When We Don’t Have the Words, He Does

I’m staring at the mountains rising up behind the screen of my laptop. The sky is impossibly blue, and the sun is shining. The breeze is cool on my face. It’s almost cold enough to grab my jacket. Birds are singing. Voices, music, and even some laughter are drifting over from neighboring campsites. This entire scene unfolding around me feels almost normal. Like any other day in any other time.

You could almost pretend there’s no global emergency going on. You could almost imagine it doesn’t feel like that impossibly blue sky might fall on our heads at any moment. You could almost forget the enormity of the grief and pain in the hearts of humanity this whole world over.

Almost.

I’ve agonized for days over what I should write for you. What words of encouragement could I offer to this hurting world? Every time I started, my words seemed to be painfully inadequate when held up against the light of statistics and headlines. Every sentence seemed sorely lacking. So I just stared at the mountains and the blinking cursor on my white screen while I whispered to the Lord.

The truth is, I don’t have the words our hearts need to hear. Contrary to what my Instagram feed might lead you to believe, I know I never have had the right words. But that’s not how I want the world to see me. I want to be seen as calm in the midst of chaos, stoic and courageous in the face of uncertainty and fear.

During quarantine, I’ve taken up cross-stitching. I worked for hours on a three-inch kit designed for kids. As a complete beginner, I painstakingly followed the pattern. When my colorful little llama was finished, I proudly held it up for my family to admire. My four-year-old was extremely impressed—until she turned it over and saw the back.

The front of my project looked perfect. The llama was an exact replica of the picture on the box. The back, however, was a completely different story. A tangled mess of threads and colors were hidden there. By looking only at the reverse side of the project, it would be impossible to guess what image was displayed on the front.

It felt exactly like my life right then. I was desperately trying to put on a brave face. I wanted to be an encouragement to others. I wanted my outward appearance to look “right.” Yet all the while, my insides were a tangled mess of feelings and questions, fears and doubts.

If I’m completely honest, I have a rush of fear every time my husband leaves for his shift at the hospital. I occasionally get lost in a long list of “what-ifs” when I try to fall asleep at night. What if he gets sick? What if we can’t be with him? What if we both get sick? Who would take care of our kids? How would we get home? How would our family get to us?

Here’s what I’m learning, friends: it doesn’t catch God by surprise when our hearts are fearful and our minds are worried. He is too big and too mighty and too sovereign for that. Whether we admit our doubts or not, he knows our every anxious thought.

We can just look at Psalm 139 to see just how well the Lord knows us inside and out:

“You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely” (Psalm 139:1-4 NIV).

There are going to be times in our lives when we feel fear and experience doubt. When our hearts and minds are a tangled mess. This doesn’t mean we are failing at following Jesus. It just means we are human. Our God knows our hearts and is prepared for such a time as this.

We were never expected to be robotic examples of perfection. We were never meant to be void of all concern. We were never meant to have all the words.

But we know the One who does.

He knew we would stumble. He knew we would falter. He knew we would fear. He has given us the gift of his Word so we have a place to turn in times of trouble.

Whether it’s a global pandemic or a minor conflict with a friend, his Word stands and his promises are true. I’m so glad I don’t have to have the words. And I’m so grateful he has all the words our hearts will ever need.

Ashley Doyle Pooser is a part-time writer and full-time wanderer. She is married to a travel nurse and homeschools her three kids on the road. She’s basically flying by the seat of her pants thirteen weeks at a time. You never know where you might cross paths with her, but you can bet she’ll be singing car karaoke and documenting all her shenanigans on Instagram at @thisonetinylife.

Photograph © Annie Spratt, used with permission