Space to Grieve

We all experience grief; it’s just a matter of when and how. The complicating thing about grief is that we all experience it differently. Two people can experience the same tragedy and process the grief in completely different ways. These same two people can also attempt to go it alone and not lean on our loving Father. This can cause a dangerous spiral into despair and depression.

My Grief Journey

We all have our own grief journeys. Here is a brief glimpse into some of the key events in my life that I’ve had to grieve. About a year into my marriage, I began to have chronic daily headaches for an unknown reason. They lasted for more than five years and marked my life in profound ways. Toward the end of that time, I became pregnant and lost the baby. When I became pregnant again after the miscarriage, my joy was clouded by not knowing if I could carry a baby to term. Most recently, in 2017, my mom passed away after a ten-month battle with brain cancer. I was able to lean on my faith during those ten months and afterward, but there were many dark days. I’ve also lost grandparents and dear great aunts and uncles along the way.

Make no mistake; the good in my life has far outweighed the bad. Additionally, the events that have caused me grief also brought me a greater sense of closeness to God. and other lessons I wouldn’t have learned otherwise When I find myself at the end of my strength, only then do I rely fully on God. Often, it’s only then that he captures my full and undivided attention. While I wouldn’t have chosen to endure any of these things, neither would I wish them away.

A Lesson in Grief

My husband and I are planting a church, and as such, we are part of a network of churches called Soma. The founding Soma church is in Tacoma, Washington. Not long ago, the pastor, Randy, was struggling with chronic pain and PTSD related to his prior military service. Despite his immense love for Jesus, his mental health challenges got the best of him. He made the choice to end his life, leaving behind his wife, four children, and a church filled with people who dearly loved him.

The entire Soma network has been devastated by this news. We have no doubt whatsoever that Randy is in heaven with Jesus now. He knew Jesus intimately and loved him well. He led his church body and his family to love him better.

The Soma network gets together in San Diego each year. Our annual meeting took place just a couple of months after Randy’s death. One of our leaders spoke about grief during our first session together. He shared openly and vulnerably about his own grief journey as Randy’s close friend. As people, especially as church leaders, he said, we all need to take time to grieve. He wisely advised us to set aside time for grief, time during which we simply ask the Holy Spirit what it is we need to grieve, and then time during which we give him space to show us what our grief needs to look like.

Biblical Grief

Sometimes we’re grieving an immense loss. Sometimes we’re grieving a minor hurt or offense or unmet expectation. Sometimes our grief may come in the form of tears or intense sadness. Sometimes it may present itself as a heaviness or a silence. Sometimes we may even feel numb, but the Holy Spirit will move us toward feelings in his timing.

What biblical grief never looks like, though, is platitudes. Jesus wept after Lazarus died. He took time to model grief for us. This is interesting, since he knew full well he’d be raising Lazarus from the dead. Jesus still took time to join the other mourners in grief. We are called and welcome to do the same. We should never feel the need to rush through our grief, nor should we encourage others to hurry through theirs.

Sometimes, as Christians, we are encouraged to believe that our feelings are not from God. It may be implied that we must parrot what the Bible says and set aside our real emotions. We are told we should always be positive and faithful. We are told we should not have and can not express doubts. This is inconsistent with the three persons of our God in every way. God created our emotions, and we can lean into them in order to understand what he is trying to show us through them.

Do you set aside time and space to grieve? Do you ask the Holy Spirit where there may be wounds in your heart that you may not have allowed to the surface? Do you give him space to then lead you through the grieving process, whether it takes minutes, days, months, or years? This is a healthy, life-giving practice to add to your disciplines as a follower of Christ. If you need to grieve, I would encourage you to wade into it. You may be surprised at the fruit that comes from allowing yourself permission and space to grieve.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, church planter, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversation with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and having people over. Amy blogs with her husband at fringechurch.com.