How to Craft a Gentler Christmas in a Season of Grief

Christmas is a magical time of year. We gather with our loved ones to celebrate the gift of Christ’s birth, take part in long-held traditions, eat our favorite foods, and if we’re fortunate enough, get a few days off from work. But for all of the joy the holidays bring, they can also bring tremendous pain and feelings of isolation for people who have lost a loved one.

It’s difficult to be in the midst of grief while others go on with their everyday lives, but it’s especially difficult to go through it while the world around us celebrates “the most wonderful time of the year.” No thanks to our consumerist society, advertisers inundate us from October to January with images of happy people living their best holiday lives. All we see are smiling faces, picture-perfect holiday settings, beautifully decorated homes, amazing food, and happy people gathering with family and friends.

Last year, my mother’s best friend lost her eighteen-month-long battle with cancer. I don’t remember a time in life when she wasn’t part of our family. She was my “bonus mom,” and I decided that I was going to honor her life and memory by celebrating the people who were still with me. I was going to seize the holiday, so I decided to do Christmas in a way I hadn’t in a long time. I decorated early, and to the hilt. I went from the usual family Christmas tree in my living room to three themed trees throughout the house. I baked cookies and adorned them like I was a contestant on a baking show. I shopped, wrapped gifts, planned meals, gathered people, and cooked like a mad chef. I even miraculously managed a family Christmas card.

In retrospect, I realize that my attempt to live life to the fullest was a clever way to avoid the pain. I tried to go around it, instead of sitting with it and allowing myself time to grieve. My unwise commitment to experience all the joy the holidays could bring squeezed the joy right out of them, adding greater feelings of fatigue, stress, and sadness.

As I prepare for Christmas this year, I realize it is going to be hard as well. For those of us who are grieving loss or know someone who is, here are some ideas for a gentler, more Christ-centered Christmas.

Focus on the reason for the season.

This can be difficult for everyone. Even when I’m not grieving, I have a tendency to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays that I lose sight of what the time is really meant to celebrate. The celebration of the birth of Jesus has become a bloated, out-of-focus scramble to bake, make, buy, and do all the things, so we have to work even harder to protect and focus on the reason for the season. Making time to sit with our loved ones and focus on Jesus will bring restoration and joy into our lives.

Be slow to say yes.

Take time to think about invitations and commitments. If someone asks you to take part in an event or activity you’re interested in, tell them you have made it a habit to give things you want to do a twenty-four-hour period of consideration so you make sure not to overcommit yourself. You can even tell them that you are giving yourself some space to grieve and need to think about it.

Be flexible with your vision for a perfect holiday.

The more I tried to push into what I believed was the perfect Christmas, the more stressed, anxious, and sad I felt. Even if my family members had the “picture-perfect” Christmas, what would it matter if I was unkind, short-tempered, and distant from them?

Let go of the expectations you have for yourself and others.

Expectations can be a thief of joy. It’s important to think through what expectations you have for yourself and others and ask yourself if they will bring you peace, presence, and joy, or if they will be more likely to usher in disappointment, frustration, and resentment.

Focus on your loved ones.

Spending time with the people you love can be life-giving and restorative. If all of the things you’re doing for others leads to greater frustration and work, it might be time to readjust and reprioritize.

Talk about your grief.

Talk about how you’re feeling. Let people know when you’re feeling sad or missing your person. Be open about where you’re at, how it’s affecting you, and what could be helpful. It might mean taking time to sit in silence for twenty minutes. It might mean stopping and praying with someone. It might mean having a good cry. Whatever it is, make sure you talk about it and let it out. Bottling grief causes a lot of problems.

Give yourself permission to say no.

If you love helping, planning, doing, and being available for people, this is going to be a difficult thing for you. Saying “no” can feel scary. But if that “no” frees you to be a more present spouse, parent, or person in general. Consider that a win for the people in your life.

Honor your lost loved one.

Create a new tradition involving or honoring the person who is gone but not forgotten. Light a candle in their memory. Place a photo in a prominent area. Plan a time to share favorite memories of them.

Christmas is a magical time, but we have gotten carried away in a sea of consumerism and when it comes down to it, we tend to lose sight of the reason for the season, Jesus. The reason for the season is to celebrate the gift of his life and the freedom that he brings. If the season and the way we approach it is causing stress and greater grief, it is time to let those things go and focus on the true giver of peace and strength. The holidays will not be the same during a season of grief, but with a little care and work, they can be gentler and even joyful in the midst of our sorrows.

Jen Kinney is a writer and anti-trafficking activist. Her twin sons and passion for social justice make her a prime candidate for therapy. Humor and sarcasm fuel her, along with copious amounts of coffee. You can find her writings at The Mighty, HuffPost and her blog jenkinney.com.