Doing Relationships Better: A How-To Guide

We live in a funny world, don’t we? The general sense of what is right and what is wrong seems to be blurring—at least among the general populace. And sometimes that makes life . . . well, challenging.

Once upon a time, politeness and manners forbade people from discussing touchy subjects, or at least saved them for discussion behind the privacy of a closed door. Now, social media allows for the discussion of all manner of topics that once would have been regarded as taboo, which leads to the potential for all manner of virtual fisticuffs. Sometimes it’s not cool to offer an opinion different from the norm.

And what does that do? It tends to lead to name-calling, to offense, to the severing of relationships. It can lead to the creation of walls, virtual bubbles of community, where we only ever interact with those who look/think/act/speak/believe like we do. And this is just among Christians!

With so many “relationships” based in the virtual world these days, sometimes we do very little in-person relating. Face-to-face relationships demand a degree of respect, a degree of tolerance, even if it’s just to ensure the family/friendship/work environment can continue more or less harmoniously. This virtual world is different. It can be easy, can’t it, to unfollow those we disagree with, to block those whose opinions we don’t like? But I wonder if this is what Jesus would do.

Jesus wasn’t out to please everyone. He knew the Pharisees had it in for him. But he still loved them, still died on that cross for them. He also died on that cross for those people who despise God, hate Christians, and support anti-godly practices. He loves those people, too.

Have you ever wondered what Jesus would do with Facebook? Would he sit behind his computer, trolling those who disagreed with his Father? Would he be counting the likes on an Instagram post, or the number of times a soundbite from his latest sermon was retweeted? Yeah, I can’t see him doing that, either.

So what would Jesus do?

Maybe in those rare moments when he isn’t down the street chatting to a homeless person, or catching up with people at the coffee shop or pub, maybe he’d be scrolling through different feeds looking for the real reason for the post, the real heart behind why that person felt it necessary to post. Has that person been made to feel marginalized in the past? Made to feel they don’t matter? That God doesn’t care? That Christians are all mean-spirited?

I saw something recently (on Facebook—it’s not all bad!) that said something along the lines of, “when a child wants attention, what they are really wanting is relationship, and if we can just shift our perspective a little, then we won’t be so quick to dismiss them as whiny attention-seekers.” All humans are hungry for relationship. All humans long to feel that their lives matter. And isn’t that what a lot of social media is about? People post stuff to feel like their life matters, that it has worth, that it is worth paying attention to.

It’s funny because the posting of thoughts on a controversial topic—or even the pictures of our latest fabulous holiday/car/haircut/date night—ultimately doesn’t really matter. What matters is the relationship. Jesus was all about creating and maintaining relationships. He talked to the unlovely, to the demon-possessed, to the chronically ill, to rulers, to religious leaders, to laborers, to the rich, to women, to immigrants, to people of other cultures and faiths, to the poor, to the despised. He noticed. He took time to go beyond the walls people put up. He desires relationships with people. He still does. (That’s why he’s alive today, happy to listen whenever we want to talk).

If I’m trying to be like Jesus, then I need to get better at doing relationships—especially with those people who don’t like Jesus, or who believe stuff I might think is completely wrong. Severing ties isn’t the answer. Listening to the Holy Spirit is. God cares more about people being brought into real relationship with him than whether someone’s doctrine is A-OK. The Holy Spirit is able to sort that stuff out later. But it’s harder for people to respond if they’ve been shunned or excluded by those who are meant to represent Christ.

I’m still learning how to do this better. I have friends and family members who likely think I’m a bit weird, that I believe in fairy tales. I recently joined a gym, and last week I had coffee with someone I met there and consider a new potential friend. I was talking about the historical romances I write, that they can be found in Christian bookshops, and she looked at me funny, then said, “Are you religious?”

I was taken aback. Most (I’m thinking pretty close to all) of my friends know I’m a Christian, that I write “inspirational” (aka Christian) novels. My Facebook feed is clogged with people who do the same. So it was refreshing to have a face-to-face conversation with someone who is not familiar with this world in which I mostly dwell, and share a little of what I believe. No, I didn’t give her the “turn or burn” talk, or discuss the four steps to salvation. There’ll be time for that later, when this acquaintanceship deepens into friendship. But there will only be time if I don’t burn my bridges and retreat behind my safe walls where everyone thinks like me.

I want to be braver. I want to be more aware of the heart that’s often hiding behind the façade. I want to hear God’s voice and be ready to smile, to chat, to engage with those who aren’t like me. I want to help others peer beyond their walls and see there is a God who loves them, and a way of living that offers hope, peace, and freedom.

I want to be more like Jesus.

Carolyn Miller lives in the beautiful Southern Highlands of New South Wales, Australia, with her husband and four children. She has worked with her husband as a church pastor, a public high school teacher, and now loves drawing readers into fictional worlds that show the truth of God’s grace in our lives. Her Regency novels include The Elusive Miss Ellison, The Captivating Lady Charlotte, The Dishonorable Miss DeLancey, Winning Miss Winthrop, Miss Serena’s Secret, The Making of Mrs. Hale, and A Hero for Miss Hatherleigh, all available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository, Koorong, etc. You can connect with her on her website, on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram.

Photograph © Con Karampelas, used with permission