Four Rules for Giving the Best Advice

There was a woman who spent her life hiding. She hid in her home; she hid in bravado; she hid in toxic relationships. The day Jesus went after her, she was hiding in plain sight. I wish I knew her name and could invite her to coffee. I want to hear more about the conversation she had with Jesus beside the well in Samaria. It must have been a doozy, because it sent her off into public with a loud message. Something profound changed in her heart, making her a person who wasn’t afraid to be seen and heard. She suddenly spoke words with power.

John 4: 39-42 tells what happened next:

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.’ So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers. They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.” (ESV)

The Samaritan woman didn’t know much about Jesus; in fact, all she knew she could tell in one sentence. She couldn’t explain Jesus or answer the townspeople’s questions. Her words only had power because they drew attention to Jesus’ power. She was a lighted, blinking arrow pointing the way to the big top where the main event could be found. Her job was simply to point. Jesus was the main event. He showed up. He gave the people what they needed. But the people were hungry to hear because of the Samaritan woman’s words.

If you’re anything like me, you are painfully aware of what you don’t know. The fear of giving wrong advice often stops you from giving any advice at all. We repeat the mantra that God’s power is the only true changer of hearts and let ourselves off the hook. Our fears hide the truth of the Samaritan woman from us—God loves to use our story as his megaphone. He wants to make each of our lives a blinking arrow that points to him, the main event.

Mentoring young women for the past twenty years has taught me that giving awesome advice is simpler and far less scary than we often think. We have more to offer than we think we do by merely by offering our authentic selves. Jesus does all the heavy lifting for us if we just show up and follow these simple rules.

1. Don’t get stuck in the secret trap. Sometimes outside help is imperative. You won’t be able to sleep at night with a secret you know you shouldn’t be keeping. You can promise to be trustworthy, you can promise to not leave your friend alone with her problem, and you can promise to alert her before you get outside help. But never promise to keep something secret no matter what. That is a promise integrity and the need for help are likely to force you to break. Don’t make it in the first place.
2. Listen to your gut and run away from gossip. Some people genuinely want help and advice while others will get you alone and use you as a complaint container. Your gut knows the difference. When it whispers, Something’s not quite right here, get up and leave. Love does not demand that you participate in gossip. Gently ask if your friend if she is ready to solve her problem yet. If not, tell her you’ll be happy to help when she is.
3. Be a good listener. Talking things over with my mom is one of my most efficient ways to solve problems. While she is a master of wise advice, nine times out of ten the solution reveals itself as I’m speaking aloud. Being a good listener is like holding up a mirror to your friend’s heart and mind. Questions like, “How does that make you feel?” and “Why do you think that is?” might be the only advice they need.
4. Say what you know and grow as you go. You don’t need to know anything other than what you know to give great advice. You just have to be willing to speak out loud the things you do know. The woman at the well is our example. If you have experienced even one moment of God’s undeniable presence in your life, you have something valuable to offer. Jesus will take your little offering and multiply it into whatever your friend needs it to be. Speak the knowledge you have now, and live each day knowing you are collecting more offerings. Pay attention to your life and the lessons God is teaching you. This is how your tool belt grows.

Don’t be afraid of the things you don’t know; they don’t dilute the power of the things you do. Simply say, “I don’t know what to tell you about that, but here’s what I do know about life and God.” This is always the right response. It is the Holy Spirit who will guide your friend. He knows all those things that are outside your grasp and will whisper them as you do your part.

You have friends who need you to be brave enough to show up, listen, and share what you know. The rest is up to Jesus, and we need not fear. The Samaritan woman’s example shows us the power is not in the words or in the person speaking. The power is in the one we point to, the main event, the one who saved our souls: Jesus.

Lori Florida lives a life that is all about her people. She’s convinced that being Mrs. to one and Mommy to eight will be her most significant way to serve Jesus. She wants to use her life to cheer on and coach the women around her. She is on staff with Project Hopeful working to give a hand up to moms in poverty in Ethiopia. You can find her at loriflorida.com.

Photograph © Tamara Bellis, used with permission