Waiting for Motherhood

“Will you be my Mommy?”

I’ve never been asked this directly, but it is something my heart has been hearing a lot these past few months. My husband and I are two years into an infertility journey (if you want to call it that). We have not sought answers from doctors, nor do we know if we want to. “Why?” you might ask. I’ll tell you.

At the beginning, we spent plenty of money on home testing kits; the ones that gave us the green light to try really hard on specific days. We’d follow the instructions and hope for the best. But then there were other home testing kits that simply said, “Sorry, please try again.” And so we would. At first, each month came with extremely high hope, only to be trampled by a devastating “No.” It probably took a good eighteen months of these highs and lows before I was finally able to surrender over the situation to God. What I came to realize after all of my kicking and screaming and questioning and pity-partying is this:

God knows my desires better I do.

So why we haven’t talked to any fertility doctors yet? It is because deep down, my heart knows that if God wants me to be pregnant, he will hear my prayers and answer them. It’s that simple. If he has other plans for me, then I’ll travel down that path instead. Why would I want to spend money trying to get pregnant when I could be saving that money to address a different problem: caring for orphans and the fatherless? Caring for a child who is already alive, whose heart is longing to ask, “Will you be my mommy?”

I’ve wrestled through the shame and rejection that I’m sure the barren women of the Bible did, too. They did not have doctors who could give them answers like we do now; at least, not that I know of. The only doctor who could give them answers was God. But even knowing God and having faith in him still brings up questions: Is this happening because of certain sins I committed in my past? Is God punishing me? Am I not fit to be a mother? Am I not happy enough? Is our home not ready enough? Is God just not hearing me? Why?

When we come to the “Why” questions in our lives, here is what I’m learning.

God has a plan, and he is in control, which means we need to trust and surrender. It may seem as though we are not being heard or that it’s unfair for an unmarried couple to be expecting their third child when a married couple is praying so hard for a baby. But there is a reason, and it is a good one. What God sees and what we see are very different things. We live in a world that will one day make perfect sense. Our job before entering that day is to remember what Lysa Terkeurst writes in Uninvited:  “God is good. God is good to me. God is good at being God.”

My heart has been softened as God has been nudging me toward the ideas of adoption and foster care. My bitterness towards my infertility journey is pretty much gone. I don’t even like calling it a trial anymore. That word is too harsh for me. Even though it’s hard, and there could be a potentially easy fix, I don’t have a desire to spend money on treatments. While I do have a desire to be a mommy, I think the pull has come unconventionally through the idea that there is already a child waiting for me somewhere.

I never would have pictured myself with a blended family of kids who might be every shade of white, brown, or pink. When I grew up and got married, I envisioned having five boys of my own. That was my plan. But my plan was obviously flawed because it didn’t involve what God might want for my life. It was all about what I wanted. While I realize there is potential my kids won’t have my eye color, my freckles, or that they look alike, it does not matter to me. What matters is that I seek and submit to God. This journey is becoming more and more beautiful the more I stop complaining and start looking for how God is working in it.

Maybe I needed God to tell me “No” in my one-way thinking so that I could see his “Yes” somewhere else. Is this true for you in any way?

After reading Ordinary by Tony Merida and Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore, my mindset on families has drastically changed. How could I forget that I, too, am an adopted daughter of my heavenly Father? And the people I call my family actually make up a quilt of many colors. As a Christian, I have the privilege of knowing my heavenly Father and seeing him in ways that the world does not. I know he is on this infertility journey with me. He is leading me on a path that the world might pity. But for me, it’s exciting to think that this could be God’s will. I might get to experience God in a way that so many others do not. I could have a part to play in bringing God’s love to kids who otherwise might not even know what a hug or a smile looks like.

So if you’re walking an infertility journey similar to mine, I pray that God reveals his goodness and faithfulness to you through it. Where we might look at something and count it as a loss, God can use for a gain far more abundant than anything we could hope or imagine.

Audrey Osborn has been happily married for just over two years and currently works from home in Grand Rapids, Michigan as a technical writer for a pharmaceutical company. She loves quiet mornings, decaf coffee, cats, crafting, and spending quality time with Jesus, family, and friends. She and her hubby are excited to be pursuing foster care or adoption with the hope of bringing love to kiddos in need. “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”

Photograph © Dylan Nolte, used with permission