Let’s Cherish Our Children

“Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

A few weeks ago, my family headed out for a mini-vacation at a resort town a few hours from home. It had been almost a year since we’d had any kind of a getaway, thanks to COVID-19. Our hotel had a splash pad and a pool with a giant waterslide, but also thanks to COVID, we had to reserve time at the water play area in two-hour blocks because the hotel was limiting the number of people in that space throughout the day. The morning after our arrival, we found ourselves standing in line with a number of other families–socially distanced, of course–waiting to check in. In front of us was a young mom with two children, a girl around seven or eight years old, and a toddler boy. The mom was wearing a sweatshirt with an applique in the shape of my home state, so of course, I asked her where they were from. It turned out we shared not just a home state, but also our current metro area, although she lives in a different outlying town than we do.

A short time later, I found myself six feet away from this same mom in the hot tub, and I engaged her in conversation. I noticed she didn’t look very happy, the reasons for which she unpacked without me even asking: she was irritated about the water area restrictions, which hadn’t been outlined on the hotel website when she made her reservation. She’d brought her two kids to a resort town five hours from home, planning to spend the entire weekend playing at the pool.

“What am I going to do with them the rest of the time?” she said. “I can’t just sit in a hotel room with them. They’ll drive me crazy.”

I wanted to point out that we were in a resort town, abounding with attractions for all ages. But I didn’t. I just listened, nodding in sympathy.

“Is this your last hurrah before your daughter goes back to school?” I asked.

“No, school has already started, thank goodness,” she said. “I was so ready.”

“Then your district must be open for in-person school,” I said. “The public schools in our area are online only.”

“Our district gave us a choice,” she said, “but I was like, ‘Get out of my house.'”

I was stunned into silence by her words. Get out of my house? I thought. That’s how you feel about your young daughter?

I probably shouldn’t have been surprised. I’ve had similar versions of this same conversation over and over since COVID-19 shut down the schools. And on one hand, I get it. Parents have been laid off, have had to figure out how to work from home, have suddenly had to deal with overseeing their kids’ education from home while working (or job-searching). It’s a lot. Ironically, though, I’ve heard stay-at-home moms who are not juggling work and kids say the same thing. They can’t wait until they can send their children off to other adults for 6-8 hours every day.

I keep wondering, As a culture in general, why don’t we enjoy our kids? Why do we count down the weeks of summer vacation and the days of Christmas break, sighing with relief when we get to send them off to teachers and administrators? Scripture tells us that in order to enter heaven, we need to be like children. Do you see the contradiction here?

Do we not cherish our children simply because parenting is hard, or is it because we aren’t raising our kids?

We can’t do much to change the model we have, unfortunately. In our industrialized culture, it’s simply a fact that most children will enter public school at age five or six and spend the bulk of their waking hours there 180 days of every year until they graduate or drop out. The remaining weekdays of the year are likely to be spent mainly at daycares, camps, and other forms of child care. On Sundays, we hand responsibility for their spiritual formation over to church volunteers. It’s just what we do in America.

We send our children away from us–many of us have no choice–and then we struggle to enjoy the time we do have with them. We rush to get them to practices and games, performances and playdates, mistaking unending activity for an expression of love. We battle over homework, wondering why this is our lot when they’re already at school all day. We hand them devices and are glad when they give us an hour of peace because they’re looking at a screen. And yes, we get the tired, hangry, overstimulated leftovers that stumble in the door at the end of every day. It’s hard sometimes. Maybe all the time.

I’ve listened to the woes of friends about the influence of their kids’ peer culture, about ungracious attitudes and materialism, about exposure to mainstream cultural ideas before they are mature enough to process those ideas, about situations involving bullying and peer rejection, and I’m often reminded of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies. John Taylor Gatto, an award-winning New York public school teacher, pointed out that at no other time in our lives are we ever placed in a defined social group of other people exactly our own age and told it’s the best thing for us–could it be that there’s something wrong with the model? Homeschooling pioneer Charlotte Mason made the point that children need interaction with adults who love and value them in order to grow up as people of character. Our children may have wonderful teachers, coaches, and mentors, but they are still never free of the pack. So what can we do to counteract the effects of the culture we live in?

Well, perhaps for starters, we shouldn’t be so eager to say, “Get out of my house.” Perhaps we need to start with our own mindsets. If you’re a parent who is continuing to oversee your child’s education from home this year, and you’re dreading it, maybe it’s time for a heart change? If you’re a parent who is sending your child off to school again this year, and you’re thankful to see the back of them every morning, maybe it’s time for a heart change?

Scripture tells us children are a gift–a blessing. Are we making an effort to see our kids through the lens of Scripture each day?

We can’t combat all the effects of public school, not if we don’t have the option or desire to homeschool long-term (not everyone does, and that’s just the way things are). What we can do, though, is work on changing the atmosphere during the time we do have with our kids each day. We need to cherish our children, and they need us to do it. More than the encouragement of teachers and coaches, more than peer acceptance, they need us. Just us. They need our love, they need our acceptance, they need our focused attention. Every day.

I’m talking about making time for heart-to-hearts, about looking them in the eyes and listening to who they are. I’m talking about hugs and snuggles on the couch, back scratches and storytimes. I’m talking about sitting down to meals whenever you can squeeze it in and having real conversations about the things that matter to you as a family. I’m talking about staying up later than you’d like to build your relationship with your teen (because late at night is when teens tend to open up). There is so much we can do in the limited time we have with our children if we are intentional about it.

But it’s about more than hugs and snuggles, too, and if you have only been counting the days until they are out of the house and out of your hair again, it may take some time and some remedial effort to start fresh with your kids. If you need some help with these things, I recommend the book Live Love Now by Rachel Macy Stafford as a great starting point.

Let’s cherish our children, friends, rather than being eager to send them away. Let’s cherish who they are, who they were made to be, and let’s come into our own as intentional parents who make the most of every minute we have to shape our children’s lives. Because no one else can do it for us.

Harmony Harkema has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past twelve years in the publishing industry. A writer herself in the fringe hours of her working-and-homeschooling mom life, Harmony has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. She is the owner of The Glorious Table and cohost and producer at The Relatable Homeschoolers podcast. Harmony lives in Memphis with her husband and two daughters. You can find her at HarmonyHarkema.com and on Instagram @harmonyharkema.

Photograph © Nappy, used with permission