Are You Chasing Love?
Have you ever chased love? Like many women of my generation, I found love to be elusive, especially in my formative years. With the way society’s emphasis on finding love diverges from the church’s view, the waters were already muddy when I first dipped my toe in. The subtle message that a woman’s value lay in the marriage she eventually made was detrimental to both my emotional and spiritual health, not to mention the health of the young women who were my contemporaries, causing a ripple effect that has hopefully slowed down over the years. I like to hope that humans have become wiser.
There was plenty of “coupling up” in middle school, but when high school arrived, it ramped up into an all-out rush to find “the one.” The Sadie Hawkins dance seemed like a godsend to us girls who weren’t being pursued by anyone. We had the chance to ask someone rather than waiting to be asked. My father made a strict mandate: I could go if I asked one of two guys from the basketball team, boys he approved of because he liked their attitudes and saw them as worthy. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, just someone to go to the dance with. One of the boys already had a girlfriend, and the other had already been asked. I stayed home that night, wishing I could have convinced my dad that I simply wanted to go to spend time with my friends. More than anything, I felt like I was missing out.
Those moments, when the sense that I was missing out seemed to overshadow everything else, shaped more of who I became than I care to admit. Eventually, after college, I became involved in an abusive relationship. I stayed because I was convinced no one else would want me, and in my broken state, it wasn’t far from the truth. I thought I was seeking love when, really, I was attempting to validate my own worth. I just couldn’t see it.
Like so many women, I buried my authentic self in order to become the person I thought I was supposed to be. As a result, I had less to give. Instead of investing in authentic relationships, I was struggling to conform to a fluid image comprised of the subjective views of the culture. I limited my growth by trying to conform to ideals that weren’t mine, ideals that had nothing to do with treasuring the real me and everything to do with trying to prove my value.
The fight to figure out your identity as a young woman and build character is a deep, long-lasting pursuit. Character is the foundation of who we are; behavior is merely how we act, a reflection—or not—of what’s inside. And poor character will eventually crack under the weight of self-deception.
Everywhere we turn, women today are bombarded with noisy messages limiting the scope of our worth. Who our friends are, who we date, our body size, the clothes we wear—it’s easy to fall prey to the lie that these things determine our worth. What really matters is the woman God created—the woman inside.
There will always be something difficult to work on, no matter how old you are, but Jesus asks to accompany us on the journey. He doesn’t promise it will be easy, but he promises to be there when it’s hard, when we’re struggling to live up to the standards others set. Jesus is the one who can help us cast aside those standards and live into the truth of who he says we are.
Learning how to accept what the Creator designed me for has been a gift that keeps on giving. Knowing that my worth is centered completely in Christ allows my marriage to be just that: a gift. It’s not something I’ve had to earn, but rather, something I get to enjoy. The depth of love in my relationship with my husband didn’t come as a result of following a diet or honing my housekeeping skills, it has come as a result of knowing the God of love and loving him with my whole heart.
When I walk in love, love naturally flows out. When my heart is full of love from God, I no longer need to chase love. Love chases me.
is a passionate storyteller who writes of faith, hope, love, and food. She’s madly in love with her pastor husband and mama bear to two daughters. Grace is a fairly new concept she is exploring with her life and words. Mama Jem believes we should live gently and love passionately. You can find more of her writing at jemelene.com.
Photograph © Tracey Hocking, used with permission
