Don’t Say No

I don’t say no to my kids.

Not even when they have a completely hair-brained idea.

This may come as a shock to you. It may even sound crazy; it did to me when I first heard it from a mentor mom. But I will tell you, it’s surprisingly effective and has changed how I look at parenting.

There are three reasons why not saying no to my kids has been life-changing for our family: (1) it allows for thoughtful decision-making, (2) they learn self-control, and (3) they learn to set and work toward goals.

One of my goals as a parent is for my children to learn wisdom in making thoughtful decisions. Proverbs 2:2 tells us to, “Turn your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding” (NLT). Allowing my kids to think through a decision on their own gives them experience in that process. If one of my kids comes to me with what I consider (probably correctly) a dumb and completely impossible idea, I stifle the temptation to roll my eyes, sigh, and snap. “No way.” Instead, I ask questions. “Why are you interested in this? What makes you excited about it?”

Here’s a real Carlson-world example: my eight-year-old son asked me if he could play baseball with our neighbor boys on a community baseball team. Now, my son is not athletic and has never expressed any interest in baseball beyond playing catch in our farmyard. Also, he is a homebody, lives a full life on our farm, and does not enjoy large groups of people—he’s a true introvert. But instead of  saying, “No. Baseball is not for you,” I asked him a series of questions and gave him more information.

Through our exchange, I found out that, indeed, my son had no idea what playing in a baseball league would entail; he simply wanted to spend time with his friends doing something they enjoy. Rather than pointing out these obvious facts and saying no to his request, asking questions and working through what my son really wanted with him allowed him to see that what a formal baseball league would require was more than he wanted to give.

I also want my children to develop self-control rather than to function only under parent control, which is the second reason I don’t say no. The ability to delay gratification, be patient, and accept setbacks is critical for developing into thoughtful and well-adjusted adults.

Here’s another example, this one an exchange between my younger daughter, age seven, and my husband.

“Dad, I really, really want this Cinderella LEGO set. Please, it’s right here on the shelf!”

“Did you bring your money?”

“No, but you could buy it, and I would pay you back.”

“This set costs $38. Do you have that much money at home?”

“Not quite. But you could buy it, and I would give you the money when I get it.”

“Well, that’s not how it works. Your mom and I don’t buy toys, and we don’t make loans. I really want you to have this toy, though, so how can you do it?”

“Can I do some extra jobs and earn the rest of the money?”

“That’s a great idea! And I do have a shop that needs to be cleaned. When you have enough money saved, we’ll come back so you can buy it.”

It would have been easy for us to buy the toy and earn the money to pay us back afterward. But that wouldn’t teach her to save her money to buy what she wants. It also doesn’t teach her to bring her money along in case she wants to buy something. Planning ahead for a purchase allows children to spend time thinking about what they want to spend their money on, rather than impulse buying with Mom and Dad’s money.

The third lesson children learn when we don’t say no is to set goals and work towards them. Seven years ago, my then-five-year-old daughter, Jana, wanted a horse. We live on a farm, and having a horse was entirely possible. I love horses, am a good rider, and had horses when I was growing up on this very farm.

My first impulse was to run out and buy both of us horses. My husband is not a horseman. He had no desire to shell out good money on an animal he would have to care for and in which our daughter, in all likelihood, would lose interest in within a few weeks.

We sat down with our daughter and told her that we wanted her to have a horse and would help her all we could, but that she would have to raise the money to buy the horse. A dear friend of ours, who is a magnificent horsewoman, told Jana that she would help her look for the perfect horse, and that she would start looking when Jana had raised $1000. Our daughter started selling cookies at our farmers market booth for $3 a bag. Then she made and sold lefse, a Norwegian heritage food, for $5 and $15 a package. She saved all her birthday and Christmas money. She raised bottle lambs, chickens, and ducks, and sold them for more money. My husband asked me, “What if she does all this work and gets all this money and then doesn’t want a horse?”

I said, “Well, then she’s the only kid I know with a couple thousand dollars saved up for whatever she wants!”

This past fall, six years later, her horse finally arrived. Those years were a lot of work for her, but her commitment to having her own horse never wavered.

Proverbs encourages all of us to strive for wisdom and understanding. Helping our kids make wise decisions when we don’t say no helps them on their way to a solid foundation of wisdom that can serve them their whole lives. So maybe next time you feel like saying no, try a different approach. See what happens.

Annie Carlson is rooted like a turnip to the plains of North Dakota where she raises great food, large numbers of farm animals, and three free-range kids with her husband. You can find her with either a book or knitting needles in her hands as she dreams up her next adventure.

Photograph © Irina Murza, used with permission