Only God Knows

Despite never being one for exercise, my Papaw Delmer has always been on the move. He grew up on a family farm in Appalachia, walking the hills as he completed his chores. Farming helped feed his family.

When Papaw hit retirement age, he stopped working at the factory and found more time to spend working with his cattle and garden. He never set out to exercise, yet still logged miles and miles walking the hills of our East Tennessee home.

Add that to his teetotaling perspective on alcohol, and it’s a little ironic that my grandfather is a multi-award-winning participant in the annual On Cosby Moonshine Run (a threeish-mile road race near his home.) My mom and I signed up for the race, and not being one to turn down a walk or good conversation, Papaw joined us.

Papaw’sfirst time competing in the race, he won second place in the 70s age group. When his eightieth birthday rolled around, we knew his walking pace would allow for a first-place victory. A few weeks following his birthday, he proved us right and brought home the medal.

We hoped to hike Mount LeConte with him, a popular summit in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. However, our best intentions never materialized. While still healthier than a good portion of people half his age, time began to catch up with Papaw Delmer.

At the beginning of 2018, a trip outside doing routine chores started an avalanche of dominos which made for a difficult season for our family.

Papaw’s fall on the ice, requiring stitches
The brain bleed diagnosis two months later
The blood clot in his leg, quickly followed by a clot filter implant procedure
Finally, pulmonary embolisms

The realization of his mortality slapped us in the face. The doctor called the embolisms “potentially lethal,” then asked us to repeat back his concerns, to ensure that we understood. Papaw Delmer, the man who seemed invincible, was looking death in the eye.

After one of many trips to the hospital to visit him, sadness and grief weighed heavy on my heart during the walk to the hospital parking garage. My emotions shifted from sadness to anger, however, as I approached my vehicle.

The car parked beside mine straddled the white line. Despite all the empty spots in the garage, this inconsiderate driver had rendered my driver’s door useless. My car is a sub-compact Scion. Opening and closing the doors do not require a lot of space, but this car had left me none.

My mouth began to spew the rage bubbling over from my heart. Words cursing the thoughtless driver flowed like sewage from a broken pipe.

Yanking open my passenger door, I grabbed a pen and a napkin. My whole body shook as I began to write. I instructed the driver on the ways of civilized people, and the courtesy one ought to demonstrate in a parking garage.

Flipping to the back of the napkin, I added the crown jewel: a judgmental curse which presumed to know his or her motive. Were this a movie rather than real life, I would have earned the scene an R rating.

The voice in my head screamed,

They have no idea what we’ve been through!

They have no idea how worried, how upset I am!

Then came the voice in my heart:

You have no idea what they’ve been through.

You have no idea how worried or upset they are.

My grief was expressing itself in rage, but then Jesus came beside me and whispered in my ear. I crumpled the note and replaced it with an edited version. I politely suggested they be more thoughtful in the future and left the napkin under their windshield wiper.

Soon after the incident in the parking garage, my grandfather transitioned from the hospital to a rehabilitation center, then to the home, he shares with my grandmother. At a follow-up appointment, his doctor ordered him to live and enjoy his life. He may die tomorrow, or he may have many years left. Only God knows.

You have no idea what they’ve been through.

You have no idea how worried or upset they are.

Only God knows what caused that haphazard driver to park over the line that day. Only God knows the grief and exhaustion they might have been carrying. In that moment, God reminded me that another person’s motive has no bearing on my actions. My job, in love, is to show them the courtesy—the grace, the love—I myself desire.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31 NIV)

Brooke Justus Fradd celebrates the small wins in life while always being on the lookout for the next great adventure she can share with her husband, Jay. On her blog, Awkwardly Graceful, she shares the moments in life she hopes will become treasured memories.