How to Build a Great Marriage

As of today, I have been married for thirteen years. On that hot, sticky Florida summer day when I got married, I was just twenty years old, my husband was twenty-one, and we were so young and green and idealistic and shiny that I’m surprised more people didn’t pat us on the head condescendingly. (Bless our hearts.) When I look back at pictures of that day, I can’t believe what babies we were.

We thought we were so grown up and mature, but we literally didn’t know one single thing about life. And yet, perhaps against the odds, we have made it work for more than a decade and manage to still like each other quite a lot.

There is no magic formula for a perfect marriage. Like anything else worth having, marriage takes work and commitment to build something truly special. I am by no means an expert, but I want to share what I do know. I don’t have a perfect marriage, but I do have a great marriage.

My husband and I were only nineteen when we got engaged. We both still lived at home and were attending college. We were churchgoing, homeschooled virgins who had been brought up in the “Purity Culture” of the late 90s. We were lacking in life experience, to say the least. And yet, our first years of marriage were still pretty wonderful. We were two imperfect, flawed, idiosyncratic human beings who chose to take a leap and share life together, come what may. Here are a few things we’ve learned over the last thirteen years:

Being best friends is the ultimate marriage-glue.

My husband and I are, first and foremost, each other’s best friend. Passion is great, but shared laughter is what has really kept us together over the last decade.

Choose your battles.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m stubborn, I like to be right, and I love a good debate. My husband happens to be exactly the same way. Early in our marriage, we could verbally duke it out with the best of them, often over ridiculous subjects that we can’t even remember now. Over the years, we’ve learned to fight for what matters and let go of what doesn’t. Some things are just not worth the breath it takes to hash them out. My husband and I have learned to love each other more than we love being right. We don’t hold grudges anymore (well, most of the time). We forgive quickly and completely. Life is too short to fight about things that don’t matter.

Communication is everything.

Talking about my feelings, even the hard ones, has been a huge journey for me. I come from a conflict-averse family, in addition to being an Enneagram 9, known as the Peacemaker. Early in my marriage, I thought that negative emotions and conflict equaled failure. It has taken me years to come to a place where I can openly communicate my inner life and more complex emotions. It’s a journey I’m still on, but I can honestly say that communication between my husband and me is better than ever before.

Marriage can be an egalitarian relationship.

At this stage in our lives, my husband and I both work. I work from home, and we have a four-year-old-son. We also both clean, cook, and take care of basic stuff around the house. It’s a partnership; we share the responsibilities of our shared life. When it comes to parenting, we are both all-in. We work hard to give our son 100 percent of our best efforts every day. We try really, really hard to avoid “tit-for-tat” thinking. While we don’t always succeed, we are giving it our best shot to shoulder the blessings of our life together as a team.

Focus on the good.

Growing up, my mom used to say, “Before you get married, keep your eyes wide open, and after you get married, keep them half-shut.” As a kid, I had no idea what she was talking about. Now, I get it. When you’re committed to someone for a lifetime, it benefits everyone to focus on the beautiful things you love about the other person. A lifestyle of nit-picking each other is like being nibbled to death by angry ducks; it’s just not a good time for anybody involved. We work hard to encourage each other out loud and often, throwing around affirmation like confetti. Neither of us is perfect, and we have plenty of room for growth, but we try to nurture that growth with positivity rather than criticism.

Marriage and parenting have been the two greatest learning experiences of my life, and I know that I am a better, less selfish, more Christ-like human being for them. Marriage is good, and I’m so thankful for it.

Kimberly Poovey is a writer, speaker, wife, and over-caffeinated toddler mom. After 10 years in the nonprofit world, she now writes full-time. You can find her on Scary Mommy, The Mighty, The Natural Parent, Parent Co, and Her View From Home. She loves Jesus, long walks on the beach, honey habañero lattes, and Zoloft. Her website is kimberlypoovey.com.