Are You a Teachable Mom?

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Psalm 34:4-5 ESV)

Of all the negative emotions I’ve dealt with, none hits me with as much force as mom guilt. Mom guilt is a unique experience of feeling like you’ve let your kids and yourself down by not meeting the expectations you have of yourself as a parent.

I had a lot of ideas about the mother I thought I would be before I had children. I would never yell. My children would be well behaved almost all the time. I wouldn’t give them refined sugar before they turned one, and I’d be vigilant when choosing which media to allow in our home.

I’ve now been a mother for eleven years. Many of the preconceived notions I had about motherhood went out the window before our first child was even in the outside world. My natural birth plan was no match for a sunny-side-up baby and stalling contractions. As the doctors placed that new little life in my arms, I already felt a little guilt mixed in with my joy.

With more than a decade of motherhood under my belt, I can tell you this with full disclosure: it looks much different than I could have ever imagined. I’ve stopped my kids from eating dog food, swinging from the septic pipe in our basement, and drawing on themselves and furniture with a permanent marker. On a less comical note, I’ve held my baby girl not knowing what her life would look like—if she even lived—as tubes and wires protruded from her tiny body. I’ve yelled at my children so loud I scared myself. And I’ve cried oceans of tears over these little people God has entrusted to my care.

Modern motherhood piles on the pressure like nothing I’ve ever experienced. From all directions, countless sources bombard mothers with advice on what to feed our children, where and how long they should sleep, varying methods of discipline, the ever-dreaded screen time recommendations, how to educate them. And as if raising a human being and teaching them everything they need to know to function in the world as adults in eighteen short years wasn’t enough, we now have 24/7 input from the “experts.”

Mom guilt bothers me because it often leads to mothers feeling shamed. I love how shame researcher Brené Brown defines the difference between guilt and shame: Guilt says, “ I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” Mothers have to work hard not to let guilt become shame. We are only human, bound to make mistakes along the way.

In many areas of life, we can look at our mistakes as teachable moments. We don’t shame new runners because they aren’t signing up for a full marathon; we celebrate each time they increase mileage, bit by bit. We don’t pile guilt on our four-year-old children struggling to remember letter sounds; we encourage them and celebrate their successes. Why do we as mothers, and as a society, put so much pressure for perfection on our parenting instead of seeing parenthood as a series of lessons to be learned and a path on which to progress?

When I started seeing my failures in motherhood as opportunities for God to teach me, I let go of much of the shame and perfectionism I was carrying. When I mess up, God is providing an opportunity for me to model humility to my children in asking their forgiveness. He’s giving my kids the chance to offer forgiveness and the opportunity for our family to talk about how amazing the gift of grace is in our relationships.

When I view parenthood through the lens of practice instead of perfectionism, I’m allowing God to work in and through me. My greatest hope for my children is that they love God and love people well. Both of those require trial and effort learned only through experience. Perfect people (if there were such a thing) would be effortless to love. Real people need more patience, grace, and understanding.

The next time you find yourself caught in the mom guilt trap, ask yourself this question: Am I teachable to the ways of grace for my children and myself? Some quiet reflection on this question may give you the perspective to let go of the shame and guilt to receive the lesson and move one step further on the path to sanctification.

Mothers, let’s stop the cycle of trying to be perfect for our children and focus instead on being teachable. When we fail, let’s turn to Christ for forgiveness and our next move. God is the ultimate parenting expert and the father we can turn to pick us up when we fall. Embrace your weakness in parenting, knowing God is using it for good.

Lindsay Hufford is a small-scale farmer, home educator, chicken chaser, kitchen dancer, and mediocre knitter. Her favorite things include spending time with her family, exploring the natural world, reading, eating spicy food, and singing loudly in the car (to the embarrassment of her children). Lindsay believes sharing our stories will change the world. She writes about farming, homeschooling, faith, mental health, sobriety, and living an unconventional life. You can follow her adventures at peckandpetalfarm.com.