Refine Me

I have been sitting, processing, and embracing the word refine over the past few months. To refine means to remove impurities or unwanted elements and improve by making small changes. The Lord tells us, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls” (1 Peter 1:6-9 ESV)

How do you want to refine me, Lord?

I had to ask, even though I had a pretty good idea. Nothing that he had laid on my heart lately seemed really easy. The first area he was chasing in my heart was my food addiction. I had made excuses for years about why it’s OK to eat that cake, cookie, slice of pie, pizza, or whatever sounded soothing in the moment. I deserve it; I worked hard that day; someone was mean to me. I hid eating. I’d go through the drive-through and eat an ice cream cone before I got home. I hid the trash under other trash in the can so no one would see it.

Then God truly grabbed my heart and reminded me that he sees me. He didn’t do it out of guilt; it was soft, kind, gentle, and full of grace. Why did I continually make excuses, frequently breaking promises to myself, over and over? I’m so broken, and the enemy knows exactly where to get me when it comes to food. He knows it’s a battle, one I wouldn’t take to Jesus because I thought It wasn’t a big deal. My inner monologue went like this: It’s just one. What does it matter? I’ve already screwed up today. I’ll start tomorrow. God doesn’t see me like I see myself in the mirror.

If I wrote the words on my face that I say to myself, that I’m fat, ugly, and disgusting, would my family agree? The enemy knew if I started looking to Jesus as my coach, as my accountability partner, he would lose the battle. I am beautiful and worth taking care of, which is how God sees me. God reminded me that he has a lot of work for me to do, and I don’t want to miss out on his best for me. One morning, soon after I had that aha moment, I was sitting quietly with Jesus, and he whispered to my heart, “Since you work best in small doses, let’s do a fast weekly. Every Sunday, lean in, listen to the Spirit, and he will share what to fast from next.” Take that, devil! You will always lose!

Pick one food to fast from? I can do that! Let’s go, Lord! Refine me!

I began the fast, and guess what? I’m still doing it, and I’ve messed up every week. I’ve wanted to quit, to throw in the towel, but I repent and keep showing up for Jesus and for myself. I so desire to make my heavenly Father proud.

He reminded me that I didn’t sign up for easy, and that the purpose of fasting is to draw me closer to him. I want and need him to sustain me. I can’t do it without him. He wants me every day, slow and steady; he’s not a quick-fix kind of God. He shows us one area to work on and then, through sanctification, we see the next step.

Through the process of fasting, what God has made clear to me is my need for obedience to him. The word refine was given to me to help me see where I wasn’t being obedient, where I was trying to hide from the world and use food to make me feel better, if only for a moment. Jesus is the only one who can truly give me peace. Now I’m growing, continually pressing into him, and not stopping when it’s hard.

Do you know how many times I’ve given in when the going was too hard? What about you? Are you good at pushing on when the refining is too hard? I want to be obedient to him in all things because he is a God who is with me in the valleys. He is with me when the waters are over my head and with me when I come out of the water. I might not ever be a size 6, but I can be my best for him. I can let him refine me into something new.

Tara Royer Steele, lives in Brenham, Texas. She’s been married to her favorite online match ever, Rick, for fourteen years. They have two boys, Brayden and Bentley. Together they run a slice of the family business, Royers Pie Haven, in Round Top, Texas and Royers Bake Shop, the wholesale hub for all the pies. Together, they love to gather people through Jesus, pie, and coffee. Tara’s devotional with recipes, Eat. Pie. Love., releases March 3, 2020. She also has a podcast called Jesus, Pie, and Coffee. Find her at tararoyersteele.com.