A Time of Silence

When I was three years old, I got lost. Really, really lost. My grandma had been in a car accident, and my mom drove to the next town over to help. It was the middle of the night, and she left me sleeping in the back seat of her car so she could run into my grandma’s house to check on things.

The trouble is, I’m a sleepwalker. In the middle of a dream, I got out of the car and followed my mom down the street. Except it wasn’t my mom. I was shouting at the image of her, but she was silent.

I walked to a park, a school, and around a neighborhood, crying for my mom. I heard nothing but silence.

Like that lost little girl, walking through Moscow, Idaho in her nightgown, I’m experiencing silence again.

I would like to tell you that this blog was written under some power from the Holy Spirit. I would like to tell you that I hear him so clearly, and I know exactly what words I’m supposed to write. That my heart can’t help but put pen to paper. But I can’t say those things, as much as I’d like to.

Have you ever had “head knowledge” of the presence of God but no emotional sense of him in your heart?

I’ve been a Christian for thirteen years. I read my Bible fairly regularly, and I know for certain Jesus is my Savior and the Gospel is true. But my heart is silent, and I don’t know what to do.

When I was a new believer, I was pretty broken. I went to church with two tiny kids, a struggling marriage, and very little hope. It was easy to be swept up in the emotion of learning about a God who loved me no matter what. It would have been even easier to leave it at that and never learn about his character. Thankfully, he led my heart to a place where I wanted to study and fill my mind with his Word.

As my fingers skim across the keyboard now, I’m pondering why this silence is happening to me. Maybe it’s a reminder that the head knowledge is important, too? That being fully convinced of the one true God is just as important as emotionally sensing it?

Feelings are important to me. I rely on emotions to create close relationships, so it’s a struggle when I don’t have any. The lesson here just might be that feelings aren’t the only thing tying me to my Father.

I’m not sure what will come out of this silent time in my life. Thankfully, mercifully, my head knowledge gives me reassurance that even though I don’t hear God, he is there. Even though I don’t feel his presence, he is never far. I know that I won’t be forsaken because the Lord is with me. My head will get me through while my heart catches up.

If you’re going through a time of silence, I urge you to spend time reading your Bible, even if it’s just a minute or two every day. The little bit of knowledge you can soak up in that short time will sustain you. It will show you a loving God and a precious Jesus. If you can’t open your Bible, try one verse per day on your phone. If you’re heart isn’t in it, your head needs to be.

For the past few days, I’ve been getting up in the morning and studying a chapter from Mark. Reading about the love Jesus has for God and people, and learning from him, has helped me remember why I committed my life to him to begin with.

If you’re crying into the silence with me, let’s remember we aren’t alone. In Psalm 28:1 David cries out, “To you, Lord, I call; you are my Rock, do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who go down to the pit” (NIV).

David, a man after God’s own heart, felt the same way some of us do. He was lonely and scared. He was hurting. He was lost. But he knew God’s character well enough to believe that he was near, even when his feelings told him otherwise. David knew to cry into the silence because faith doesn’t require feelings alone. Faith tells us he is waiting somewhere, and that we will be close again one day.

Are you wondering what happened to the little girl in her nightgown? Let me tell you, it was dramatic. Tired and scared, I walked into a stranger’s unlocked house and terrified their entire family. They called the police to tell them I was there. I vividly remember the Moscow police department, and my mom, coming to pick me up. Lights and sirens announced their arrival.

Following God won’t always involve lights and sirens. Sometimes it will be a serene, Idaho evening. Sometimes you’ll be crying into the silence. But God is always there. He hears us. We must keep seeking, even when it seems like we’ll never find home.

Becky Yurisich is a full-time Army wife and mom, and an occasional teacher of first graders. She is an unapologetic follower of Jesus and the University of North Carolina Tar Heels. Becky holds a bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education from UNC, and dreams of writing a book. She blogs at beckyyurisich.com.

Photograph © Raychan, used with permission