Are You Choosing an Authentic Life?

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (Isa. 46:4 NIV)

I was fourteen the first time I dyed my hair. At that young age, I wasn’t coloring to cover grays but to experiment with changing my outward appearance. I have never been one to have a signature hairstyle. My hair has hung down my back and been cropped into a pixie cut. I sported a perm in grade school. Brown, blond, red, and even teal locks have at times graced my head. Coming out of a stressful season or a bad break up, I would skip the ice cream and chick flicks to head to my local drug store with a few dollars and a desire to make myself a fresh creation.

When I was in my late twenties with two kids under two, I found my first gray hair. I followed my first instinct to pluck it out with tweezers. Soon after, baby number three joined our family, and with him came a multitude of new silver strands in my brunette mane. Dying my hair now became an act of covering instead of a method of authentic expression. I engaged in a fight against aging and the march of time.

I was a few years into my futile attempts at camouflaging my gray when my world came apart. Within the space of two years, I suffered debilitating depression, anxiety, and panic disorder; I came to terms with my alcohol abuse, and I began the long road of religious deconstruction. Separately, these things can be some of the most challenging obstacles we face. Together, they reoriented my entire life.

I refer to these three hardships as the most excellent teachers I never asked for but desperately needed in order to live the authentic life God created for me. I stripped away the quest for perfection in addressing my mental health. I uncovered healthy stress and emotional management when I stopped using alcohol to self-medicate, removing its power from my life. I stopped trying to hide my true feelings and beliefs from God and people in order to fit into the mold I thought I had to wear to call myself a Christian.

Choosing to live an authentic life is a bit like peeling an onion. You remove one layer after the next, taking off the things that used to fit you but were stifling your growth in the process. Like the layers of an onion, all these layers are distinct but also connected. And, much like peeling an onion, your eyes will burn with tears from time to time as you examine each layer, discerning if this piece of your life is worth saving or is bound for the compost pile.

When I stopped trying to cover the parts of me that I feared would set me apart, I discovered a kinship with God that I had been missing. God already knew who he created me to be: loud, compassionate, stubborn, and fierce. I just needed to embrace myself as a unique, authentic creation of God rather than a replaceable cog in the American Christian Machine.

In the church, we often confuse unity with sameness. True unity comes when the distinct parts of an organism choose to come together as a whole with their differences. As a parent, it breaks my heart to imagine watching my children dull their individual lights bit by bit to conform to how they think they should be until those lights are finally out. I think that must be how God feels when he sees us exchanging our created quirks for conformity.

Leaving behind old patterns and protective mechanisms is scary. We fear the loss of relationship, community, or our old ways of life. But as with most fears, these spawn from human thoughts, not divine truths. I love the way God reminds us in Isaiah 46 that he is not only with us each step, but that he will remain faithful in this life and the life to come. God is our sustainer and rescuer. He is our Creator and Father who cares deeply for us.

Refusing to cover the spiritual and emotional parts of myself has led to some physical changes as well. In December 2019, I colored my hair for the last time. I realized that spending large amounts of money and time to put chemicals on my head every month no longer aligned with my values. This decision comes with complicated feelings. I love that I am choosing to be authentic and buck societal norms. Sometimes vanity creeps in, and I wonder if I look old or unattractive.

But then God reminds me that I am choosing to be authentically me, reclaiming another piece of the light I hid for years. Slowly, I am putting those tiny, bright parts of myself back together to form the fire of my being. I am revealing who God designed me to be, trusting that there is beauty in the journey, grays and all.

Father, you are faithful and true. Reveal to us the ways we try to make ourselves smaller in order to fit in. Remind us that you call us to greater things. Give us the courage to live boldly, as if we believe the psalmist’s claim that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Please help us to be a generation that shines your light. Amen.

Scripture for Reflection

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Rom. 12:2 NIV)

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.” (Ps. 139:14 ESV)

Reach for More

Do you view yourself as a one-of-a-kind creation of the master Creator? Are you hiding parts of yourself to conform to the ways of this world? Ask God to reveal his delight in your unique design and gifts, and for the courage to shed off the things that hide your authentic self.

It’s not an accident that God gave us a book to reveal his love for us. Stories have a way of connecting us. Do you have a story of embracing your unique nature that led you to a closer relationship with God? Please share with us on social media using the hashtag #tgtreachformore.

Lindsay Hufford is a small-scale farmer, home educator, chicken chaser, kitchen dancer, and mediocre knitter. Her favorite things include spending time with her family, exploring the natural world, reading, eating spicy food, and singing loudly in the car (to the embarrassment of her children). Lindsay believes sharing our stories will change the world. She writes about farming, homeschooling, faith, mental health, sobriety, and living an unconventional life. You can follow her adventures at peckandpetalfarm.com.

Photograph © Stephanie Harvey, used with permission