Are You Hiding?

God knows us intimately, is with us all of the time, and is quick to forgive. He loves us and desires to help us. We know these things, yet still have the urge to hide from him and others when we make mistakes. From our earliest days, we choose hiding over honesty. Toddlers hide under tables with stolen snacks or in corners when they’ve broken something. Young children lie with all their might even in the face of mountains of proof.

This doesn’t stop as we get older. We’re so desperate to be seen as mature, perfect, or having it all together that we’re willing to protect that image at any cost. We hide our messiness and flaws, terrified that if we reveal them, we’ll get in trouble or be rejected by others. We want so much to belong that we’re willing to do whatever it takes, even hiding our true selves and pretending to be things we aren’t.

The Urge to Hide

My desire to conceal my shortcomings or flaws has been in place since I was a child, but the urge to hide has been around since the beginning of creation. When Adam and Eve messed up in the garden, they tried to hide from God. Adam said, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Gen. 3:10 NIV). The impulse to hide our mistakes or our true selves has been a struggle ever since sin entered the world.

After being tricked into admitting a bad grade on a test and then being teased for my poor performance by a classmate in third grade, I buckled down on my school work, determined never again to be ridiculed for having a bad test day. My grades became impeccable, but something also changed inside me. I began to define myself and my worth by my academic performance. I couldn’t allow myself to slack off or make a mistake because I believed that mockery was waiting just around the corner. Once, in fifth grade, I thought I’d forgotten to complete a homework assignment. I became so nervous and upset that I had to rush to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit. No child should have such a visceral reaction to something so insignificant, but I was holding tightly to my carefully crafted image of being a stellar student. I feared that if I wasn’t above reproach, I would be viewed as worthless.

Accept Imperfection

I’d like to say that the knowledge that perfection is an illusion and the fact that everyone makes mistakes has helped me to loosen my grip on keeping a flawless persona. However, there are still times in my life when I feel the same fear and shame creep in, causing me to try to hide a mistake rather than owning it and moving forward. Part of me is still trying to stay impervious to criticism, and it’s exhausting.

The imagined consequences of admitting my mistakes are often much greater than the actual outcomes. The attempt to avoid repercussions often increases their severity more than if I’d confessed immediately. It also causes greater emotional turmoil because I have wasted so much time ruminating on my failure and conjuring up imagined reactions of others.

What I should be doing is reminding myself that I’m not perfect by design. My weaknesses are what remind me of my need for God. They should be seen as invitations to bring God into my mess so that he can provide healing.

Paul reminds us to “take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5 NIV). Instead of immediately going into worst-case-scenario mode when I mess up, I should stop, pray, and ask God to give me an accurate picture of the possible outcomes of sharing my struggle or blunder with another. When I do so, James 5:16 often comes to mind: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (NIV). God wants me to share my weaknesses so that I can find relief and forgiveness.

Share Your Struggles

If I keep my struggles to myself, then I’m my only source of wisdom, unless the Holy Spirit speaks to me. But if I seek out someone who also loves God and knows his Word well, then I can be ministered to, prayed for, and released from the guilt and fear I have been experiencing. I’ve found this to be true numerous times when I’ve wisely chosen to share with someone who has earned my trust. I’ve also made the mistake of sharing too much with someone who hasn’t proved themselves trustworthy, and it’s brutal. I’m now more discerning about who receives my confessions of vulnerability.

Initially, I’m afraid of being rejected by the person I’m preparing to share with, but I remind myself that no one’s perfect and, since we’re all guilty of making mistakes, they’re likely to respond with compassion and understanding. The act of confession feels dangerous, but after I’ve voiced my shame, I feel lighter. When I choose to reveal my true self to others, it invites them to do the same with me. Vulnerability feels terrifying at times, but it’s the only way to be truly accepted and known. The risks are large, but the rewards are even greater.

Choose to believe you’re more than your biggest mistakes. Come out of hiding, and allow God’s people to help shoulder your struggles and regrets. Become someone who is able to gracefully and compassionately bear the vulnerability of others. God created us for each other. May we encourage and build one another up in love.

Megan Byrd is a mother of two who loves reading, writing, traveling, and introverting. When she’s not at a class at the gym, she can either be found perusing used book stores for great deals or exploring her new town of Asheville, NC. She is the author of Between Us Girls and can be found chronicling her reading journey @meganbyrdreads on Instagram or writing about life at meganbyrd.net.