Are You Led by Love?

“Am I being led by love or pushed by fear?” Emily P. Freeman asks in one episode of her podcast.

One of my children instantly comes to mind. He has a tendency to forcefully nudge people out of the way when he wants to get to where everyone else is going. Though this is slightly annoying and a bit hazardous to others, as his mom I understand why he does it. He’s incredibly afraid of being left behind. His fear of not being able to keep up literally manifests as physically pushing people out of his way. Pushed by fear.

In contrast, I think of how one of his cousins plays with him. She meets him where he is, lingering behind to wait for him, sweetly taking him by the hand, making sure he has a friend to play with. Led by love.

I’m not so different from my son. While I long ago learned the social etiquette of keeping my hands to myself, fear has been pushing me too often in other ways: What will others think? What if this or that doesn’t work out? What if the worst possible outcome happens? The funny thing about fear is that it can look deceptively helpful, especially if you’re a rule follower.

I’ve been a rule follower almost from the very beginning—except the whole not sleeping through the night until I was five years old thing. (Sorry, Mom!) As a young child, following rules and meeting expectations made me a good and well-liked student. Because I was a (mostly) rule-following teenager, my parents stayed reasonably sane. As a young professional, rule-following earned me the respect of coworkers, happy bosses, and steady paychecks. As a Christian, following the “rules” made me feel like God was pleased with me.

Rule following makes me feel responsible, honest, and dependable. Life with rules seems safe, predictable, and known. The reality, though, is that difficulties happen to all of us regardless of whether we’ve followed the rules.

When I became a special-needs mama, I quickly realized there were no rules, no guaranteed outcomes, no one-size-fits-most approach. If we put in five days a week of therapy (of every kind) for our son, we might see the results of all his hard work. But some months we wonder if any of the effort will ever help him overcome seemingly insurmountable difficulties.

Fear is a tireless taskmaster, and the more uncertainty pours into my circumstances, the stronger fear grows. Fear kills relationships and distorts my perception. Rather than an amazing gift to love and cherish, my son becomes a difficulty to manage. Pushed by fear.

How do we know when we’re being pushed by fear? While that push might look a little different for each of us, at least some of these will probably resonate with you.

You feel anxious. All the what if questions mercilessly circle your thoughts.
You become rigid and inflexible. You can’t tolerate the idea of a different outcome.
You feel suspicious of other people. It seems like you can’t trust anyone.
You become immobilized. Worried that you’ll make the wrong choice, you make no decision at all.

Fear doesn’t dissipate on its own. The only remedy I’ve found is love in action. After all, “perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18 NIV). In your anxiety, rigidity, suspicions, and immobilization, the antidote is finding a source of love.

As God’s children, we can start with the encouragement of Scripture: Cast all your cares on Christ (1 Peter 5:7). Trust that in all things God is working for the good of those who are called and loved by him (Romans 8:28). Love believes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). Follow Christ (Matthew 16:24–26).

Please know I don’t think the cure to anxiety or depression is simply to read the Bible and pray more. As someone who personally understands the lived reality of anxiety and depression, I’m only pointing out that transforming your mental narrative is an important piece of holistic care.

These counter-narratives are the starting place for being fueled by love. Love is then built on trust. We must experience the true reality of God leading us by love. We experience that by the transformation of our minds. We experience that in our inner being by the Holy Spirit. And we experience it in community with God’s family.

My family is in a season of enjoying incredible God-given community. On most Friday nights, you’ll find us, along with five other couples, gathered at our friends JD and Michelle’s house. Twelve adults and twenty-plus kids, talking, crying, laughing, serving, being together. We cook large meals while kids run and play and carouse. We eat good food and pray together. We enjoy uproariously funny conversations and also engage in the hard and necessary conversations that enlarge our souls.

Our group isn’t perfect, but it’s the realest sense of community I’ve ever experienced outside of my own flesh-and-blood family. Through the reflection of this community, I come to understand that God’s love is nourishing, pleasurable, honest, caring, and true. I see the image of God reflected in so many different facets as I look around that very full dinner table.

Even on these warm and nourishing Friday nights, I have had to actively push out fear. As an Enneagram 4, I deeply desire others to affirm the value and uniqueness I bring to the table. But fear has pushed me to worry that I’ll lose my place at the table as other relationships grow and flourish.

But then love.

Love teaches me that just because someone else brings value to the table, my own gifts won’t diminish. The body of Christ needs all the parts to flourish in love. I lean into these relationships, then, being led by love instead of pushed by fear.

How, then, do you know you’re being led by love? You feel at peace and at rest, enjoying the present gifts of life in their fullness—no matter how unexpected. You embrace the season or circumstances before you, trusting in the wisdom and love of God. You intentionally love others and seek out their best. You actively engage in the life God has gifted you.

I’ll likely always feel safer as a rule follower. But I’m learning that the kind of life modeled by Christ is life-giving, soul-nourishing, and exactly where I think we all want to be—led by love and living from that overflow.

Allison Byxbe is a writer, blogger, and occasional college professor. She lives with her husband, three kiddos, and dogs Nate and Jemma in South Carolina. When she’s not writing or teaching others to write, she enjoys hiking, making beeswax wraps, learning about natural health, taking road trips, and drinking the perfect latte. Allison loves to connect with others about family, special needs parenting, mental health, grief, and faith. Her writing has been featured on The Mighty and Her View from Home, and you can find more of it on her blog Writing Is Cheaper Than Therapy.