Keep Fanning the Flame of Faith

Why God, do you turn a deaf ear? Why do you make yourself scarce? For as long as I remember I’ve been hurting; I’ve taken the worst you can hand out, and I’ve had it. Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life. I’m bleeding, black-and-blue. You’ve attacked me fiercely from every side, raining down blows till I’m nearly dead. You made lover and neighbor alike dump me; the only friend I have left is Darkness. (Psalm 88 14-18 MSG)

One Sunday recently, I couldn’t sing in church. The worship leader bellowed out, “It is well with my soul,” but I couldn’t seem to let those words pass my lips. It was not well with my soul. To be completely honest, my soul was deeply troubled at that moment. Walking through the doors of the church had been a feat that day.

The faith that has been an integral part of my life feels battered and barely breathing.

The truth is, I have sat in the church auditorium and wondered if it was still the place for me. Everyone else around me seems so sure about matters of faith, while my own faith has been deconstructed and painstakingly pieced back together, a mangled mosaic of the previous version. I grapple with interpretations of the Bible that put limits on women in leadership yet turns a blind eye to passages condoning genocide. I struggle with the narratives of who is in and who is out in Christian communities. I wonder if I can pass on this faith to my children when much of what I see from American evangelicalism is greed, love of power, and hypocrisy. It feels like my faith is burning down.

In Scripture, fire is often associated with God’s power and presence. God appears to Moses in a burning bush, blazing yet not consumed by the flames (Exodus 3 ESV). God led the Israelites through the wilderness as a pillar of fire on dark nights (Exodus 13:21 ESV). The Holy Spirit descended on the apostles as tongues of fire, giving them the ability to spread the good news of Jesus to all the nations (Acts 2:3-4 ESV).

I love fire. I love watching it on chilly nights and being mesmerized by the flames. I crave the feeling of the heat radiating off the coals, warming my body. Here is one thing I know about fire: it is a shifting, changing plasma, always moving, looking different from one second to the next. A fire can explode with intensity and go out quickly or burn slow and even. Fire is both a useful tool and a weapon of destruction. Even when you can no longer see the flames licking the air, the coals still contain the power of the fire.

The fire of my faith these days is single, precious coal I hold close to my heart. Some days I worry it will flicker out completely. Thankfully, the Bible provides plenty of examples of faithful men and women expressing deep lament, and even anger, toward God. Psalm 88 gives us a raw look at a person overwhelmed by grief, yet still willing to engage God in the dark. Jesus walked a dusty road to his own torture and death. (Mark 15:21-32 ESV) These passages are such an encouragement to me on the days I want to walk away, reminding me to rage at God if necessary, but keep the lines of communication with the divine open.

God is bigger than we can ever fathom. Our doubt, fear, and anger may scare us, but God is not troubled. He is the unchanging calm when everything around us is burning down. People will let us down. The church is comprised of sinful people who cause harm, often unintentionally.

Our personal iteration of faith will shift and grow. Doubt isn’t always indicative of a lack of faith, but a normal part of the faith journey. When we feel like walking away, we can cling to Jesus, even if it’s only by a thread.

I walked into church that recent Sunday and wanted to walk back out. God knew the state of my soul. But even though I could not sing the words, I let them wash over me. I planted my feet instead of leaving. The sermon spoke directly to the problems I was wrestling with in the church and challenged the congregation to live more like Jesus. After the service, God allowed me to speak to others who are also going through dark times. In the place where I felt completely alone, God brought me fellow travelers whose souls are stretching and shifting and raging, yet still seeking God in the hard places.

If it feels like your faith is crumbling, like it’s burning away, don’t despair. God walks with you through the valleys of doubt, depression, deconstruction, and fear.  The burning can be a refining fire, with a different but stronger faith as the outcome. Keep fanning the flame of faith.

Lord, we cry out to you that our souls are troubled. We are barely hanging on and feel lost and alone. Comfort our souls and give us your presence when all seems lost. Give us fellow travelers and compel us to stay on the path with you, trusting you have the destination in mind. Amen.

Scriptures for Reflection

“How long, O Lord? Will you hide yourself forever? How long will your wrath burn like fire?” (Psalm 89: 46 ESV)

“So Moses cried out to the LORD, saying, ‘What shall I do to this people? A little more and they will stone me.’” (Exodus 17:4 ASV)

“O Jehovah, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear? I cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save. Why dost thou show me iniquity, and look upon perverseness? For destruction and violence are before me; and there is strife, and contention riseth up. Therefore the law is slacked, and justice doth never go forth; for the wicked doth compass about the righteous; therefore justice goeth forth perverted.” (Habbakuk 1:2-4 ASV)

Biblical heroes were no strangers to doubt, anger, and fear. Over one-third of the psalms are songs of lament, expressing difficult emotions and pain to the Lord. Be encouraged that you are not alone when your faith falters. God has given us examples in Scripture of how to endure tests of faith well.

Reach for More

Our culture has a tendency to equate questioning and doubt with a lack of faith. We can change the narrative by sharing our struggles with others and pointing to Scripture that relates pain, doubt, or fear as a means of growth, not weakness. God created us to carry burdens together. We become a stronger community when we acknowledge the pain and sit in the discomfort. With the power of the internet, we can start a wave of change. Share a story of a difficult time in your faith and how God kept you afloat. Did you experience blessings amid hardship? We would love to hear your stories. Use the hashtag #tgtreachformore and share with us.

Lindsay Hufford is a small-scale farmer, home educator, chicken chaser, kitchen dancer, and mediocre knitter. Her favorite things include spending time with her family, exploring the natural world, reading, eating spicy food, and singing loudly in the car (to the embarrassment of her children). Lindsay believes sharing our stories will change the world. She writes about farming, homeschooling, faith, mental health, sobriety, and living an unconventional life. You can follow her adventures at peckandpetalfarm.com.

Photograph © Siim Lukka, used with permission