Leaning into Conflict

One of the very first verses we taught our kids to memorize was Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a sharp word stirs up anger” (NIV). You can immediately see the benefits of siblings hiding these words in their hearts. It has always been convicting to me, too.

Very few of us are wired to enjoy conflict. Some of us avoid it at all costs. Some of us naturally want to deal with it head-on. A major challenge in conflict is learning how to walk through it while respecting the needs of those with whom we are seeking restoration.

The world is hard right now. We are in the middle of a pandemic and a contentious election. There are so many opinions, and that’s on top of normal, day-to-day life where opinions already abound. Let’s explore some healthy habits for dealing with conflict.

Evaluating the Relationship

The first step is considering whether there is even a real conflict to handle. If it’s a Facebook or Instagram acquaintance who says something I don’t agree with, in most cases that’s not a conflict. I can keep scrolling or hide that individual’s comments. I’ll note, though, that I think it’s healthy to get the perspectives of people who have differing opinions. Don’t be too quick to hide them.

Similarly, if a friend or family member says something that stings, I evaluate my relationship with that person and their heart. We are well served to let things go when we can. Not every single offense must be discussed and accounted for. This requires setting aside my pride at times, but it’s worth it. My husband doesn’t even know how many arguments we haven’t had thanks to me letting things go!

It makes sense to step into the resolution process when a deep offense has occurred in a relationship I care about and want to nurture (or need to nurture, in the case of a spouse or family member). I imagine you, too, have experienced the deeper relationship that can emerge on the other side of a conflict has been resolved in a healthy way.

Methods to Resolve Conflict

My first step in conflict resolution is to pray. It may seem obvious, but I’m prone to skip it, especially if I’m angry. It’s important to let God move in our hearts and not to operate out of our own inclinations. I am calmer and kinder when I let him move in my heart first.

I want to take a moment here to address the method of communication in conflict resolution. This is where it can be helpful to take the other person’s personality into consideration. If the other party is a processor, a written communication may be helpful to allow them time to think and process their responses. A verbal discussion can be helpful to hear tone and correct misunderstandings quickly, but it doesn’t allow for processing time.

My husband and I are five years into a small church plant out of our home. We are extremely close with our members. Conflict is inevitable. James and I have been misunderstood, and there are times where it feels like our people don’t understand our hearts at all, despite our attempts at to be transparent. We choose to share our vulnerability, which means it sometimes gets mishandled.

As we step into conflict, after prayer and considering our method of communication, the next step is simply honesty. The calmer I can stay, no matter what the other person says, the better. I also try to remain in a listening posture rather than constantly thinking about the next thing I want to say.

James and I have a few conflict rules in our marriage. In a close relationship, I’d recommend setting your own rules. Some of ours include no name-calling, no arguments in front of our kids, no sarcasm or eye-rolling, and apologies must always be more than two words. Setting rules can be hard, as it requires both parties committing to them. James and I aren’t perfect at keeping our rules, but we are consistent with apologizing when we break them.

Leaning into Conflict

As I’ve walked through several significant conflicts over the last several years, I’ve learned that leaning in is important. There were many times when it would have been easier to walk away, lick my wounds, and just get over it on my own. However, if our goal is to become more like Christ and disciple each other to be more like him, we must walk through conflict. We must be vulnerable and allow our hearts to be laid bare.

Leaning in, for me, has often meant that the conflict gets worse before it gets better. I recently checked in on a friend while we were working through a conflict. What I had intended as a show of love even while we disagreed turned into a re-litigation of the conflict. However, we were able to share our hearts and, ultimately, got to a better place by the end. It wasn’t without frustration and further hurt, but in the end, I believe we understood each other better.

Matthew 18:15 confirms this. “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (NIV). I think “winning them over” can result in richer, deeper, more meaningful relationships.

For example, consider one of my best friends and partners in our church plant, She is a wonderful person. However, when we first met, we both would have said that our personalities didn’t mesh. I think without God initiating the church plant work, we may never have become close, and what a tremendous loss that would have been. We have walked through hard conflict with each other and with others, and our relationship runs incredibly deep as a result.

Leaning into conflict is hard and can be scary. It’s important that we follow Jesus, though, and he didn’t shy away from conflict. He dealt with it head-on with love and care. We can and should follow his lead.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, church planter, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversation with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and having people over. Amy blogs with her husband at fringechurch.com.

Photograph © Priscilla du Preez, used with permission