Freedom to Wonder

A few years ago, our family adopted up a new tradition with our church. At the end of the year, we pick one word we feel God wants us to focus on for the following year. In December 2018, I chose the word wonder.

Like most people, I’ve been spending time lately reflecting and asking God what I need to leave and what I need to take with me as we move forward once the economy begins to open up again. We all know, as hard as it may be to admit, everything will be different. To be honest, this isn’t bad news to me. I hope there are positive changes and that some things don’t go back to the way they were.

It’s crazy what the Holy Spirit will do with one simple word. Most of the time, it’s nothing that we could ever imagine for ourselves. The definition of wonder is, “a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.” And wonder was exactly what I experienced as the Holy Spirit gently began tearing down old mindsets, created space for me to heal from past trauma, and allowed me to love myself back to wholeness by helping me let go of certainty in exchange for the gift of curiosity and wonder, with room to doubt and ask all kinds of questions.

At the beginning, this process was painful. It was hard. I felt uncomfortable. Letting go of your comfort is scary. And then, I got angry. I was angry at myself because I had allowed people to tell me who I needed to be and what I needed to believe to fit in. I didn’t know there was space to disagree. Well, maybe I did know, but I didn’t want to disagree because I wanted to belong. So I pushed my convictions, questions, and doubts to the side and decided other people obviously were much smarter than me, which meant I had to listen to them.

But the more I wondered, the more God opened my eyes to new and beautiful teachings that resonated in the deepest part of my soul. The more I wondered, the more freedom I received. I began to read books by other educated and well-studied Christians who love the Lord and Scripture and were doing amazing things for the poor, abused, orphans, immigrants, and marginalized communities but expressed different beliefs from the Christian community I lived in. They not only talked about freedom but were living it. They didn’t exclude but included. They talked about loving your neighbor and hating your own sin. They talked about white privilege, white supremacy, and patriarchy. They were putting language to what my heart and mind already knew. They were focused on kingdom living.

I began to study other believers who had different viewpoints, thoughts, and experiences and who lived and looked different from me. It transformed my life. The more I learned, the more I began to feel alive. God was removing a lot my life, but at the same time bringing me back to life by reminding me of my younger self, who was full of fire. In my mind, I could see that ten-year-old girl who was so proud of her Hawaiian roots and would sit at her desk reading stories about the civil rights movement and daydreaming about one day making a difference. I remembered the young girl who loved and did not judge people, regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. That young girl was fierce, brave, and not afraid to love. She experienced so much wonder.

The more I began to see again the more I wanted this part of me back. The more I read and learned, the more questions I had, the more I shared with my kids. As I began to awaken, so did they. I like myself again. Not only that, I began to love and accept others the way I did before I was sucked into a mindset that was never given to me by God. I no longer believe that things have to be either black or white.

I now live in the space of both/and. I live in the middle, where life is more gray. Today, I have more questions than I have answers. But this I know: I still love Jesus Christ. I think there are people in my life who are scared by the freedom I’ve experienced, but it’s not my job to make others feel comfortable about their lives. It’s not your job, either. God gave me one of the most beautiful gifts:permission to wonder and be curious. In return, I was able to let go of control and give this same gift of wonder and curiosity to my kids, too.

How can you find the freedom to wonder?

Kim Watt is a wife, mom to four, home educator, midlife success coach, speaker, writer, and follower of Jesus. Her focus is helping women forty and over regain the confidence to pursue their God-given passions. When Kim is not inspiring women, you’ll find her spending her time doing what she loves most, which is hanging out with her family and enjoying the simple things in life, like mini-road trips to the beach, drinking coffee, laughing with friends, reading great books, and being home with her husband and kids. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter or at kimwatspeaks.com.

Photograph © Jake Weirick, used with permission