a critical principle we can all apply to make others feel more included and cared for.

Ask Questions and Listen

When we diversify our relationships, whether in race, socioeconomic status, relationship status, or any other difference, it’s important that we place a strong value on listening. We cannot understand what we do not care to ask about or listen to.

When it comes to our single friend, we should seek to understand her heart. We should hear her story and understand her deepest heart’s desire. It could be she is healing from a failed relationship or a deep loss.  It could be that she longs to find a life partner. It could also be that she is completely content as a single woman. We can come alongside her in prayer if appropriate, or we can celebrate her singleness with her.

We should also build relationships wherein we can ask for honesty when actions or language hurt our friend. Sometimes these errors may be social constructs and norms that we wouldn’t consider or recognize. Sometimes it’s simply language we use that is inconsiderate of our single friend. Either way, we should take a humble posture to listen to how it might make our friend feel and seek to change our behavior going forward.

Elevate her Voice

Finally, we can be allies and elevate the voices of our single friends. Each of us has been in situations where we feel less than or unheard. There are moments where we need an ally to elevate our voices when we don’t feel comfortable to do so. We can do this for our single friends.

We can consider the feelings and impacts of words being spoken to our single friend and gently call others out when they are not considered or included. We can seek for their voices to be represented in our churches and communities. We can recognize and advocate for their point of view.

As we approach a constructed holiday made primarily for couples, many of our single friends dread the day. They are likely to feel lonely, left out, or unseen. Consider sending a card or a small gift to let them know you’re thinking about them. In February and all year, may we all consider the immense value of our single friends and take steps to love them more fully.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, finance director and lover of sarcasm and deep conversations with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and hosting others in her home.

Photograph © Joel Muniz, used with permission